Family cut themselves out of my son's life

duchy

To try and answer the question Why are they doing it .

Mum sees herself as the matriarch. She's the boss.... all the family her Mum, her kids and her grandkids are "hers".
She believes that Wiggy is a child raising a child which gives her the right to "take over" and indeed why shouldn't she - after all Wiggy's sister was fine with her doing it with Wiggy's nephew. Fathers ? Oh they aren't part of the plan so she'll see them off.

She is outraged that the daughter she regards as "difficult" is preventing her from seeing her Grandson- after all she's the Matriarch - the boss-it is her RIGHT so in her eyes she is perfectly justified in behaving in this way-and it is all Wiggy's fault for daring to thwart her. Surely Wiggy knows her Mother and her needs and wants are much more important than those of Wiggy and her son. She's doing Wiggy a favour in taking her son from her.

Utterly mad - but that is certainly how she views things-she is so convinced she is right she can't see how unbalanced and abnormal her behaviour is and no-one in the family is brave enough to tell her - assuming they can even see it after so many years of living with it and learning it is "normal".

wiggywoo9

Yes think I'll leave sister. They might not realise reasons why I'm stopping contact but I'm pretty sure they do and are just trying to change what happened in their mind. She knows what she's doing and has done. I'm not going to waste time and energy explaining as it'll always be ME at fault, even if they held me to knifepoint!

Sadly, my home is on 2nd floor with steep steps. My nan can barely manage small slopes and she only leaves the house for very important things, like Post Office to get pension or shopping (but is taken in car and uses scooter there). She hasn't got the patience for anything else so the taxi idea is great but just would not work. I'd doubt she'd be allowed to go alone anyway.

duchy

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

k. I'd doubt she'd be allowed to go alone anyway.

I think this says it all about how controlling your Mother is.
Your Nan is an adult-she also happens to OWN the house your Mother is currently living in as a lodger.

There should be no "allowed" just your Mum trying her best to make your Nan as happy and comfortable as possible.

Does your Nan not go to any social clubs or anything -sounds pretty dire stuck in the whole time.

Dimey

Its a shame about your Nan but I'm sure she'll understand and will want you to put yourself and Wiglet first.

Does your mother accompany her to the post office? If not then maybe one day you could arrange to meet her there just by yourself and explain to her how important it is that you build a decent life for yourself and Wiglet away from your mother's terrors.

If your mother is with your Nan all the time, there's nothing you can do for now. You could try writing a letter but I guess your mother might open that.

harrys_nan

My heart goes out to you, it shows what strength of character you have though that your managing to keep on top of this.
I think you need to keep away from your sister as well as your mum so yes, link them together. It is a big shame that things are stopping you from seeing your nan, are there any other family members that could arrange anything? Have you a nice/good aunt or uncle that could help even if it means sending nan a letter via them?

barbiedoll

Wiggy, do get your migraine meds sorted out. Go and see your GP and get a prescription with enough to see you through the holiday period. They're horrible and debilitating and you don't want to be feeling ill over Christmas, I know that you have plans for a special time with Wiglet.

While you're there, ask her again about the letter. Don't worry about the tenner, it may be the best money you ever spend. (I know that many of us on here would gladly put in a couple of quid to help you to pay but you obviously can't be giving out your address to strangers!) I know that money is tight for you but Wiglet won't need loads of presents, he'll be happy with a cardboard box and the wrapping paper, just ask anyone who has ever had a toddler at Christmas!

I like RAS's letter, and please don't respond to your sister's text. I know it's hard, cutting her out of your life, but she really can't be trusted to know her own mind whilst she is living with your mother.

I agree with maybe writing to your Nan. You don't have to explain anything or make any excuses, you can just wish her a happy Christmas and say that you hope she is well and that you and Wiglet are thinking of her. Could you get an envelope typed out so that the letter looks more "official"? Or get one of your college buddies to write it, at least your mother won't recognise your handwriting.

Do contact Women's Aid and do think seriously about the injunction. It's a legal tool which is designed to protect you, and especially Wiglet. Your mother would think twice about her pathetic, hand-wringing texts if she knew that she would be arrested if she sent them. If you include your sister, your mother can't use her as a go-between. I can't believe that they are still asking if they can take Wiglet out alone, do they really not understand why you are having to keep them away?

Get better soon and keep your chin up, you're coping fantastically well. It will soon be Christmas and you and Wiglet are going to have a lovely day. Just ignore any texts and/or phone calls, think of them as evidence, nothing more.

wiggywoo9

Thanks again. Unfortunately my nan doesn't go anywhere other than the post office (which is literally right across the road, about a few metres away) or shopping with my mum. My mum's workplace is opposite PO and she can see both house, bus stop and PO from the counter. It'd be a stealth mission if anything!

jellyhead

LannieDuck wrote: »

They ought to know what they've done, but I suspect a certain lack of self-awareness in Wiggy's mother. I can easily imagine that she's having a bit of a martyr moment at present - "why is Wiggy doing this to me, it's completely irrational, wiglet's going to be missing us so much" etc

Yes, but if Wiggy is going to tell them the reasons it would be less upsetting to do so in a letter rather than in person.

Wiggy could you phone your nan while your mum is at work? Does your mum work certain hours each week?

Perhaps you could arrange to meet somewhere where there aren't steps, but without Wiglet so he isn't upset by any confrontation that might occur if your mum arrives.

Your sister's situation is sad - for her, her boyfriend and for her child. She hasn't figured that out yet, but perhaps in time she will once she realises that you've actually got out and 'got away with it'. It's a different situation but 7 months after our teenage 'lodger' escaped his father, his sister arrived. It has taken her that long to to get her head around the situation and realise that her home life wasn't good for her. She wasn't allowed any contact with her brother but one day she just appeared and then never went back.

Her father and stepmum live in a fantasy world where the teenager who ran away is the 'bad' one and they have never done anything wrong. Now of course the girl is also 'out of control' and 'bad' and it hasn't occurred to them that there might be something wrong at home.

Anyway, that's by the by, I just thought I would mention it as it may take a while before your sister wakes up to the situation.

Good luck, you are doing brilliantly

GobbledyGook

Wiggy has your sister asked about you once?

Has she asked you to meet up for coffee? Has she asked if there's anything she can do to help the situation?

No. Like your mother she is only focussed on Wiglet.


You've sent your Nan a present, they've seen that you still clearly care about your Nan and are now trying to use that as a way in - note that your sister didn't suggest that you and Wiglet visit when your Mum was at work, just Wiglet. Wiglet who probably couldn't tell you if your mother was there or not...

It's a simple question of safety imo. Would Wiglet be entirely safe from your mother in the care of your sister at a house opposite your mother's work?

Your sister has shown nothing to suggest she is free of your mother's influence, or will be in the near future. All she's showing is that she's willing to help find the weak link.

If I were you I'd speak to your legal people again. Silence isn't making them realise you were serious so you need to find out your options.

If your HA can't/won't change the door locks have you asked to be put on the transfer list? Obviously you are not able to escape the harassment whilst the people harassing you can access your building. Emphasise to them that this is a domestic abuse issue - DI is not purely between a husband and wife. This is someone threatening your child and they need to tell you the cost of replacing that lock urgently so that you can take whatever steps you need to to safeguard the welfare of your child.

paulineb_2

Id say dont leave your home because of them, that should be a last resort, get someone legal to ask for the key back.