Heartbroken. What to do?

UnLucky_in_Love

Wow, so many replies. Most of them unsymphathetic, some nasty, and a few understanding ones. (Thanks especially for those.)

While it may appear (on an internet forum) that he is a serial predator and I am a gullible lonely woman with no morals, that's really not the case.

It is interesting how some posters seem to have superior knowledge or judgment on what love is, and who can/should fall in love with whom, and when.

In the way of an update, after several long phone calls we have decided to stop all contact until the new year. He needs time and breathing space to evaluate his situation at home, and I need to stay sane. This will be very hard on both of us but it is the only sensible thing to do.

Valli

UnLucky_in_Love wrote: »

Wow, so many replies. Most of them unsymphathetic, some nasty, and a few understanding ones. (Thanks especially for those.)

While it may appear (on an internet forum) that he is a serial predator and I am a gullible lonely woman with no morals, that's really not the case.

It is interesting how some posters seem to have superior knowledge or judgment on what love is, and who can/should fall in love with whom, and when.

In the way of an update, after several long phone calls we have decided to stop all contact until the new year. He needs time and breathing space to evaluate his situation at home, and I need to stay sane. This will be very hard on both of us but it is the only sensible thing to do.

Until the New Year? Seriously?

OP he is committed to someone else. He should be making decisions about his marriage. Either he is going to stay married to his wife of less than two years. Or not.

Once he hgas sorted that part of his life, if he has chosen to end his marriage then he can start to form a relationship with someone else.

Have some dignity, please. Do you really feel you could completely trust a man who is lying to the person who is, in effect, a 'new' bride without a second thought? And what about the potential fallout? Your academic career and certainly the respect you are held in are at serious risk, here.

And gullible isn't quite the same as vulnerable.:p And as for serial predator how do you know he isn't one?

paulineb_2

UnLucky_in_Love wrote: »

Wow, so many replies. Most of them unsymphathetic, some nasty, and a few understanding ones. (Thanks especially for those.)

While it may appear (on an internet forum) that he is a serial predator and I am a gullible lonely woman with no morals, that's really not the case.

It is interesting how some posters seem to have superior knowledge or judgment on what love is, and who can/should fall in love with whom, and when.

In the way of an update, after several long phone calls we have decided to stop all contact until the new year. He needs time and breathing space to evaluate his situation at home, and I need to stay sane. This will be very hard on both of us but it is the only sensible thing to do.

Actually, some responses may not have been to your liking, but they werent all unsympathetic.

And its not superior knowledge of whether people can fall in love within a short space of time. I said in a previous post that I fell in love with someone quickly, but not over a period of hours.

Love isnt just the good bits, its the crap bits, its people getting ill, having great big arguments, even splitting up and getting back together. Its supporting someone through times such as losing their job or bereavement and yes the plain sailing bits can be love, but the love you have for this man hasnt been tested in any way shape or form. Its been a few hundred emails, no doubt buttering you up and telling you what you want to hear and a couple of meetings.

Wait around until the wife finds out and the brown stuff hits the fan and perhaps you might come back and re evaluate whether what you feel for this man and him you is love.

Because the person hes supposed to love and who he married only 18 months ago and who he doesnt mind slagging off to you, is sitting at home not knowing any of this.

Poor sod. Once the pink and fluffy clouds go and you take the rose tinted specs off you might realise that this man is a liar, a cheat and very possibly a player.

paulineb_2

Actually Im going to say here that I dont think you are particularly vulnerable because you are in your late 30s. Im in my mid 40s and single and I dont feel any more vulnerable now being single than I was in my 20s. But its a personal thing. And no, we dont choose who we have feelings for.

But we choose what we do about them. Life isnt all black and white. You can meet people and care about them deeply. I have a friend who is a few years younger than me and hes one of the best friends I have. And if he were single things might be different. But hes not. And when he emailed to tell me about a year ago that he was getting married, I couldnt have been happier for him. Its possible to care for people, its possible to love people even, but if you know they are with someone, then the sensible thing to do is back off. And not sleep with them.

And from the experience of friends of mine, yes when people have affairs it can work out. I wish my friend I spoke about earlier had never married her first husband. He was violent to her, lots of us told her not to marry him, but the people she needed support from the most, parents, pressured her into the wedding because it was bought and paid for.

And that guy she started seeing is her husband and by all accounts they are very happy, but I would suspect that that is the exception and not the norm. Ive known other people to have affairs and its ended up in misery, people wasting years of their lives waiting for someone to leave their partner and theres always an excuse not to.

You arent going to curl up and die if you dont see this man again. And even if you are single for a few years well so be it. Either he sorts out his marriage sharpish and I mean sharpish, or you give him a wide berth and you keep it like that.

Because if you dont, you'll end up living this half life of promises that dont ever happen and before you know it, 5 years will have passed and you could have met someone really decent. And single.

Someone who is capable of being as obnoxious as he is to his wife at the moment, painting her in such a bad light, is very capable of doing the same to you. Id find it impossible to respect someone who spoke so badly of someone they had just recently married.

The signs are, that this isnt really a lovely bloke.

Person_one

UnLucky_in_Love wrote: »

In the way of an update, after several long phone calls we have decided to stop all contact until the new year. He needs time and breathing space to evaluate his situation at home, and I need to stay sane. This will be very hard on both of us but it is the only sensible thing to do.

Are you hoping he'll leave his new wife and stepchildren over the festive period?

paulineb_2

Evaluate his situation at home. What the eff does that mean, hes so bloody miserable with her because shes so horrible, but guess what, hes not leaving her is he?

If he really did want to be with you and his marriage was so miserable, hed get out now and be with you.

Evaluate my !!!!, hes just spinning you a line.

UnLucky_in_Love

I agree our love hasn't been tested. I have never said otherwise. And we may never have the opportunity to test it. I have been in long term relationships by the way, and know the ups and downs, trials and tribulations very well.

He hasn't slagged his wife off in the slightest. Nor is he painting her in a bad light. But the prospects for their marriage as it stands aren't good (and that was true before we met).

Whether or not he tells her about us is his decision, and I don't want to be involved in it. We are both well aware of the consequences that a split from his wife would bring. It is scary, and causing him serious anxiety. Their marriage has been in trouble from the word go but that doesn't mean it is easy to walk away.

I can't be involved in the situation until he has made a decision on his marriage. If he stays with his wife it will all end there. Or we will get back in touch once he is free to do so. For now it has effectively ended, which pains us both but is the only sensible way to proceed.

UnLucky_in_Love

Person_one wrote: »

Are you hoping he'll leave his new wife and stepchildren over the festive period?

Certainly not. And he won't. It is not a fixed deadline. He might have come to a decision by then. He might need more time. We will see.

Person_one

So who will be playing you both in the movie? I'd guess you're imagining George Clooney and Emily Blunt maybe...

paulineb_2

UnLucky_in_Love wrote: »

I agree our love hasn't been tested. I have never said otherwise. And we may never have the opportunity to test it. I have been in long term relationships by the way, and know the ups and downs, trials and tribulations very well.

He hasn't slagged his wife off in the slightest. Nor is he painting her in a bad light. But the prospects for their marriage as it stands aren't good (and that was true before we met).

Whether or not he tells her about us is his decision, and I don't want to be involved in it. We are both well aware of the consequences that a split from his wife would bring. It is scary, and causing him serious anxiety. Their marriage has been in trouble from the word go but that doesn't mean it is easy to walk away.

I can't be involved in the situation until he has made a decision on his marriage. If he stays with his wife it will all end there. Or we will get back in touch once he is free to do so. For now it has effectively ended, which pains us both but is the only sensible way to proceed.

Hes made comments about his wife that are not positive. You dont know if the marriage has been in trouble from the word go, you only have his word for that, you have no proof.

You are already involved. Youve slept with him and you say you love him. Its too late to distance yourself. If you didnt want to get involved, you shouldnt have slept with the man.