Am I being selfish :(

Babywanted

balletshoes wrote: »

just out of interest OP, what would your OH's parents have released the money to him for? A holiday to Florida, which you originally had earmarked the money for? It seems they wouldn't have been willing to hand the money over for any part of IVF treatment.

That sounds odd to me, I have to say. Adult siblings, their parents keeping their money for them and deciding on their behalf whats a worthy cause to spend it on. Really, in that case, its not your OH's money, so I'd just forget it. He's not getting that money for what he'd really like to use it for.

As to the wedding, if your parents-in-law use your OH's "inheritance" to pay for him to go (and bearing in mind it sounds like its that or it won't be spent on either of you at all), will he want to go? I wouldn't rule it out if I got on great with my sister and wanted to be there for her big day. But maybe he's not that bothered and would rather not go to her wedding without you?

Yes the whole situation is a strange one which is why we don't know how to handle it to be honest

Hubby has said he has no desire to go halfway across the world without me to watch a 20 min wedding ceremony (his words)

I can accept that we won't see the money but it still hurts like hell to see hubby so upset by this

hazyjo

Once the wedding's out the way, the money will still be sitting there and his parents may well pass it your way for IVF.

I wouldn't make too big a deal about the money being wanted for IVF at the moment. I think your husband should just push the point that he won't go without you and looks forward to celebrating with them when they get back. Ask his dad if he'd go without his missus. Always turn it around so the other person can understand how your husband/you feel. Put them in your shoes.

Jx

Babywanted

HPoirot wrote: »

Nowhere near 'loving parents' at the moment, though, are they? it is perfectly conceivable, people have a lot going through their minds without others making sense of it. Maybe the husband's mother has aspirational thoughts where she would rather spend her father's money on marrying her daughter into a wealthy family than help her son have a family. Who knows? She might be alleviating her guilt over cutting her son off the money by insisting that part of it be used for his own ticket.

If I were the OP and her husband, I make one final attempt at saying that they are relying on their share of the money in order to have a much longed for baby. If the response is still the same, then they can all get stuffed, concentrate on your own lives.

You could have a good point there, I guess maybe they like the idea of his sister being part of a wealthy family so they know she will be taken good care of.

We do feel like hubby's wishes aren't being treated as very important and that hurts him a lot

Prothet_of_Doom

Brighton_belle wrote: »

What Prophet of Doom meant , was that it is completely good and normal behaviour to put your needs first (n this case, the desire to have children).
To cow down to others needs can be twisted by them to be called 'selfish', but in fact all human behaviour is 'selfish'. For example, every single one of us who has a home with a sofa could be called selfish for not letting a homeless person sleep on it. That's 99.9% of the population then.
The word selfish is pretty meaningless really and I suspect in your understandably vulnerable state you fear that somehow you are a bad person in all this. This is not so. And most importantly, your husband feels exactly the same.

That is exactly what I meant. Thanks. The OP asked "Am I being Selfish? Yes..But NO..

In the overall scheme of things a child for a childless couple trumps a wedding in a foreign country in my humble cash based measurement system. If asked to prioritise I'd hold the wedding reception in a church hall, have all the guests each bring 2 items for the buffet, and enough beer for themselves, and make all the spare cash available for IVF.

I've just paid £1500 for me and my wife to attend my nephews wedding in the USA (He is American, and his wife Canadian) but I didn't have anything that was a greater priority than that. My kids, one at University, and one in the upper sixth, prioritised their time, and decided that a free trip to the USA vs Potentially getting a 1st or potentially not getting the grades for university, were much greater priority. Selfish? Well they thought about themselves 1st, so yes,,,,,,but NO. Just a question of priority.

Babywanted

hazyjo wrote: »

Once the wedding's out the way, the money will still be sitting there and his parents may well pass it your way for IVF.

I wouldn't make too big a deal about the money being wanted for IVF at the moment. I think your husband should just push the point that he won't go without you and looks forward to celebrating with them when they get back. Ask his dad if he'd go without his missus. Always turn it around so the other person can understand how your husband/you feel. Put them in your shoes.

Jx

I like this idea, I couldn't see his dad going without his mom or vice versa,

To be fair I know I wouldn't have gone without my hubby if it was my sisters wedding either

balletshoes

hazyjo wrote: »

Once the wedding's out the way, the money will still be sitting there and his parents may well pass it your way for IVF.

I wouldn't make too big a deal about the money being wanted for IVF at the moment. I think your husband should just push the point that he won't go without you and looks forward to celebrating with them when they get back.
Ask his dad if he'd go without his missus.
Always turn it around so the other person can understand how your husband/you feel. Put them in your shoes.

Jx

I agree - but as some people (me included) might go to a wedding without their partner in certain circumstances, his Dad might say he would too!

Babywanted

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

That is exactly what I meant. Thanks. The OP asked "Am I being Selfish? Yes..But NO..

In the overall scheme of things a child for a childless couple trumps a wedding in a foreign country in my humble cash based measurement system. If asked to prioritise I'd hold the wedding reception in a church hall, have all the guests each bring 2 items for the buffet, and enough beer for themselves, and make all the spare cash available for IVF.

I've just paid £1500 for me and my wife to attend my nephews wedding in the USA (He is American, and his wife Canadian) but I didn't have anything that was a greater priority than that. My kids, one at University, and one in the upper sixth, prioritised their time, and decided that a free trip to the USA vs Potentially getting a 1st or potentially not getting the grades for university, were much greater priority. Selfish? Well they thought about themselves 1st, so yes,,,,,,but NO. Just a question of priority.

Thanks for clearing that up, I am just so sad right now and probably took it the wrong way before, I guess your point is that sometimes it's ok to be selfish if it's for the right reasons ?

HPoirot

Babywanted wrote: »

Thanks for clearing that up, I am just so sad right now and probably took it the wrong way before, I guess your point is that sometimes it's ok to be selfish if it's for the right reasons ?

But - you are no more selfish than they all are. It is still incredibly callous to favour a fancy wedding over IVF treatments IMO.

Toto

What are they like with money?

I am wondering if they actually still have the cash which could answer why they won't give it to you. Could they be planning to shove the flights on a credit card thereby removing their responsibility to hand over the inheritance?

paulineb_2

I think part of the problem is, the sister is also family. So as I said before, unless theres some discussion, someone else is also going to end up hurt.

There has to be a compromise somewhere along the line, even if its that the sister has a party at home for all the people who cant make the fancy wedding.