Heartbroken. What to do?

meer53

I've not read all the replies, i got to post number 20 and stopped. So, he told you he doesn't sleep with his wife any more and that he's only staying because of the kids ? And you believed this ?

It's the classic "my wife doesn't understand me any more" line. You have to be pretty naive to fall for that one ! He must have thought all his birthdays had come at once.

FBaby

With respect, having lived through familial afffairs must desenitise you to the reality of the hurt caused to those not involved. You have emotional connections to those people and so cannot bring yourselves to think they have behaved badly. That is not how others see it.

I think all of them have behaved appallingly. I do not condone what they have done at all. That's not what I am saying. What I am saying is that bad things happen in life, people get hurt, but that doesn't mean that it was unavoidable. I am not convinced that being left by your partner when you still love them makes it that much less painful if they left to be on their own. I left my ex because I didn't want to be with him any longer, no one involved at all but he took him a long time to get over it. So maybe not as painful, but still very painful indeed.

All I am saying is that there are different types of affairs. There is the selfish serial cheater, who has no respect or care for his wife and just jump at all what comes his way because it makes him feel better. Next to that might be a man struggling with a wife who is making his life a nightmare for whatever reason, who is trying hard to make the marriage work but with nothing coming back, who suddenly meet someone who brings huge feelings to his heart and with whom he can see himself spend the rest of his life with. Affairs are not all black and white. I wouldn't judge someone purely on the basis on them having had an affair, but on all the factors behind it. It doesn't mean that I agree with them, or that people get involved in affairs because they can't be bothered to try to save their marriage.

I am certainly not desensitised about affairs, if I did, I probably would have had one by now!

brasso

UnLucky_in_Love wrote: »

Now I appreciate that the advice is going to be “get over it” but just writing my story down will make me feel better. I also fully expect to get flamed for this but please hear me out. (I am a regular poster on the forums but have created a new identity for this post.)

..............

I couldn't bear to read past the 2nd or 3rd response in the thread as I would have been too depressed by people's hypocrisy and sickening 'holier than thou' attitude. We all preach standards of other people that we wouldn't dream of adhering to ourselves, it seems.

If you are both genuinely attracted to each other, then go for it.

Life's too short.

poet123

brasso wrote: »

I couldn't bear to read past the 2nd or 3rd response in the thread as I would have been too depressed by people's hypocrisy and sickening 'holier than thou' attitude. We all preach standards of other people that we wouldn't dream of adhering to ourselves, it seems.

If you are both genuinely attracted to each other, then go for it.

Life's too short.

And how do you know that?

Person_one

brasso wrote: »

I couldn't bear to read past the 2nd or 3rd response in the thread as I would have been too depressed by people's hypocrisy and sickening 'holier than thou' attitude. We all preach standards of other people that we wouldn't dream of adhering to ourselves, it seems.

If you are both genuinely attracted to each other, then go for it.

Life's too short.

You make the mistake of assuming everybody's standards are as low as your own.

Frith

Valli wrote: »

The OP is possibly vulnerable - and therefore easy prey - being 30+ and a single female isn't a nice place to be.

Erm... most of us seem to manage it without having affairs!

meer53

brasso wrote: »

I couldn't bear to read past the 2nd or 3rd response in the thread as I would have been too depressed by people's hypocrisy and sickening 'holier than thou' attitude. We all preach standards of other people that we wouldn't dream of adhering to ourselves, it seems.

If you are both genuinely attracted to each other, then go for it.

Life's too short.

Have you ever been involved in a relationship where one person has had an affair ?

thorsoak

brasso wrote: »

I couldn't bear to read past the 2nd or 3rd response in the thread as I would have been too depressed by people's hypocrisy and sickening 'holier than thou' attitude. We all preach standards of other people that we wouldn't dream of adhering to ourselves, it seems.

If you are both genuinely attracted to each other, then go for it.

Life's too short.

Please don't think that we all have such low standards as yours would appear to be.

Valli

Frith wrote: »

Erm... most of us seem to manage it without having affairs!

I'm not talking about 'most of us' - I'm talking about the OP and what she said about herself.

UnLucky_in_Love wrote: »

I am a 37 year- old woman and have pretty much given up on finding love. I have now been single for years and I don’t like it, but I just don’t seem to meet anyone whom I’d be interested in and vice versa. I am also terrible at dating

So we have here a self-confessed lonely person - and, unfortunately, she's been singled out by an older man, showered with attention and she's fallen hook, line and sinker. He's fed her line after line to both excuse his own behaviour (I'm only staying with her for the sake of the kids etc) and get what he wants.

Absolutely classic scenario. And that's why, IMO, the OP deserves some sympathy - because she's been played with like a cat with a mouse by a bloke who'll probably turn out to be a serial predator. Because for every woman who wouldn't touch someone else's man with a bargepole there's one who believes every little lie these blokes searching for a bit of fun spout. Unfortunately.

Errata

Fair play, the OP spent three hours in the bloke's company before she dropped her drawers. That isn't remotely anything like having an affair.