Heartbroken. What to do?

UnLucky_in_Love

hazyjo wrote: »

It is SO very easy to get caught up in the moment.

BUT... by jumping straight in, you've already crossed lines and basically said you're okay with the situation. If you'd have both felt that 'something' and said 'look, there's obviously a connection, ring me if you're ever single', then fine. I do believe in that spark.

My first husband left me for someone he worked with. Obviously I fell apart, but 13 years later, they seem blissfully happy.

I left my second husband and got involved with someone very quickly who we both knew (he was fine with that and used to come round to see us both, bring drinks, etc - bizarre, but worked out okay for all in the end).

I also got involved with a married man and another who lived with someone. I WAS TOTALLY UNAWARE. First time, his wife rang me one lunchtime to tell me. I had two holidays booked with him, had been to his house (he lived near Manchester), we were several months into a relationship (and we'd chatted online for months before that). Second bloke said he was single, then I worked it out he was with someone, then he said they were splitting up and just separating the financials, blah blah blah. It went on and on and on and on - until I walked after realising he was never leaving in the first place and certainly not at that point months down the line.

My friend is seeing someone who's married. She's under TOTAL belief his marriage is over, that he's seen a solicitor, that his mum knows about her, that his eldest daughter (still under 10) knows... BUT he apparently managed one 'weak moment' months after starting up chats/talking to my friend (we knew him from school over 25 years ago) and had sex with his wife, resulting in a baby (born a couple of months ago. They have 2 other children). Honestly, from an outsider's position, it's black and white. But she won't have none of it. We met him and thought he just seemed sleazy and a bit of an a*se.

Try not to go all Romeo and Juliet and see it for what it is. I look back on 'more-or-less-married-bloke' now and think of all the wasted months (he still emails sometimes - over 10 years later). He was a very manipulative older man who I regret ever meeting. Easy to see it now. Was deluded at the time.

Jx

Thanks very much hazyjo. It is good to hear from someone who has been there. I can see how this has the potential to turn into an endless, ongoing quasi affair with no perspective. I need to find the strength to end this and stop all contact.

mrcow

UnLucky_in_Love wrote: »

It seems very unlikely the relationship with his wife will ever improve but he will not leave her children.

This has nothing to do with the children. And nothing to do with his wife "not understanding him"

You've fallen hook line and sinker for a classic and you are in complete denial about it from your posts.

You may think it's not about the sex. Don't kid yourself - that is all it's about.

He does not love you.
You are just a dirty little secret that now you've given him what he wants, he's going to lose interest in.

You are worth SO much more than this. You deserve someone who is going to love you and care for you. Someone who will put you first and be with you forever. This is all just so grubby and cheap.

Walk away.
No, don't walk away.....run!

MrSmartprice

tea_lover wrote: »

You can't really be this naive.

Unfortunately, I think she can. She says she's 37, yet seems to have no idea how a man's mind works.

I used to play these games years ago before I met 'the one', and that was whether I was in a relationship or not. And lots of people I've known have done the same. When I worked for the council in the 70s it seemed everybody was at it.

UnLucky_in_Love wrote: »

Thanks for this. I know. I find it worrying, and so does he. As I said he had never contemplated infidelity before.

And you believed that! Sorry, but You must have arrived on the last boat. If he's still playing around at 52, he will always be a player. I know someone in his 60s, married for 40 years, who is like that.

paulineb_2

I've known a couple of female friends who have started an affair behind their partners back. One friend had two affairs. One when she had a bf and started seeing someone else behind her bfs back. When the !!!! hit the fan it was not pretty. The other was when she was single and seeing a married man.

Another friend had a history of seeing people behind her partners back. She was miserable but wouldn't leave her partner and in the end married him.

Regardless of whether a partner finds out or doesn't. An affair rarely ends happily.

Stop making excuses for this man. He doesn't deserve them.

UnLucky_in_Love

mrcow wrote: »

This has nothing to do with the children. And nothing to do with his wife "not understanding him"

You've fallen hook line and sinker for a classic and you are in complete denial about it from your posts.

You may think it's not about the sex. Don't kid yourself - that is all it's about.

He does not love you.
You are just a dirty little secret that now you've given him what he wants, he's going to lose interest in.

You are worth SO much more than this. You deserve someone who is going to love you and care for you. Someone who will put you first and be with you forever. This is all just so grubby and cheap.

Walk away.
No, don't walk away.....run!

Thanks for your honest and kind words. While I don't agree with all of what you say you are right that he can't be the right man for me since he isn't free. I shall try and get over it and keep looking.

Person_one

Valli wrote: »

The OP is possibly vulnerable - and therefore easy prey - being 30+ and a single female isn't a nice place to be.(

Oh please! As a 29 year old single woman I certainly don't expect that in the next couple of years I'll turn into such a wet lettuce, willing to lap up any old load of tosh just to get a bit of male attention.

She's an adult, presumably living independently and supporting herself, she keeps telling us she's an academic so you'd hope she'd have a few brain cells to rub together, why would she be 'vulnerable'?

paulineb_2

I'm 40 plus and single. It still wouldn't make me start seeing someone who had a wife.

Person_one

mrcow wrote: »

This has nothing to do with the children. And nothing to do with his wife "not understanding him"

You've fallen hook line and sinker for a classic and you are in complete denial about it from your posts.

You may think it's not about the sex. Don't kid yourself - that is all it's about.

He does not love you.
You are just a dirty little secret that now you've given him what he wants, he's going to lose interest in.

You are worth SO much more than this. You deserve someone who is going to love you and care for you. Someone who will put you first and be with you forever. This is all just so grubby and cheap.

Walk away.
No, don't walk away.....run!

I was with you up until the bolded.

His wife is worth more, his stepchildren are worth more, the OP knew what she was getting into so she's decided her own 'worth' by going ahead with it.

hazyjo

PS I usually go to bed 2-3 hours later than my partner, and he often sleeps in the other bed. But we love each other like crazy and are the most affectionate lovey-dovey couple I know!

Oh, and my friend's 'boyfriend' apparently sleeps on the sofa and she comes out with things like 'I must ask him what the kids think about daddy not sleeping in the bed with their mum'. ARGHHH!

Please don't let it get any further. If he's unhappy in his marriage (big IF!), let him untangle himself from that and then you can start something.

Jx

arbroath_lass

UnLucky_in_Love wrote: »

Thanks very much hazyjo. It is good to hear from someone who has been there. I can see how this has the potential to turn into an endless, ongoing quasi affair with no perspective. I need to find the strength to end this and stop all contact.

Then think about what YOU are doing to his wife. Not him, YOU. Would you like someone to do that to you? Find your own man.

Think about your future. Is this really all you want? Stolen shags at the odd conference? Christmas Day on your own while he plays happy families with his REAL family? Do you want your colleagues gossiping about you? They will find out. Will it ruin your career? is that worth it?