Am I being selfish :(

Babywanted · 5 November 2013 at 3:24PM

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

You and she have different beliefs and values... that does not make her wrong and you right - you just value different things.

The same with your SIL - marrying into a wealthy family does not make her a bad person. Nor does it mean that she should have to sub others in the family.

If you start conversations with your MIL from the point of view that she is being unreasonable then that will get you absolutely nowhere.

You need to try to understand her reality.

Are there any cultural / religious reasons why MIL might not approve of medical intervention?

Why has your SIL chosen to marry overseas? Family reasons?

Is there a chance that your refusal to accept the money in the past may have offended MIL in some way?

How old are you and your OH and how long have you been married?

No religious reasons at all

SIL wants to marry abroad as she wants a hot location

We definitely didn't offend her as it was her idea to hold onto the money until we had decided how we wanted to use it

We have been married for almost ten years now and are in our 30's

Babywanted · 5 November 2013 at 3:26PM

Tixy wrote: »

When husband is speaking to his mother I would try to separate the 2 issues.

1) We won't be attending sister's wedding. We hope she has a lovely time but as you know 'babywanted' cannot fly and I do not want to go away without her.

2) As you know we are trying really hard to save for fertility treatment. It it the thing that would make both me and babywanted the happiest and where we are concentrating all of our available funds. I still think it may be difficult to save up enough to go through the treatments or we are hoping to save enough as soon as possible as obviously the younger we are the higher the probability of it being successful. I would really appreciate it if you would reconsider about the money Grandfather said he would like to be spent on me/given to me, I think he would have wanted it to be spent on something really important to me.

What about him writing a letter to his mother regarding point 2? explaining all that it means to him to be a father and have children with you? Then she will have time to read it and think it through and then may even reconsider.

You have a great way with words and I think the way you have worded that is lovely

Babywanted · 5 November 2013 at 3:27PM

tiger_eyes wrote: »

I'm inclined to join the cynics on this thread - sounds suspiciously like the money has already been spent, so they can't give your husband his unofficial inheritance...

It's been on my mind too to be honest

twigpig · 5 November 2013 at 3:31PM

Your hubby needs to sit down and talk to his parents and/or sister and explain that you really want them to have the wedding that they want but your share is for other reasons that you want to keep private for now. Obviously share your reasons if you feel comfortable - it might actually help them to back off.

It's his money to spend how he wants to...... no debate.

Tiddlywinks · 5 November 2013 at 3:32PM

You need to view this as two separate issues (as another poster said):

1. Your SIL has chosen - as is her right - to get married overseas... you cannot travel and so your OH can choose to remain or go with the wedding party.

2. The inherited money is another matter. Your OH needs to discuss it calmly with his mum BUT he needs to be aware that there is no proof that the money is his and legally there is no will to be enforced.

You need to let go of some of your negative feelings... your SIL did not do this to spite you, she just wants a wedding in the sun.

Your mum in law isn't insisting your OH goes to the wedding to prevent you from conceiving - she just wants her son at her daughter's wedding.

Once family arguments start with misunderstandings it is very easy for events to snowball out of control.

Take the emotion out of it as you having a baby and your OH going to a wedding are not as 'either / or' as you maintain.

Sorry you might think this is a hard and insensitive reply BUT you need to take a step back and see it for what it is.

Babywanted · 5 November 2013 at 3:41PM

Jobseeeker wrote: »

Does anyone think its odd that a man old enough to have an adult grandson never made a will?

I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but its something to check out. Maybe hubby could have a word with the Grandmother, I'm sure she would not approve of what the parents are doing.

Unfortunately his grandmother is very ill and unable to comprehend what is going on

lostinrates wrote: »

I think your emotions are clear, and understandable. And its for that reason I urge you not to make decisions about how you feel or how they are behaving in general with out a good period of thought.

As I was saying before, when over wrought our interpretation of things tends to be least 'charitable' and we often look for the worst in others who we feel wronged by to support our feelings.

Your husband not wanting to go without you is of course understandable, my husband would rather go to things with me too. Lots of things neither of us go to, but sometimes we feel its important he put his family on the agenda too. Not in front of 'us' but on the agenda somewhere below our unity. We are certainly strong enough to endure that every now and again, as I am sure you are.

Battling recovery from an accident must have be very draining. Emotionally as well as physically. And it takes a strong union to go through these sort of challenges.

It has been very draining, I was told at one point I may never walk again but I've fought so hard and am doing great now

Jox wrote: »

Babywanted, here is an example of the cost of IVF

You'd probably need about £5500 for an ivf cycle (I'm not an expert, just from what I've read).

How much is the inheritance you're expecting? Would it cover that?

You mentioned having to lose some weight, I'm not sure what the optimal weight would be but how long would that take do you think? How much can you save in that time?

Yes, it's not fair that the money your OH was expecting is being ear-marked for something else, I would be upset too, but his mother seems to hold all the cards for some reason...

Yeah that's a fair amount for the costs, we hope to have enough saved for 2-3 tries before we start the procedures and the inheritance would have covered 1 try

As for my weight I've got about 2 stone to lose to be my optimum weight so looking around 5-6 months there

Dimey · 5 November 2013 at 3:43PM

Babywanted wrote: »

No religious reasons at all

SIL wants to marry abroad as she wants a hot location

We definitely didn't offend her as it was her idea to hold onto the money until we had decided how we wanted to use it

We have been married for almost ten years now and are in our 30's

Well there's another suspicion about MIL - cynics.

Babywanted · 5 November 2013 at 3:48PM

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

You need to view this as two separate issues (as another poster said):

1. Your SIL has chosen - as is her right - to get married overseas... you cannot travel and so your OH can choose to remain or go with the wedding party.

2. The inherited money is another matter. Your OH needs to discuss it calmly with his mum BUT he needs to be aware that there is no proof that the money is his and legally there is no will to be enforced.

You need to let go of some of your negative feelings... your SIL did not do this to spite you, she just wants a wedding in the sun.

Your mum in law isn't insisting your OH goes to the wedding to prevent you from conceiving - she just wants her son at her daughter's wedding.

Once family arguments start with misunderstandings it is very easy for events to snowball out of control.

Take the emotion out of it as you having a baby and your OH going to a wedding are not as 'either / or' as you maintain.

Sorry you might think this is a hard and insensitive reply BUT you need to take a step back and see it for what it is.

I can see both sides but in response I can understand her wanting her dream wedding and would never take that away from her after all it is her special day

But on the other hand her dream is not ours, our dream is to have a loving family, we have wanted this for so long

Surely both grandchildren have the right to spend their share on their dreams ?

paulineb_2 · 5 November 2013 at 3:53PM

You are going to have enough saved for 2-3 tries before you start the procedure. Sensible.

But this isnt an all or nothing scenario here. Its not the case that if you dont get the inheritance money to spend as you want, you wont get a shot at IVF at all. You will, you'll just be funding it yourselves. And is the wedding abroad going to cost so much that there wont be any money left over for the IVF? You've said that the inheritance would cover one shot at IVF, is the wedding somewhere so expensive that its going to cost 5 and a half grand for flights and accommodation?

I'll say again. I would count on no money or belongings from any of my living relatives when they die.