Am I being selfish :(

Babywanted

aileth wrote: »

Even if they buy the tickets for you, don't attend the wedding, vote with your feet. The fact they've said they're going to buy the tickets for you regardless is incredibly manipulative.

I also certainly would not be sending any of them Christmas cards!

Feel really sorry for you, OP. What an awful family.

My thoughts exactly, I would happily never speak to them again

claire16c wrote: »

Not sure there's much you can do then.

Are these conversations done by text/phone etc?

Just wondering if your DH sat down face to face and explained this to them, it would come across better/best.

Also it might be worth showing them a spreadsheet of how much ivf costs - the initial investigations, drugs, the procedures, clinic fees etc. Perhaps they have no idea. Im not saying thats an excuse but maybe they are just really ignorant to whats involved and think you can save for it in a month or two or something.

19lottie82 wrote: »

Yes, but what has he actually said to his parents? Has he stood up to them about it?

He has had a face to face chat and they basically said this is his sisters dream wedding and she wants him there so he should put her first, they say if he wants ivf then he has to save

hawk30

[QUOTE=Babywanted;63676168
He has had a face to face chat and they basically said this is his sisters dream wedding and she wants him there so he should put her first[/QUOTE]

Before his chances of having a baby? Tell them to get stuffed.

Brighton_belle

Babywanted wrote: »

This made me cry

What Prophet of Doom meant , was that it is completely good and normal behaviour to put your needs first (n this case, the desire to have children).
To cow down to others needs can be twisted by them to be called 'selfish', but in fact all human behaviour is 'selfish'. For example, every single one of us who has a home with a sofa could be called selfish for not letting a homeless person sleep on it. That's 99.9% of the population then.
The word selfish is pretty meaningless really and I suspect in your understandably vulnerable state you fear that somehow you are a bad person in all this. This is not so. And most importantly, your husband feels exactly the same.

fake_smile

Have you spoken to the sister? What kind of woman is she? I could never do that to my brother

Babywanted

hawk30 wrote: »

Before his chances of having a baby? Tell them to get stuffed.

We are currently both reading this thread and love this comment, it shows exactly how we are feeling

Brighton_belle wrote: »

What Prophet of Doom meant , was that it is completely good and normal behaviour to put your needs first (n this case, the desire to have children).
To cow down to others needs can be twisted by them to be called 'selfish', but in fact all human behaviour is 'selfish'. For example, every single one of us who has a home with a sofa could be called selfish for not letting a homeless person sleep on it. That's 99.9% of the population then.
The word selfish is pretty meaningless really and I suspect in your understandably vulnerable state you fear that somehow you are a bad person in all this. This is not so. And most importantly, your husband feels exactly the same.

Thanks for explaining, yes I am feeling vulnerable and I've been in tears since last night when this all kicked off,

We both want kids so much and this feels like that makes us bad people

fake_smile wrote: »

Have you spoken to the sister? What kind of woman is she? I could never do that to my brother

She has always been selfish and is marrying into a very wealthy family so doesn't understand what it's like to have to save for things you want

claire16c

Does his sister know about the ivf?

If the family is that wealthy why doesnt she pay for her brother to come.

paulineb_2

Why didnt you just accept the money at the time it was offered? I know youve said that you didnt want it incase you used it for other things, but if youve always planned to use it for fertility treatment then why not take it sooner.

I actually think its quite natural for a sister to want a brother at their wedding and yes, some people have more money than others and might not understand that you need it for other things.

Is this issue really worth splitting an entire family for? Selfish or not, if I were in his sisters shoes, I might not be looking forward to my wedding if the entire family was at war. Also, surely theres room for discussion and negotiation. If you really cannot get to this wedding as you cant afford it, for goodness sake dont let them book flights and then not go, because the money is going to end up totally wasted.

You need to discuss this. And if the money wasnt left to you in a will you are going to have to rely on the goodwill of the parents to hand it over.

Which they are far less likely to do if you stop speaking to them altogether.

lostinrates

OP, my points are rhetorical . And before I start I want you to know I also have health problems which prevent me travelling and make me infertile. I wanted a baby very much.

My decision, made with my husband very early on, was not to persue any fertile treatment. I feel very strongly that because the nature of health is difficult I wanted to know that nothing wrong wit me could risk any unborn child or their decendants.. No one really knows with me how much is inheritable or not. I wish you every success with your IVF, but I also would ask if you have considered those implications on the future?

On the sister holiday issue, I think sometimes one needs to be a little 'selfish' to define family boundaries. If its your husband not going to the wedding for you two then so be it. In my case my husband has attended family weddings alone, because its our belief, having made a stand to establish our boundaries woth ourvfamilies early in our relationship, that family is important. At one point I might not be here with my oh, or, were we to have a miracle, a child benefits in a ( normally dysfunctional;)) extended family. If its not really your oh's money as it now seems than I'd ask myself if this is symptomatic of a boundary and control issue that is more troublesome generally or if this really is a desire to have family unity.

The 'will ' having been used in this confuses things. If it was to be gifted it should have been done so at the time. Learn and move on from that aspect, treat any money arising as a bonus not a right of your partner's. try not to make decisions when feeling vulnerable like now, because it inclines one to making the least optimistic interpretation.

Best wishes for your health OP.

paulineb_2

And I also think you might be well advised to see a copy of this relatives will so you can see exactly what was left.

Im not sure from the posts if no will was ever made or whether there was a last minute verbal addition that the relative wanted money left to the grandchildren.

aileth

claire16c wrote: »

Does his sister know about the ivf?

If the family is that wealthy why doesnt she pay for her brother to come.

Exactly what I thought. If sister is so bothered about your hubby coming and the family she is marrying into is so wealthy, why don't they pay for him rather than take inheritance off him? Bizarre!