Family cut themselves out of my son's life

thorsoak

paulineb wrote: »

What about the way shes behaved towards her daughters, daughters partner and mother over the years?

And the attempt to snatch the child? I might be more inclined to agree with you if this was an isolated incident but its far from that.

Its poor me, poor victim, what have I done? All about her.
Laughing as you try and snatch someones child. I couldnt forgive that personally.

Not to mention her husband - Wiggy's father .........

This estrangement came about when Wiggy refused to let her son (under 2 years old) go to Spain with her mother and without Wiggy - and mother and sister decided that they would have nothing more to do with Wiggy if Wiglet was not going with them!

my-user-name

paulineb wrote: »

What about the way shes behaved towards her daughters, daughters partner and mother over the years?

And the attempt to snatch the child? I might be more inclined to agree with you if this was an isolated incident but its far from that.

Its poor me, poor victim, what have I done? All about her.
Laughing as you try and snatch someones child. I couldnt forgive that personally.

Well its clear to see that this woman has carried on with this behaviour over the years to her daughters,daughters partner and mother because no one has stopped her surely.??


And if no one has attempted to stop her then she will carry on because in her mind shes doing nothing wrong.


That's why wiggy needed to tell her mother that what she is doing and has been doing over the years is wrong.

missprice

my-user-name wrote: »

Yes your right,letter writing at this stage is out of the question


Mediation should have been offered at the early stages I feel,Im surprised the police didn't suggest this.?


But its too late for either one of them now,its a sad situation for all concerned.

Well its not sad for all I don't think. At least wiglet is OK and happy.
You never get over cutting family out, you just learn to live with it, its sad for me to not have a mother, some days I could really do with one even now more than 20 years later, but to keep said parent would have meant her husband having access to my children. What mother puts her husband before her child and possible grandchildren?
What mother says hey its OK your grandad is a nasty evil bloke but no worries you can go stay with him with just your grandmother for protection.

When do you think mediation should have been offered, as in at which point of this whole mess? When wiglet was born, when the father was cut out, when wiglet was kidnapped (the oar incident) when mother used sister for contact, when mother came round and hammered on the door for half an hour?

Its far from too late yet, even if wiggy leaves it all alone for 20 years she will still be able to pick up contact when she wants to. The mother needs the contact, just for the sake of control. So she will never turn down any chance to see wiggy and or wiglet. Because if you can talk to them you can turn them and make them feel guilty.

paulineb_2

my-user-name wrote: »

It certainly looks that way Lannie


And it could of all been avoided by getting around a table in a safe and secure environment with a trained mediation advisor.


I think if this had happened then there would of been no texts,no banging on doors and no sad wiggy.


Just hope everything turns out ok in the end but its clear to see that wiggy dosent have a family anymore and that's the saddest part of all,in my opinion it could have been avoided but I think Im in the minority on this.Good luck wiggy.x

Sorry, but the mum and sister tried to snatch her child way before this situation occurred. How do you mediate with someone who tries to take your child from you? How do you mediate with someone who demands that you have no contact with the childs father. Shes demanded that the sisters boyfriend isnt named on the birth certificate of her child. The OP's gran doesnt sound like she has much of a life either.

This is not a reasonable woman. She sounds like she has severe mental health issues (and as Ive said before not everyone who has mental health problems will behave like her) or some kind of personality disorder. How can you reason with someone who behaves as irrationally as she does?

And the OP has only shared some of what her life has been like with the mum. I dont think mediation could fix this situation, the mum doesnt sound like shes ever going to change.

Frustration is not trying to batter someones door down, nor is it getting people to send texts when youve been asked legally to stay away. Its harassment. Pure and simple.

paulineb_2

my-user-name wrote: »

Well its clear to see that this woman has carried on with this behaviour over the years to her daughters,daughters partner and mother because no one has stopped her surely.??


And if no one has attempted to stop her then she will carry on because in her mind shes doing nothing wrong.


That's why wiggy needed to tell her mother that what she is doing and has been doing over the years is wrong.

How can you stop someone as controlling as she is? I would suggest its an impossible task.

No, I dont think its the OPs task to tell her mum what shes been doing is wrong, that should have been done long before now. And even if someone did step in and say something, do you honestly think the mum is going to hold her hands up and say, yes, Ive been to blame, I'll change my ways. I very much doubt it.

But I bet if she did write and say, you're wrong, she'd get more of the poor old me texts, why are you doing this to me, what have I ever done to you?

Everyone has the right to peace and quiet and if that means cutting yourself off from a controlling and manipulative parent so be it. Before more damage is done, I would think shes already done enough mental damage to the OP as it is, hopefully that wont continue on with the OP's son.

KxMx

my-user-name wrote: »

Well its clear to see that this woman has carried on with this behaviour over the years to her daughters,daughters partner and mother because no one has stopped her surely.??


And if no one has attempted to stop her then she will carry on because in her mind shes doing nothing wrong.


That's why wiggy needed to tell her mother that what she is doing and has been doing over the years is wrong.

With some people though telling them they are wrong would make not a jot of difference. It would be twisted round so that the complainer turns into the villain.

Wiggy knows her mum better than we do, she has decided that would do no good and has gone the route of cutting contact instead.

I can empathise because I am in a similar situation with my father. In his eyes he made mistakes but was a good parent (he told me this only yesterday) and cited a (rare) situation where he did make efforts to help my brother. Nothing about the physical, mental and emotional abuse he subjected us to. Pointing this out to my Dad would be pointless because of his mindset. I like to think he blanks those incidents out of shame but suspect otherwise knowing him as I do.

I'd respectfully suggest wiggy knows best here rather than us posters.

I am sorry for your situation because family estrangements are very, very hard indeed on those involved whether they are viewed as justified or unjustified.

meritaten

I do so admire Wiggy! instead of knuckling under and allowing her mother to control her life - Wiggy has herself realised that her mother does NOT behave normally! she has done her best to ensure that Wiglet now gets a normal happy family life - totally the opposite to the one she endured!
all her threads have one common theme - she is asking for help from people with normal family lives so she can emulate them and to help her grow strong enough to deal with all this crap!

it is hard to imagine having to learn what a normal family life is like!

Wiggy has read enough on here to know that what she went through isn't how most people live - and bright enough to ask for our help!

I can understand other people will post different viewpoints from their own perspective - as they are entitled to do so on forums, but please don't undermine those who are trying their best to support a very vulnerable young woman and her child from a distance!

theoretica

I agree that Wiggy writing to her mother now would only undermine the 'no contact', weaken the legal case, and her mother might feel it was an opening to argue back.

However, I also see the point about just maybe her mother not truly realising what she has done, and needing to learn for the sake of Wiglet's cousin. If or when Wiggy does want to make this clear maybe this is something that the legal people/women's aid could advise about - maybe a letter from women's aid to her mother's solicitor?

paulineb_2

Im sure many people who emotionally abuse other people know exactly what they are doing. This could be the case for the OP's mum.

Shes an adult with a grown family, she cant undo the damage shes done and I honestly dont think the OP should be even entertaining the thought of saying to her, this is why I want you to stay away from me.

Because that could open up another big can of worms.

jellyhead

Perhaps the police will outline to Wiggy's mum the reasons why Wiggy doesn't want contact. Then she'll know, without Wiggy having to contact her.