Family cut themselves out of my son's life

duchy

Lannie -are you by any chance a grandmother with a less than good relationship with your grandchild's mother ?

The point is ...if someone rocked up to your door (letting themselves into the building with a key they shouldn't have) who you had told you didn't want to see .....and then hammered on the door for half an hour -and then lurked outside (knowing such behaviour would likely scare the toddler inside) -what would you do ? Blood tie doesn't excuse that kind of behaviour.

Is it sad things have got to this point- Yes of course it is. Has Wiggy's Mum really given her any other options or tried to compromise ? No - all she has done is bang on about how SHE wants to see the grandson she has a god given right to see. Remember how all this started ? She was demanding to take a two year old abroad without his mother for two weeks and threatening to break all ties if his mother (who was expressly excluded from the holiday) refused.

She really has brought all this on herself with her threats and entitlement issues.

LannieDuck

duchy wrote: »

Lannie -are you by any chance a grandmother with a less than good relationship with your grandchild's mother ?

The point is ...if someone rocked up to your door (letting themselves into the building with a key they shouldn't have) who you had told you didn't want to see .....and then hammered on the door for half an hour -and then lurked outside (knowing such behaviour would likely scare the toddler inside) -what would you do ? Blood tie doesn't excuse that kind of behaviour.

lol, no. I'm a new(ish) mum whose DD is lucky enough to have two lovely sets of grandparents. I suspect that's the reason I'm finding this thread a bit outside my understanding. I haven't commented as much as I've wanted to because I would have approached this whole thing in a different way... but it's not about what I would have done, it's about what's best for wiggy, and the consensus is very firmly in one place on that.

I'm still surprised the police are going to arrest her. I guess I'm thinking of all the stories I've read about stalkers and how the police are largely powerless to act.

duchy

I'm not so sure they will "arrest" her but I do think she will be taken for interview and warned.....but a lot depends on the wording of the letter she was sent - which obviously we haven't seen but the police will have or will be aware of the wording the law centre uses presumably.

I do think if you come from a normal family (sorry Wiggy ) and haven't had to deal with a relative who has for years wielded so much power over the entire family - to the point that their abnormal demands feel normal to the rest of the family then it is hard to get your head around. I had an aunt who was a bit like Wiggy's Mum- she could be lovely and very generous -but if she didn't get her own way she could turn and be vindictive past the point of reason and also felt completely entitled to do things that most rational people wouldn't do. As an example - her sister would complain that she was opening her mail (they shared a letter box - 2 flats in one house)-My Dad brushed it off as a one off even though she said it kept happening. I went to stay with my aunt after her husband died for what was supposed to be a few weeks so my Dad forwarded on my mail..... every darn one was opened. Needless to say I didn't stay as even after I spoke to her about it she continued to do it. She just felt the normal rules applied to everyone else...but not to her. She was an intelligent woman - well thought of at work (as Wiggy's Mum is she's recently been promoted) but her family saw a side of her that the rest of world didn't.
My first husband used to tell me how awful we were to exclude her ...until one day she showed him her true colours -and he rapidly backtracked.

paulineb_2

I think perhaps that some people will have an understanding of what it must be like to actually grow up with a mother or father who behaves like the OPs. The thing is, the OP and her sisters have grown up in an environment where they believe that this is normal, as this has been their reality, its what they are used to.

I actually think that all of this is just the tip of the iceberg and theres no reasoning with someone who behaves like her mum does. Shes manipulative, but the bottom line is, she tried to abduct the child. Thats where the line has to be drawn, for the childs safety and security.
No access to the son without supervision could happen and thats because of her actions, nothing to do with anything the OP has done. The grandmother has caused all of this, if she wasnt who she is, none of this would ever have got to the stage its at now. This is about power and control, the child is just being used, if he wasnt around, there would be something else, shes not happy that the OP has broken away and getting on with her own life. And if she does love the child, shes a funny way of showing it, treating both the mum and the dad like rubbish. She doesnt deserve the family she has the way she treats them.

Its a toxic environment for any child to be around, as someone else said, can you imagine the nonsense she'd be filling the childs head with if she did get access to the son?

markdebby

Lannie, I agree with you. In my opinion there is only one side of the story being told and everyone here has jumped on the band wagon and blown it out of all proportion and has scare the OP. I think people just love to stir things.
Flame me if you want. Iv worked in the Care Field for 40yrs.

missprice

LannieDuck wrote: »

lol, no. I'm a new(ish) mum whose DD is lucky enough to have two lovely sets of grandparents. I suspect that's the reason I'm finding this thread a bit outside my understanding. I haven't commented as much as I've wanted to because I would have approached this whole thing in a different way... but it's not about what I would have done, it's about what's best for wiggy, and the consensus is very firmly in one place on that.

I'm still surprised the police are going to arrest her. I guess I'm thinking of all the stories I've read about stalkers and how the police are largely powerless to act.

Do you have a different thought about wiglet and what's best? Asking as you seem to imply that seeing the grand mother and aunt would be better.
Arresting someone is far from charging someone. The police in this case probably hope that arresting grandmother and making sure she knows that the contact is unwanted means that if they have to go back to arrest her again she could well be charged and face court. Often times a few hours in a cell makes someone think again about what they are doing.
Wiggy has all through this asked for and received good advice, she is sticking to her guns, (as she should) and as a last thought, it seems to go unnoticed a lot, they
Cut THEMSELVES out of wiggys life, she did not throw them out. So wiggy is simply doing as they asked. If someone told me to go and they never wanted to see me or my kids again, that is what would happen. No second, third or more chances. You don't hurt my kids then come crawling back.

Oh and well done wiggy.

LannieDuck

duchy wrote: »

Is it sad things have got to this point- Yes of course it is. Has Wiggy's Mum really given her any other options or tried to compromise ? No - all she has done is bang on about how SHE wants to see the grandson she has a god given right to see. Remember how all this started ? She was demanding to take a two year old abroad without his mother for two weeks and threatening to break all ties if his mother (who was expressly excluded from the holiday) refused.

She really has brought all this on herself with her threats and entitlement issues.

How's she supposed to compromise if wiggy won't talk to her?

We're expecting her to guess that wiggy actually wants her to take an interest in wiggy as well as wiglet. That's obvious to us because we've got wiggy's input, but if she thinks wiggy's p1ssed, maybe she's trying to maintain a relationship with her grandson without annoying wiggy further? (Obviously we know that's only making things worse.) I'm sure lots of people will poo-pooh that and say she knows exactly what she's doing. Perhaps. But at present her options are:

* Respect wiggy's wishes... and lose contact with her grandson.
* Try and continue to see grandson whilst involving wiggy as little as possible in an attempt to annoy wiggy as little as possible.
* Guess the answer and start taking an interest in wiggy as well as grandson. (Incidentally, if a text came through asking how wiggy is and what she could do to help resolve the situation... would we still think that was harassment?)

I'm not sure she really has any good options there Yes, she bought it on herself, but we're expecting her to act rationally when we've already established she's pretty irrational.

I'm not intending to take her side in this, despite appearances to the contrary (!) (I think she's behaved terribly, and if she was my MIL we'd have had a blazing row long ago). But getting her arrested is rather a leap.

Incidentally, she claims that that conversation about going abroad happened differently. But we've had that discussion up thread already.

I think I'm going to bow out of this for now. Whilst I'd love to continue the conversation, I don't think it'll be helpful for wiggy.

Ballabriggs

markdebby wrote: »

Lannie, I agree with you. In my opinion there is only one side of the story being told and everyone here has jumped on the band wagon and blown it out of all proportion and has scare the OP. I think people just love to stir things.
Flame me if you want. Iv worked in the Care Field for 40yrs.

I'm not going to flame you mark but I think you are under estimating how intelligent and strong wiggy is. She's an educated and responsible lady, studying towards an undergraduate degree and taking very good care of her child on her own (as reinforced by the reports from the health visitor and GP). Wiggy has taken a balanced view on the advice given here, some she has taken on board, some she has not. She is perfectly capable of making her own mind up and taking appropriate action. I for one think that if wiggy felt it was necessary to call the police then it was the right action to take. If the police felt that it was all one sided and the mother was actually valid in her actions, I doubt very much they would be looking to arrest wiggy's mum. I think the stance they are taking speaks volumes in supporting how serious this situation actually is. They have seen the evidence , they have made a judgement call, that's good enough for me to vindicate wiggy's viewpoint.

thorsoak

Each and every one of us believes - until we discover otherwise - that the way that our parents raise us is the "norm". Children who grow up with raised voices around them shout - because it is the only way to be heard. Children who grow up in a violent household think that they have to be violent too - until they discover otherwise.

Insidious bullying and control is equally hard to shake off - and that is what Wiggywoo has experienced all her life until she broke free. That is why she needs our reassurance that what her mother does is not the right way for a grandmother to behave - that grandmothers do not have the rights that her mother demands.

meritaten

I think the police are the best judges of this situation. They have obviously seen evidence we have not . they also spoke to that woman after the previous incident - so they know her mindset. I can only surmise from what has happened that at the time they took the view that if she persists in harassing wiggy, then further action must be taken to prevent either a breach of the peace or even laws being broken.
They also have new anti-stalking and harassment laws - I don't know the scope of these but perhaps they are using those? and wiggy's parent HAS broken these laws.

Yes I did post that I was surprised - I had forgotten about the new laws!