Childfree by choise

OrkneyStar

I wasn't really maternal at all in my early-mid twenties, got married in my late twenties and, then felt quite maternal and had my son in early thirties. One is enough for us though. Each to their own, I am not saying those who really think they don't want kids will all change their minds but there is a reasonable chance some of you might.

Watto30

Another here child free by choice, I am 31 and the OH is 41, he has a 9 year old daughter from previous marriage who comes to ours on weekends.

We have been together since she was two and I was only 24 when we met so it was a bit of a novelty and quite nice having a little toddler around on weekends but in a way it kind of put me off having my own as she could be bloody hard work at times when little and it was always a bit of a relief when she got handed back to her mum!


The oh's daughter has her moments but she is a good kid and now that she is older its definitely easier but I have never had the biological clock ticking or maternal desire and dont think I will ever feel ready.


I found out 3 years ago I have pcos which may or may not make conceiving more difficult as doctors have said its one of those until you try you wont know scenarios and the fact I and the OH are not getting any younger kind of worries me as I do feel like I am creeping towards a now or never situation as cant afford to leave it too late if medical intervention is needed but at the moment I cant see myself ever changing my mind and suddenly desperate for a baby

If his daughter didn't exist then maybe our relationship dynamics would be different and we would have had a child together by now but he is easy going either way and has always said if I was keen then we could try for one but if not then he has had his daugther so has experienced fatherhood.



It does make me laugh though with other people and their comments, if I had a pound for everytime I have been told " I will change my mind" or "you dont know love until you hold that baby in your arms etc" then I would be very rich by now!

Person_one

LEJC wrote: »

Going to put a slightly different slant on this one now and say Ive got a set of very close friends are childfree by choice...

they lost their child to illness at a pre school age...and never considered having another as they did not want to compare or replace...its been a tough time for them over the years and only those really close to them know what they went through and continue to go through,but they have rebuilt theit lives and I believe they are content with their choice,even though its not following their original plans.

They are not child free by choice at all, and please be careful that you don't refer to them as such in their hearing.

KxMx

lavalamp wrote: »

I can relate to this. Most of our friends that have kids now, we rarely see. One 'friend' in fact stopped having contact with me altogether because I didn't have kids and she assumed that meant we no longer had anything in common!! She originally said she didn't want to have children, so it was a surprise that she now has two! She just can't understand me and the fact that I am not a mother, so can't bring herself to socialise with me anymore! Bizarre!

Totally. An old school friend is so child focused I am not worthy of her attentions being childless but once another friend had a baby she was all over her within a week!

Goldiegirl

I'm 53, married 32 years, and we've never been remotely interested in having children.

As a teenager, my friends would talk about the children they would have when they grew up, and even then, I could never imagine myself with children.

I met my husband, and we married, but the subject of children was not something we really discussed very much, I think we understood that it wasn't important to each other.

I did wonder if I would change as I grew older, but my 30's progressed, and we were still still happy and child free.

Now I've got to the point where it's not possible to have children, I have no regrets at all. We've been able to have some fantastic holidays, which we could never have afforded if we'd had children. We have time for our interests and hobbies and still enjoy each other's company.

I do admit to a mild concern that I may be left alone one day, but to have a child with the thought that'll it'll be an insurance policy for your old age is very wrong.

My parents never made comment about the lack of a grandchild, but aunts and a cousin of my husband were always making comments like 'you'll regret it', or you need someone to carry on the family name, etc.

The main issue nowdays, is meeting people on holiday etc, who talk endlessly about their kids at university or their grandchildren. Then they ask if we have children, when I say no, they always look a bit awkward and embarrassed. I always feel I have to add that it's our choice, but I think some older people still think it's somehow not quite right not to have children

I don't dislike children, but having my own was something that has never held any appeal for me.

[Deleted User]

Another child free by choice here. When I was still a teenager I got all the "you'll change your mind" comments under the sun. Now, not so much! Worst has been one colleague, newly married, who said she was getting the questions from family but didn't want kids as her house looked too good, she wanted to spend money on holidays, babies are yucky etc. Other colleague asks for my thoughts and I mention "not ever", next thing this woman has done a complete 180, "it's the only thing women are meant for isn't it, definitely happening soon" etc! I suspected she was threatened by someone not doing "the done thing". After that the worst comments have been from my GP (!) who, when I went in for a chat about contracepttion when I was 19, was aghast and insisted I tell my boyfriend at the time my views as I was "denying him the chance to be a father"! I was 19 and had been seeing the dude a few months! Did end up marrying him, actually, but thankfully he is of the same opinion as me.

115K

Child-free by choice here. :A

catkins wrote: »

We did struggle when OH wanted a vasectomy as our GP said we were too young ad "would change our minds"! but we went to a Marie Stopes clinic and they were ok with it

We went to Marie Stopes too. DH had quite a bit of pain afterwards and I think they were a bit rough.:eek:

Pechow wrote: »

That, and comments of "you'll never know what real love is until you have kids", which is the one that bothers me most honestly.

:mad: That is so obnoxious. Grr. I wouldn't hold my tongue if someone said something that stupid to me.:o:p

pops5588 wrote: »

Oh yes, some of the things that the ladies I spoke to told me about the vitriol they had received at the hands of various people (ranging from friends to complete strangers) was astonishing. I wasn't expecting it at all, but then I guess that is why it is important to research these things.

I definitely thought in advance of doing the dissertation that the stereotype of women choosing not to have children for career reasons was hugely exaggerated in society for sure, but would still be prevalent in my results, but it is absolute codswallop!! I think I ended up speaking to about 65 ladies and only 1 of them even briefly mentioned her career as being a part factor in her decision!

Your dissertation sounded interesting.:)

Gloomendoom

One of my colleagues coined the phrase "conscientious objector" for someone who is child free by choice.

Now, that is how I describe myself when asked if I have any children.

Saturnalia

Pechow wrote: »

That, and comments of "you'll never know what real love is until you have kids", which is the one that bothers me most honestly.

How can anyone define what "real love" is? Have two humans ever agreed on what love actually means?

The majority of people have had a wrong relationship and loved that partner intensely, but at the end of it all have been left with nothing positive and a ton of regrets. It might have been real love at the time but was it worth experiencing? (Just musing, I'd say no given my experiences, but again no two will agree absolutely.)

Laurajo_2

Im married and child free by choice.

We discussed it, and both felt that the only reason we would be having a child would be to please our respective families. I had never felt particularly maternal or broody, and nor had my husband.

My ex had a stepson who lived with us for a week at a time between the ages of two up until six - he was a lovely lad and well behaved as kids go, and whilst I felt close and enjoyed spending time with him, I struggled with the invasion of personal space/time, not being able to do anything spontaneous and the constant demands and responsibility - don't get me wrong, I adored the child, but it did leave me bewildered and was the starting point to realising that, actually, I didn't want children.

I am shocked by some peoples reactions - they always assume that I hate children (not true) and aren't capable of getting on with children (again, not true)...I actually enjoy spending time with friends and family's children - but that's a heck of a lot different from being a parent!

Also, I hate it when childless couples are accused of being selfish...personally, I don't think children thrive when they're made to feel that they are the centre of their parents existence...but that's just my opinion.