Family cut themselves out of my son's life

bellevie

abusers/controllers (mentally/physically/financial) are not normal people who would respond in a normal way. I think normal people, unless they have known someone with the same controlling abusing traits, would only see how they would respond - normally. Chances are they would know their children well enough than to let things spiral out of control - Normal situation
1)Holiday?
2)No, ok maybe when he is older?
3)Or Why don't we all go?
4)Or if it really is about toddler - Id really like him to go XYZ, its that important to me, here as a gift on me, enjoy this holiday.
5)Ok, thats fine, no insult taken completely understand its hard when they are young to be separated.

None of that, it was a typical abusers pattern when they can feel themselves loosing power.
1)Im taking him.
2)fine you will come running soon (silence for 2 weeks)
3)you cant stop me - threatening solictors.
4)you wont stop me - turning up banging on door reminding that they can physically get to her
5)you will regret stopping me -reminding oar incident, perhaps hidden threat, if people find out what you are really like he is mine.
6)its all your fault - think of poor wigglet, what a terrible mum you must be - last attempt usually a guilt trip.

From personal experience, the more they get away with the more drive it give them to do worse they feel almost invincible, this lady has had years of undisputed ruling, and Wiggy breaking away has really shocked/angered her.

A meeting I don't think would have worked for this type of character - it just allows them to potentially seem even more perfect and add doubt to the victims thoughts, strengthen their control.

Driving the boyfriends/husbands away had to be done by the mother, they are a risk, they could encourage independence, see how other families work, perhaps even see the mother for what she is and possibly be the first to take her on/put her in her place - too risky - get them out, be the supporter, victim is back in mothers arms thinking how lucky they are to be protected by mother - back under control, risk gone.

It may seem daunting cutting everyone off, but actually Wiggy has a home, a happy little boy, has good career prospects and is building a real support network via meeting new friends and supporting toddler in building a relationship with his dad which again will add to her support network. Things can only get better for Wiggy now.

LannieDuck

meritaten wrote: »

I can understand other people will post different viewpoints from their own perspective - as they are entitled to do so on forums, but please don't undermine those who are trying their best to support a very vulnerable young woman and her child from a distance!

I think everyone on here wants to support wiggy and wiglet. I don't think anyone has said that they don't sympathise with her situation.

However, when there's such an overwhelming strength of opinion in one direction on a thread like this, I think it's really important for those of us who have a different view to feel that we can say "hang on, there are other opinions here". And it can actually be quite hard to do that - the two posters who agreed with me earlier in the thread both said that they thought they were going to be 'flamed' for posting their opinion.

Simply disagreeing with the advice being given isn't 'undermining' it. And it can be done in such a way that it doesn't descend into an argument. The consequences of the advice on this thread are quite significant - a family is being broken up. If people don't feel able to voice a contrary opinion, I think it becomes a bit of a dangerous positive feedback loop. If the other opinions are out there, even just tokenistically, at least wiggy can consider that not everyone agrees with the advice being given and there are other approaches that could be considered (and possibly dismissed, but that's her decision to make).

As others have said, she's a very intelligent young woman. She can cope with hearing more than one point of view.

paulineb_2

Not really much of a family is it though? And most of that is down to the mothers behaviour?

As Ive said before, if someone tries to abduct a child, it crosses just about every line of common decency that there is.

paulineb_2

bellevie wrote: »

abusers/controllers (mentally/physically/financial) are not normal people who would respond in a normal way. I think normal people, unless they have known someone with the same controlling abusing traits, would only see how they would respond - normally. Chances are they would know their children well enough than to let things spiral out of control - Normal situation
1)Holiday?
2)No, ok maybe when he is older?
3)Or Why don't we all go?
4)Or if it really is about toddler - Id really like him to go XYZ, its that important to me, here as a gift on me, enjoy this holiday.
5)Ok, thats fine, no insult taken completely understand its hard when they are young to be separated.

None of that, it was a typical abusers pattern when they can feel themselves loosing power.
1)Im taking him.
2)fine you will come running soon (silence for 2 weeks)
3)you cant stop me - threatening solictors.
4)you wont stop me - turning up banging on door reminding that they can physically get to her
5)you will regret stopping me -reminding oar incident, perhaps hidden threat, if people find out what you are really like he is mine.
6)its all your fault - think of poor wigglet, what a terrible mum you must be - last attempt usually a guilt trip.

From personal experience, the more they get away with the more drive it give them to do worse they feel almost invincible, this lady has had years of undisputed ruling, and Wiggy breaking away has really shocked/angered her.

A meeting I don't think would have worked for this type of character - it just allows them to potentially seem even more perfect and add doubt to the victims thoughts, strengthen their control.

Driving the boyfriends/husbands away had to be done by the mother, they are a risk, they could encourage independence, see how other families work, perhaps even see the mother for what she is and possibly be the first to take her on/put her in her place - too risky - get them out, be the supporter, victim is back in mothers arms thinking how lucky they are to be protected by mother - back under control, risk gone.

It may seem daunting cutting everyone off, but actually Wiggy has a home, a happy little boy, has good career prospects and is building a real support network via meeting new friends and supporting toddler in building a relationship with his dad which again will add to her support network. Things can only get better for Wiggy now.

I think this post has the situation summed up perfectly.

my-user-name

LannieDuck wrote: »

I think everyone on here wants to support wiggy and wiglet. I don't think anyone has said that they don't sympathise with her situation.

However, when there's such an overwhelming strength of opinion in one direction on a thread like this, I think it's really important for those of us who have a different view to feel that we can say "hang on, there are other opinions here". And it can actually be quite hard to do that - the two posters who agreed with me earlier in the thread both said that they thought they were going to be 'flamed' for posting their opinion.

Simply disagreeing with the advice being given isn't 'undermining' it. And it can be done in such a way that it doesn't descend into an argument. The consequences of the advice on this thread are quite significant - a family is being broken up. If people don't feel able to voice a contrary opinion, I think it becomes a bit of a dangerous positive feedback loop. If the other opinions are out there, even just tokenistically, at least wiggy can consider that not everyone agrees with the advice being given and there are other approaches that could be considered (and possibly dismissed, but that's her decision to make).

As others have said, she's a very intelligent young woman. She can cope with hearing more than one point of view.

Excellent post Lannie,its nice to know you understand what I was trying to say.
I do think wiggys mum is cruel,not only to wiggy but to the rest of her family.However,I do feel this could of been sorted out better right at the very beginning.Have I got the answers??hell no but the fact remains others on here also have opinions and should be able to post them on here.


I still say this woman has carried on this behaviour because no one has ever stood up to her,now one of her family has,she finds it so hard to accept.


BUT ITS JUST MY OPINION!! Im not saying Im right or wrong,its just my opinion.


And I shall now bow out of this thread,good luck for the future wiggy.xx

paulineb_2

my-user-name wrote: »

Excellent post Lannie,its nice to know you understand what I was trying to say.
I do think wiggys mum is cruel,not only to wiggy but to the rest of her family.However,I do feel this could of been sorted out better right at the very beginning.Have I got the answers??hell no but the fact remains others on here also have opinions and should be able to post them on here.


I still say this woman has carried on this behaviour because no one has ever stood up to her,now one of her family has,she finds it so hard to accept.


BUT ITS JUST MY OPINION!! Im not saying Im right or wrong,its just my opinion.


And I shall now bow out of this thread,good luck for the future wiggy.xx

You should be able to post on here, but bear in mind, the person who started the thread has made a number of posts where she has been clearly anxious about the texts and wondering if shes done the right thing, I certainly would hope that she doesnt get stressed by posts suggesting that shes doing the wrong thing doing what shes doing now.

And there was one post (not yours) that I think that should have been thought through much more before it was ever typed.

missprice

I think the family was already broken up just no one knew that til recently.

All differing views should be welcome and as far as I can tell they are even if we have to agree to differ.
Whats the advice you would have given right back at the start of this thread?
When wiggys mother said go then and don't let me see you again til I can take your tiny child away on hol without you for 2 weeks?

And why now is it wiggys problem to tell her mother she is unreasonable, why not someone else 15 years ago?

paulineb_2

my-user-name wrote: »

Excellent post Lannie,its nice to know you understand what I was trying to say.
I do think wiggys mum is cruel,not only to wiggy but to the rest of her family.However,I do feel this could of been sorted out better right at the very beginning.Have I got the answers??hell no but the fact remains others on here also have opinions and should be able to post them on here.


I still say this woman has carried on this behaviour because no one has ever stood up to her,now one of her family has,she finds it so hard to accept.


BUT ITS JUST MY OPINION!! Im not saying Im right or wrong,its just my opinion.


And I shall now bow out of this thread,good luck for the future wiggy.xx

At the very beginning of? As someone said already, the abuse of the OP and her sister and other relatives have been going on for years. The OP thought that the way her mum behaved was normal, that was her reality.

And when you have been brought up with a different perspective to how families work who dont have a parent like her, you think thats normal, you think you arent being abused and I dare say, you probably blame yourself for a lot of whats happened.

I actually applaud the OP for having the strength to try and make a better life for her and her son away from the games and control that the mother tries to exert over everyone she seems to be related to and their partners.

Its not for the OP to try and get the mother to change her ways or educate her about what a nightmare shes been, the mum might be perfectly aware of what shes doing.

Safety first, the Op and her sons safety is the most important thing here.

thorsoak

Because of her upbringing, Wiggy does not - and in all probability will never - have a normal relationship with her mother. Basically, Wiggy is AFRAID of her mother! When you are afraid of someone, it is hard to talk to them in a rational, reasoned manner - fear has struck her dumb.

She is gaining in confidence and maybe, in years to come she might be able to tell her mother exactly why she does not wish to continue with what is a toxic relationship - but not yet.

It may even be that Wiggy's defection from the family camp will mean that her sister begins to question mother's attitude about life and the "mother knows better than anyone else" ethos, and might strike out independently too. Then the sisters can begin to repair their relationship.

mountainofdebt

I know that Wiggy shouldn't write to her mum but I must admit I can see why a letter would have been useful.

Perhaps a letter,addressed to her solicitor detailing why she doesn't want contact would be a solution and if the solicitor,or other people assisting Wiggy in RL,thinks it would be beneficial to do so, a copy can be sent to the mum through the solicitor