Childfree by choise

tea_lover

I've had plenty of comments about it, there certainly does seem to be a stigma still.

I'm not actually childfree by choice (we're just about to start IVF #2) but most people don't know that. They just know that I'm in my 30s and my OH in his 40s with no children so assume they have the right to tell us to get on with it, that we'll regret it if we don't, that we're selfish for not giving our parents grandchildren, etc.

I have absolute respect for those who decide that children isn't for them. It's a choice that needs to be more widely respected imo.

Yorkie1

My mum always used to say to me that the only worthwhile thing a woman can do is to have children.

She gave up saying it a few years ago when it became abundantly clear I was not going to produce the much-sought-after grandchild for her.

Metranil_Vavin

tea_lover wrote: »

I've had plenty of comments about it, there certainly does seem to be a stigma still.

I'm not actually childfree by choice (we're just about to start IVF #2) but most people don't know that. They just know that I'm in my 30s and my OH in his 40s with no children so assume they have the right to tell us to get on with it, that we'll regret it if we don't, that we're selfish for not giving our parents grandchildren, etc.

I have absolute respect for those who decide that children isn't for them. It's a choice that needs to be more widely respected imo.

I honestly struggle to believe people can be so rude! :eek:

LEJC

Going to put a slightly different slant on this one now and say Ive got a set of very close friends are childfree by choice...

they lost their child to illness at a pre school age...and never considered having another as they did not want to compare or replace...its been a tough time for them over the years and only those really close to them know what they went through and continue to go through,but they have rebuilt theit lives and I believe they are content with their choice,even though its not following their original plans.

Any

lostinrates wrote: »

I wanted a child but don't have one. Even I don't see it as a 'reason to live' and if I did I think, oddly, it would have potentially made a bad candidate for healthy parenthood of independent little beings.

(I feel kind of torn in the by choice thing.....after lots of false starts at adoption and fostering DH and I decided last year no more. This was personal reasons and my health. Essentially we chose not to persue. I would have, he wouldn't accept for me by that stage and I don't think its the sort of thing you do to make a partner happy, you are either both in with both feet or your out IMO. Essentially, unless barred for whatever reason from adoption those of us childless have chosen to be so I guess.

I didn't say everyone who has children sees like that.
I was commenting on a very paternal lady who specificaly said that life is not complete without children.

tea_lover

Metranil_Vavin wrote: »

I honestly struggle to believe people can be so rude! :eek:

It never fails to amaze me - some people (obviously not all!) seem to think they have a right to not only ask about something so personal but also to give strong opinions about what we 'should' be doing.

I've never had comments from any of my family, it's been random colleagues, 'friends', complete strangers in asda, etc.

Apologies for taking this a bit o/t .

Pricivius

I have no intention of having kids and it's been that way for as long as I can remember. I'm 35 now and can't see it changing at all.

I like kids and have worked with them so it's not a phobia or a dislike. I'm told I'm good with kids and I'm happy to spend time with nieces and nephews, but I don't want any small people of my own. I thank my sister every day for giving my mum grandkids so I don't feel obliged to do so!

I've been told I'm selfish for not wanting to bring small people into the world, but I would argue that could be twisted both ways as surely it is selfish act to make the decision to force life on someone else? To make their decisions for them, bring them up how I decide and influence them to my choosing?.

Part of it is a general panic about messing the whole thing up - I can barely take care of my own paperwork and belongings, let alone manage the life of someone else. Another part of it is not wanting my world dictated by someone else - I like my lie-ins, my freedom to do whatever whenever.

But what gets me most is society's expectations. I am odd for not having children. My life plan is unchartered territory as it is not structured around nursery, schooling, university and the various other life events of the small people. That's a bit scary - there's a sense that it would be easier to conform so that I can start ticking the boxes of choosing the right buggy and wallpaper for the nursery, then start looking at schools and whether he/she will learn guitar or piano, ballet or jujitsu. Life would go on based on school term times with my holiday timings dictated by the LEA, and on weekly football matches in junior league and end of term tap dancing recitals.

But not my life. Mine's an open book and I can do whatever.

Any

tea_lover wrote: »

I've had plenty of comments about it, there certainly does seem to be a stigma still.

I'm not actually childfree by choice (we're just about to start IVF #2) but most people don't know that. They just know that I'm in my 30s and my OH in his 40s with no children so assume they have the right to tell us to get on with it, that we'll regret it if we don't, that we're selfish for not giving our parents grandchildren, etc.

I have absolute respect for those who decide that children isn't for them. It's a choice that needs to be more widely respected imo.

I have the feeling that to people who dare to tell me things like this when I was trying to do everything to have children, I would make hysterical scene with tears and screaming:p
Hoping to scare them to death to ever open their mouth on the subject again.
Actually, my OH wants me to do that now every time we hear something equaly rude, but I am affraid that other people would give my game away.

lostinrates

Any wrote: »

I didn't say everyone who has children sees like that.
I was commenting on a very paternal lady who specificaly said that life is not complete without children.

Maternal lady? . Sure, I understood your point. I was just commenting on it, saying why I reject it, personally, as reasoning.

Any

lostinrates wrote: »

Maternal lady? .

LOL, you never know?? :rotfl: