Family cut themselves out of my son's life

BitterAndTwisted

What I suggest you do at the doctor's surgery is tell him/her that you are under immense stress at the moment mainly due to your mother's behaviour. Behaviour which is frightening you because you feel it is unreasonable and threatening.


Then, go home and WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN as if it were a diary. Once you've got it all in context you can take it with you when you visit the police station. You don't have to make an appointment to walk in and speak to the duty officer but you might have to make one to see their DV team.

To be honest, I think I'd have a full-disclosure meeting with your HV before you go on to speak to the police so that your concerns can be documented should your mother choose to step up with her antics.

Your previous post spoke volumes about how the stress of it all is affecting you. The sense of helplessness and negativity appears to be a symptom of having to endure your mother's controlling behaviour. Anyone in a similar position who had experienced what you have in the past would probably have felt the same. But none of that proves you are a bad parent and cannot cope with normal, independent family life. You can. You do. You shall continue to do so.

You have IMMENSE internal resources to fight for what you want and need for yourself and your child because you have confirmed this by your strength and resolve so far. I have no doubt of this whatsoever. You absolutely need to believe this yourself.

paulineb_2

You know what your mum is capable of. I absolutely agree that any contact should happen at a contact centre, supervised.

And Ive had to go to police stations to ask for advice on more than one occasion, was perfectly fine.

Mojisola

paulineb wrote: »

You know what your mum is capable of. I absolutely agree that any contact should happen at a contact centre, supervised.

If you are able to get supervised contact at a centre, it also means that you won't have to meet up with your mother.

If you were taking him to her house, just imagine what it would be like every time you dropped your son off and collected him - coming face-to-face with her and coping with her comments. You'd spend the whole week dreading it!

HPoirot

Mojisola wrote: »

Just how realistic is that? If you leave your little one with her, who knows what poison she'll start pouring into his head?

I wouldn't agree to anything more than supervised contact in a centre. I don't think she'd be able to able to keep playing nice and that she'll show her true colours to the staff there.

If it ever comes to legal proceedings, Wiggy shouldn't be offering this outright; who knows, the mother might decide to up the ante. I would start with no contact at all on the grounds that she has a domineering and cruel attitude and would only serve to confuse Wiggy's son. Plus, she has a history of threatening to take him abroad for a holiday without his mother's permission.

jcy

I very rarely post on here but after reading this thread I'm shocked at how your mother has treated you and think you must be a very strong person to have got to where you are now.

With regard to your migraines you also have my sympathy as I also suffer from them - do you take any regular preventative medicine that you take, if not then I would ask your dr about this as it can help (although doesn't stop all mine but I have fewer attacks), I've also had different ones over the years so if you already take something you could try changing to see if this would help. It is likely that it is the stress caused by your mother that it making them worse though as this is a strong trigger, I would explain to your dr what has been happening - this would mean that it is documented that it is having a detrimental effect on your health which could be helpful if you do go down the injunction\harrassment route. Also your dr may be able to refer you for some counselling if you think that talking to someone might help you deal with everything that you have and are going through.

Although I realise it probably isn't your top priority at the moment I would also recommend trying to meet other parents in your local area and building up a support network so that you have people around you to talk to, let off steam, someone to call on in an emergency. I had my first baby at the start of the year not knowing many parents locally went to lots of groups at my local childrens centre and organised by the NCT and have made many good friends through them.

I wished you lived in my area so I could be of practical help xxx

Tiffany_Aching

Wiggy.

Keep calm - your mum is a bully and is furious that she is no longer in control of you. She is still managing to make you worry and you are now suffering migranes. Honey you have to get control over your stress, it is what she has used in the past to control you and she is doing it now from a distance. Go and see your GP and talk to him.

Your mum has no chance of taking your child away. Really. Talk to your Health Visitor, let her know what is happening. She has said that she is happy with you and this means that she is on your side. Talk to her.

Print off all your threads concerning your mother - you have a fantastic diary on here of her threats and actions.

Don't give in now, hun, no matter how much stress this woman dishes out to you. Things will be fine, but you will need to be strong.

RAS

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Yes I suppose so, but I think her motive is now to get regular contact, she's dropped the holiday thing from all her texts. I would not mind the contact as long as there is no nastiness to come with it, she is not permitted to take him anywhere other than the house they are in and she doesn't start on me again. I'm not putting up with the put-downs, disrespect and attitude to me though. It should be clear to any legal person that that is not how things work.

wiggywoo

Your mother is a bully and by the sounds of things you are the family scapegoat; always being told that you are crap and that you are doing it crap?

Not sure if the sun shines out of your sister's rear but obviously she is not treated like you are.

If your mother has repeated contact with your son, he will be permanently exposed to your mother's bad mouthing of you and your actions. She will repeatedly overturn, ignore and over-rule your parenting, encourage him to do what you have asked him not to do and stop him doing what you have asked him to do, if only to damage you.

Consequently you face dealing with a infant school age son who is happy to abuse you, play you off against your mother, ignore your instructions and refuse to accept you as his parent.

And mum will get great pleasure from wrecking you, your life and your relationship with your son.

So stop contact.

jjj1980

First off, I'm sorry if anyone feels I'm hijacking but just hoping setting out what happened to me might help Wiggy.

Even before my daughter was born, I had to contact solicitors about the way my now-ex inlaws were talking about taking her whenever they wanted. After both me and her nearly losing our lives to Pre-Eclampsia and HELLP syndrome, they started accusing me of trying to kill her to prevent them having any contact, accused me of being mentally ill etc. a quick call to solicitors who then called them calmed them down for a while. Then the threats started that they would take custody of her, disappear with her if I ever allowed them contact without me present. After a quick phone all to a solicitor again, contact with them was stopped completely. Their own solicitor told them they stood no chance of fighting it.

When my now ex husband started being abusive, I went straight to the police. They issued a written harassment warning that day and told him that he was not allowed to have any direct contact with me, to leave me in peace otherwise he would be arrested. Same thing, nothing threatening was ever written but he was sending nearly 60 texts a day and calling every few minutes just to have a go at me. Although he did make a report to SS saying that my daughter was abused, malnourished and neglected which led to them visiting, within minutes of arriving they said it was obviously a malicious report and he was warned not to continue. I later found out him and hi family had repeated the mental illness accusations, which owing to the fact I had suffered from PTSD due to the traumatic delivery etc, did have me worried. However, the SS ladies said that they were only interested in whether the current situation was ok. Just as yours is now Wiggy!

My daughters father is allowed 1 hour per week contact, supervised by me, if he turns up at all. His family are permanently blocked from both direct and indirect contact as it the authorities are used to dealing with people like that and can see through all the lies. I know it's hard while you are going through it as it took 2 years for things to fully settle down for me but only because I had all the divorce and police stuff to deal with because of my ex's abusive behaviour. His family think I'm no better than dog dirt but I couldn't care less now.

Wiggy, the DV unit at police and Women's Aid were a fantastic support o me and helped coordinate meetings with a specialist solicitor within an hour and arranged for my health visitor to be there. I had my daughter with me the whole time and everyone was wonderful. I remember sitting in the police station reception in floods of tears as my phone was going off constantly and i couldn't read or delete anything a the memory was too full but my ex was just constantly texting. My daughter was not even 1 at the time and was in her pram at the side of me. The receptionist took me into a side room and allowed a lovely lady that was also waiting to be seen to sit with me.

Please don't be scared of seeking help Wiggy, it doesn't mean yo are failing in anyway, just that you need another pair of shoulders to take on some of the burden.

RAS

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

With regards to my ex, I want to do it, I'm just very aware of how many times we've been over this bridge and I think he'll react badly to me wanting him in my son's life, after trying twice before, where it was abruptly ended due to pressure and strain from my mum, not to mention kicking up all the dust about his betrayal, leaving me pregnant etc. I think he'll expect it to end the same and block him again. I don't know how to word a letter that avoids me blaming everything on my mum, because it WAS me who stopped it, but her jabs, etc., if that makes sense?

Starting point here is that the reason you stopped access is because of you mother, is it not? You may have said the words but she was manipulating you?

Dear ex

Appreciate that you may not want to contact me or son given what has happened in the past couple of years.

I found it hard to support your contact with son because it was difficult dealing with your decision to split up when I was pregnant and whenever I saw you my mother used to remind me about it.

As you are aware the situation with my father was very difficult (say why).

We moved out of mother's house at the beginning of the year and I am living with son in a little maisonette in (where you are).

Son is a lovely healthy little chap meeting all his milestones. I think longer term it would be beneficial if he had contact with you so he knows where he comes from. It would also be nice if he knew your parents (assuming that is the case???).

Somethig like that?

MothballsWallet

Wiggy, I can't add anything else except if your mum turns up at your door and starts anything, call 999 and ask for the police.