Family cut themselves out of my son's life

PuzzledDave

RIP Pig, it sounds like you will be fondly remembered.

Regarding the ex, I would suggest meeting up for just a hour (not long enough to run out of conversation hopefully, not too short to make it not worthwhile), on a sat/sun in a public park so wiglet can run about when he/she gets bored (and of course father can enjoy playing/running about after him/her) and of course free !

Should be a great way to test the water for all concerned.

Dimey

Sorry to hear about Pig. He's obviously been through the tough times with you Wiggy, so you'll miss him.

Life continues to change for you. You could meet your ex with Wiglet at the indoor play area you visited recently. That would be neutral and give Wiglet things to do while you both talk and keep an eye on him.

You could send your ex a picture of Wiglet to be going on with and explain he's sick with croup at the moment so arrange it for a couple of weeks time. Explain you'll meet all three of you together to discuss how access can pan out over time.

Manage his expectations so he doesn't think he can take Wiglet on his own straight away. That you both need to reassure each other that you can trust each other's good intentions and you need to see he is capable of looking after Wiglet and protecting him. If you feel it may be many months before you are confident to let him take Wiglet alone, then say so but reassure that you want that to happen at some point.

Make sure you tell the ex about the harassment and threats to abduct Wiglet by your family and that you are handling it with legal advice. So its imperative he does not leak any information or contact details back to your family, not allow any of your family to accompany him to the meeting point. And then later of course never to take Wiglet to your family or put him in a position where he can be grabbed.

You said you are concerned about your ex's lifestyle. You can't say much as that's his business. Tell him you'd like to be reassured that he'll keep his clubbing/drinking life away from Wiglet and ask if he thinks he can turn into good sensible fun Dad mode when with his son.

Tell your ex how you've changed over the past year and what your & Wiglet's life is like now, so he can be reassured what a wonderful Mother you are and how secure Wiglet is to have you.

paulineb_2

Dimey wrote: »

Sorry to hear about Pig. He's obviously been through the tough times with you Wiggy, so you'll miss him.

Life continues to change for you. You could meet your ex with Wiglet at the indoor play area you visited recently. That would be neutral and give Wiglet things to do while you both talk and keep an eye on him.

You could send your ex a picture of Wiglet to be going on with and explain he's sick with croup at the moment so arrange it for a couple of weeks time. Explain you'll meet all three of you together to discuss how access can pan out over time.

Manage his expectations so he doesn't think he can take Wiglet on his own straight away. That you both need to reassure each other that you can trust each other's good intentions and you need to see he is capable of looking after Wiglet and protecting him. If you feel it may be many months before you are confident to let him take Wiglet alone, then say so but reassure that you want that to happen at some point.

Make sure you tell the ex about the harassment and threats to abduct Wiglet by your family and that you are handling it with legal advice. So its imperative he does not leak any information or contact details back to your family, not allow any of your family to accompany him to the meeting point. And then later of course never to take Wiglet to your family or put him in a position where he can be grabbed.

You said you are concerned about your ex's lifestyle. You can't say much as that's his business. Tell him you'd like to be reassured that he'll keep his clubbing/drinking life away from Wiglet and ask if he thinks he can turn into good sensible fun Dad mode when with his son.

Tell your ex how you've changed over the past year and what your & Wiglet's life is like now, so he can be reassured what a wonderful Mother you are and how secure Wiglet is to have you.

All good points, but the dad has had some insight into what the mother is like in previous times Im sure.

Hes his dad and its obviously up to the mum how confident she feels about him being allowed access, but just because hes 21 and he goes out clubbing doesnt mean necessarily he would need to wait months to have the child overnight. Or even alone.

I do think the OP's mum is obviously an issue, but if there is still a risk of abduction, I dont think that it really should be the dads place to have to deal with her and her issues, if theres a real risk of the child being abducted, surely steps need to be put in place so that the mum cannot go within a certain number of metres of the child, as well as the mum. Its unfair for anyone involved to have to live in a state of high alert just incase someone unstable tries to snatch the child.

paulineb_2

RAS wrote: »

Can you suggest something for the weekend after next (explaining that wiglet has croup at the moment)?

Is there a shopping centre with a play area somewhere close by?

Have you let wiglet see a photo of his dad? So he understands a bit about what is going on?

Im not sure how Id deal with that to be honest, putting a photo in front of a two year old and saying thats your dad, how many two year olds who dont have contact with their father would be able to grasp whats going on?

I dont have any comprehension of whether his dad is spoken about at home at the moment, but I would assume that the child probably wont remember his dad, given that they split up very early on in the pregnancy.

wiggywoo9

Thanks, by the way, Pig was a girl. Just got my lovely dog now, hope he lives another thirty years, he's a good boy!

Wiglet met his dad twice over his first year, when thing were still rough with ex and he didn't want to know cos things were still raw. He wasn't at birth and provided nothing. Early in March this year, we tried contact again, had four visits where they played, etc., til mum downright refused to come near us unless he was out the picture again. So he does know what he looks like, hopefully it'll go okay. It's happening next weekend, as I explained illness. He's never changed a nappy, fed him or anything. He doesn't know how much he weighed at birth or his interests. It's tough for me as I can't imagine knowing Wiglet is alive out there but not thinking about it every minute, not loving him. I feel lucky I know him so well and we've got such a strong bond.

Dimey

paulineb wrote: »

>>>>
I do think the OP's mum is obviously an issue, but if there is still a risk of abduction, I dont think that it really should be the dads place to have to deal with her and her issues, if theres a real risk of the child being abducted, surely steps need to be put in place so that the mum cannot go within a certain number of metres of the child, as well as the mum. Its unfair for anyone involved to have to live in a state of high alert just incase someone unstable tries to snatch the child.

Yes, This is why I think Wiggy should pursue an injunction or restraining order via the police. It would help calm things down and over time let Wiggy relax her guard a little.

Unfortunately Mum is still a little too active at the moment isn't she, so everyone involved with Wiggy needs to be alert.

RAS

paulineb wrote: »

I do think the OP's mum is obviously an issue, but if there is still a risk of abduction, I dont think that it really should be the dads place to have to deal with her and her issues, if theres a real risk of the child being abducted, surely steps need to be put in place so that the mum cannot go within a certain number of metres of the child, as well as the mum. Its unfair for anyone involved to have to live in a state of high alert just incase someone unstable tries to snatch the child.

If I remember rightly when wiggy was first thrown out two years ago she lived with ex, "just round the corner from mum's".

If so, any time ex takes wiglet to his house, mum and sister could be an issue. Which means ex needs to understand the situation.

paulineb_2

RAS wrote: »

If I remember rightly when wiggy was first thrown out two years ago she lived with ex, "just round the corner from mum's".

If so, any time ex takes wiglet to his house, mum and sister could be an issue. Which means ex needs to understand the situation.

Yes and thats why I said some kind of order to keep the mum away from the son in light of the fact that shes previously tried to abduct him might be appropriate in the circumstances. In fact I think its more than appropriate, I think its necessary, for all their sakes, the mum, the ex partner and the son. You want to be able to parent your child in peace and quiet without interference at the very least level and without any kind of drama/incidents at the highest level.

Im sure the ex does have a good understanding of what the mother is like, given that she was the reason contact was cut the last time.
And I assume while the OP and the ex were dating, he might have had some insight into what the mum can be like.

I do think no matter whats happened in the past, if ongoing contact is going to work, some legal steps to keep the mother away from the child is the way to go. I do appreciate that the ex should know not to take the child round there, but for the exes peace of mind as well while he has his son, if the mother isnt allowed to go near, as I said previously, its better than being in a state of anxiety that he might be taken by the mother.

RAS

Agreed; maybe if the two of them get together and apply jointly it would help???

duchy

Wiggy does your ex still live at home ?

I think start access slow with play-dates with you along -see how it goes-and let the time naturally evolve. After a couple of times if things so well -you might leave them for a short time whilst you go off and have a coffee or a bit of shopping. Maybe in a little while you'll be comfortable enough that he can spend time with Wiglet in your home....you won't know til you start meeting up. Odds are he won't feel ready for a whole day or an overnight just yet unless he has great back up with a girlfriend with kid experience or a supportive Mum in residence.

Just take it day at a time - no expectation and keep talking and see how it goes. It sounds like he would have stayed involved if your Mother hadn't stuck her nose in anyway...... and most blokes find toddlers far easier to interact with than babies anyway. Be honest with him about your Mum ......and maybe even apologize that you stopped access but explain you were scared of her making you homeless (or just plain scared of her) or too influenced by her ...whatever you feel is honest and appropriate.
Hopefully you two will build bridges enough that he can be a good and positive influence in Wiglet's life for the next sixteen years and beyond. The fact he replied so quickly is a really good sign.