Heartbroken. What to do?

FBaby

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

OP I wouldnt give it another thought, you slept with a married man its not great but it isnt the crime of the century either. Lots of people in relationships will shag about if they get if offered on a plate.
All that about his wife being this that and the other is absolute rubbish. he wanted a shag and knew what to say to get it.
What your best off doing is developing your hobbies and interests so that you may meet someone who can offer you a bit more than just a shag.

I agree with the first part but not second. Many people start affairsfor whatever reasons and do end up leaving their partner for the other. Sometimes it doesn't work sometimes it doesn't. I certainly have couple friends and family which were the result of an affair who many years down the line are very happy together. it is often about a shag but not always.

seven-day-weekend

I don't know many people who have had extra-marital affairs, but of those I do know, NOT ONE has ended up with the person they had the affair with, although several are re-married to someone else. Several are still married to their original spouse and have made a success of their marriage.

System

A friend of mine had an affair 15 years into her marriage. She didn't marry him though but she married someone else a couple of years later.

I think in her case I think it was just the means to an end which I think is awful. If she was going to have an affair with someone she could have made sure the bloke she had sex with was worth breaking up her marriage for.

ska_lover

fawd1 wrote: »

Quite right. I completely agree. I have no idea what love is, despite having had 2 children and been married for half a decade. So please, explain to me what love is. Because what I felt after knowing that man for three hours was that I would do anything, give up anything and live through anything to ensure his happiness, even if I got nothing in return. But you're quite right, that's nothing like the real love you feel for a husband or child is it?

Your hyperbole simply makes me think that you're the sort of person who only LOVES someone once they're so entrenched in your life it's difficult to let them go. That's not love, it's inconvenience.

I could explain to you what (my perception of) love is / or is not - but you will probably continue with your immature name calling technique - which says more about you, than it does about me. An emotionally immature person could think they have fallen 'in love' with the illusion they have in their head, of a complete stranger, after a few hours. Its like a teenager saying they love Justin Beiber cos they have glimpsed a 2 dimentional poster. Huge difference between love and lust

Your reaction is way over the top and totally defensive. As adults, people can disagree without it leading to name calling or passive/aggressive sarcasm. Sarcasm always looks weak, as it shows a lack of assertiveness/confidence to be direct in your approach.

FBaby

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I don't know many people who have had extra-marital affairs, but of those I do know, NOT ONE has ended up with the person they had the affair with, although several are re-married to someone else. Several are still married to their original spouse and have made a success of their marriage.

And that shows that there are different intentions behind having an affair and we can't generalise as to what motivates someone to have one.

My grand-father had an affair with his young and pretty secretary when my father was 15. He left his wife and son to move 100s miles away with her. They married a couple of years later and had two children. They were still married when he died 10 years ago. His wife is lovely and although they had no contact at all for years, he got closer to her later in life and is now still in regular contact with both her and his half sibling. I don't know whether my grand-father was deeply unhappy with my grand-mother, fell madly in love with the secretary or what really lead to the affair, but it worked.

My mother was the young assistant working for my step-father, married father of 5, the youngest one being only 2. He had an affair with my mum (14 years younger), left his wife to share a relationship with my mum (together for years but not living together/married). They finally married 12 years later, had a child and were together until he passed away. We are in good contact with 3 out of his 5 children.

As mentioned above, my husband first wife had an affair, left my husband and is still with this man 10 years on and a child together.

I also have friends with similar stories. This is why I am not so black and white about affairs as most posters are. I have never cheated, never felt inclined to do so, and I really really can't ever imagine doing it. Like it's been said before, I can't imagine being physically close to someone I am not emotionally attached to and I am strong and independent enough that things were wrong in my marriage, I would be able to leave without resorting to an affair (as I did with my ex). However, it is not because I feel the way I do that I believe anyone who doesn't or who have different experiences to mine are horrible people or totally wrong. There are usually many factors that lead to someone having an affair and I think the one who actually does the deed is not always the one 100% in the wrong.

geri1965_2

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I don't know many people who have had extra-marital affairs, but of those I do know, NOT ONE has ended up with the person they had the affair with, although several are re-married to someone else. Several are still married to their original spouse and have made a success of their marriage.

My mum left my dad for the man she was having an affair with. They have been married 25 years now, longer than she was married to my dad.

I love my stepdad now but it wasn't easy at the time.

poet123

With respect, having lived through familial afffairs must desenitise you to the reality of the hurt caused to those not involved. You have emotional connections to those people and so cannot bring yourselves to think they have behaved badly. That is not how others see it.

I accept marriages fail, but the honest thing to do is to tell your partner and leave, not start a hole in the corner affair for personal gratification.

I also believe that in the majority of cases if the propensity to cheat and lie is there once, it is always there, it may lie dormant or it simply may be too much trouble as you get older, but it is still there. Personally, I would always have the doubt that if he could do it once, he could do it again.

I watched Michael Flatley on Piers Morgan last night as he said how he idolised his wife, but he did not give a straight answer to the question "has your roving eye gone away" In fact if I had been his wife I would have been very hurt. However, she went into that relationship knowing he had left a trail of devastation in his wake so perhaps deep down she knows it is only a matter of time and opportunity?

Gloomendoom

From memory, I know at least three couples whose relationship started as an affair. All have been together or married for several years now and appear happy enough.

It might not be the popular view, but it does look like people can actually leave their spouse for another man or women and live with that person happily ever after.

paulineb_2

Gloomendoom wrote: »

From memory, I know at least three couples whose relationship started as an affair. All have been together or married for several years now and appear happy enough.

It might not be the popular view, but it does look like people can actually leave their spouse for another man or women and live with that person happily ever after.

Yes they can. People can cheat, leave a marriage or relationship and marry someone else and be happy.

Im perfectly aware of the carnage affairs cause, but people can and do meet other people without cheating on them at a future date.

paulineb_2

I also have to say if you are heartbroken after one intimate encounter and spending a few hours with someone, perhaps you need to look at why you feel so deeply for someone you barely know.

A lot of people have been through real heartbreak, a relationship being over before its begun isnt really heartbreak in my view, but thats just my view.