Childfree by choise

pops5588

bugslet wrote: »

I find that surprising froma purely personal perspective.

Once someone told me that I would have no one to look after me when I got old! and a months ago at a dinner, a very maternal lady now with grandkids was insistent that life was not complete without children. I do feel that it was directed more to another lady who is 32 and about to get married that also has no plans to have any. At 49, it's fair to say I'm out of that game. But in all those years, that's been it. I do read articles where women say they are frequently asked/told they will change/their minds/pressured, but that has been contrary to my experience.

Must just look bolshy!:p

Oh yes, some of the things that the ladies I spoke to told me about the vitriol they had received at the hands of various people (ranging from friends to complete strangers) was astonishing. I wasn't expecting it at all, but then I guess that is why it is important to research these things.

I definitely thought in advance of doing the dissertation that the stereotype of women choosing not to have children for career reasons was hugely exaggerated in society for sure, but would still be prevalent in my results, but it is absolute codswallop!! I think I ended up speaking to about 65 ladies and only 1 of them even briefly mentioned her career as being a part factor in her decision!

bugslet

Yes my career ( that makes it sound more than it is!), was never the reason, just an additional benefit that I had time to work on building a business.

Sounds interesting research.:T

pops5588

bugslet wrote: »

Yes my career ( that makes it sound more than it is!), was never the reason, just an additional benefit that I had time to work on building a business.

Sounds interesting research.:T

I loved it, and it was a wonderful feeling getting to know all these lovely women who were so open with me about their life choices. Felt very privileged indeed. Will have to dig it out when I get home and have a re-read!

I really struggled with the literary review section of the paper though, purely because so little research currently exists.

beluga

Another here who is child free by choice. It's just not something that's ever appealed to me (or DH). I'm not a fan of kids in general, I've never been around any really, and don't want to! DH and I have been together since 17 / 18 and married for nearly 13 years, and have only very occasionally had any comments about it. People sometimes ask if we have any kids, but a straight froward "nope, they're not for us!" usually ends that conversation. The only thing about that really bothers me is that as we get older, more and more of our friends are having them, and while I'm happy for them if that's what they want, it means that we see very little of them due to changing priorities and finaces.

red_devil

Got one grown up, never had anymore and oh not interested in having any. He is very good with them but no desire to be a father.

scooby088

I have never felt the need or want to have children, I went through a phase of thinking I'd make a good father but soon realised I was too selfish to actually want to create a life. My OH has kids and I love them like they were my own(contradictory I know) but I realise that I still don't want any of my own.

lavalamp

beluga wrote: »

The only thing about that really bothers me is that as we get older, more and more of our friends are having them, and while I'm happy for them if that's what they want, it means that we see very little of them due to changing priorities and finaces.

I can relate to this. Most of our friends that have kids now, we rarely see. One 'friend' in fact stopped having contact with me altogether because I didn't have kids and she assumed that meant we no longer had anything in common!! She originally said she didn't want to have children, so it was a surprise that she now has two! She just can't understand me and the fact that I am not a mother, so can't bring herself to socialise with me anymore! Bizarre!

DKLS

The majority of our friends are child free, I guess its inevitable as its so much easier to keep up with friendships with those who are child free.

Trying to arrange a night out or a meal with parents is a total mare.

Saturnalia

Another one happily childfree. I've never had the tiniest urge to reproduce. I'm in my early 30s and friends, sister and cousins are having children, and I enjoy spending time with the families. I love being Auntie/friend to the little uns, but the maternal urge has never kicked in.

Maybe that's fortunate, as I've never been in a stable job/housing/relationship situation that I'd choose to bring a baby into anyway.

I also have a health problem that means pregnancy takes extremely hard work and lots of medical monitoring to get a healthy outcome. And although my sister (with the same condition) has done it twice and has two healthy children and came out unscathed, I don't fancy the gamble. Plus I'm over 30 which increases the risks to me and the baby. Add to that that autoimmune conditions run wild on both sides of my family and it's a double no.

People often say that "if you meet the right man, you'll change your mind" and insist it happened to them like that, but there are plenty of happy childfree couples (and miserable parents!) to see that's not a universal truth. I reckon there is probably some sort of hormonal surge on falling in love that makes babies seem like a good idea, but making life-changing decisions on a tide of emotional wobbliness doesn't seem the best time to do it.

I've heard the remarks that I'm selfish (to whom? To my non-existent baby?) that I'll leave nothing behind when I die (I couldn't care less, and if I did I'd want my legacy to be something I'd created or invented) that I'm denying my nephews cousins (they have cousins, second cousins, a second cousin once-removed and plenty of friends their age, and geographically closer!)

Yet apparently it is rude to say that a couple with a rocky relationship, or a large family already, or who are very young/inexperienced and have been together a week, or are on a 2nd marriage with children from both sides and it's not smooth sailing, shouldn't have children right now! (Not that I ever would say that to them unless asked my opinion.) The only exception seems to be people on benefits.

scorpio_biker

I'm another one who's child free. I'm 47 and have never wanted children. I have a niece and 2 nephews, and 2 great nieces, and I love them all to bits, but have never had a single urge to have a child.

I was married for 25 years, and my ex knew I never wanted children and he was happy with that situation. We are divorced now (happily, strange as that sounds) and I'm now with a bloke who has a daughter of 14. I do love her but that has just reinforced my opinion that having children was not for me lol.