Family cut themselves out of my son's life

thorsoak

Wiggy-woo - just a thought - what about your son's father's family - even if you're not together with him anymore, would his family like to get to know their grandson? Or would you prefer no contact with them/him?

HPoirot

You can put all this behind you now Wiggy; if you cut her out of your lives and stay strong, the sky's your limit.

I do wonder now if she hasn't had a hand in your father's illness too, it must be utter hell to live with someone like your mum who breaks your spirit day in day out.

wiggywoo9

I got back late yesterday after a lovely day out with my boy and found an envelope waiting on the mat, in strict-looking type. My first thoughts were that it was from some legal person, and things had progressed to the next level.
I opened it- it was one of those travel brochures I requested ages ago. It gave me such a shock! Don't know what I'd have done if it was something serious! The last text I got from her was on the 5th Nov, my last one sent to her was on 4th, and on Tue it'll be three weeks since they saw my tot. Keep having dreams about her taking him in some form or another though!

jellyhead

You've changed the locks and told the CM that nobody else is allowed to take him. I know dreams aren't rational though xx

Dimey

You will have a heightened sense of awareness, under the circumstances. That's a good thing in a way as you need to be alert and wary to protect your son and yourself.

In time when maybe you've moved to a new area or in a few years when you can be reasonably sure your Mum and the family will no longer attempt kidnap and no longer attempt to control your mind, then you'll be able to rest your guard.

If you ever get re-housed then don't pass on your new address and ask the authorities not to tell your family. Then you'll be able to rest easier.

duchy

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

I got back late yesterday after a lovely day out with my boy and found an envelope waiting on the mat, in strict-looking type. My first thoughts were that it was from some legal person, and things had progressed to the next level.
I opened it- it was one of those travel brochures I requested ages ago. It gave me such a shock! Don't know what I'd have done if it was something serious! The last text I got from her was on the 5th Nov, my last one sent to her was on 4th, and on Tue it'll be three weeks since they saw my tot. Keep having dreams about her taking him in some form or another though!

Yes you do - you'd ask us or CAB !

How many times do we have to tell you-She has no legal rights, Yes you had PND-so what |? The courts don't care. All they are interested in is if you are a good and healthy Mum NOW ...... and if your son is safe and well-which he is. She can try -but any decent solicitor will tell her to save her money as she hasn't got a case nd can't win.

I think when you're in a relationship that is controling to the point of abusive (relationship can be mother and daughter just as much as a couple relationship) it's only when you take a step away that you realize just how abnormal the other person's efforts to control are. You've taken that step away .....and yes she will probably attempt to regain her control over you at some point ....using whatever she thinks she can...like your nephew, Nan or by claiming she is worried for your son. However unlike when you had PND you this time know what she is up to and won't be thinking " She must be right and I must be wrong" This time you're more likely to be thinking "The Bloody nerve of the woman -why can't she have a life of her own instead of trying to muscle in on mine"

Stand strong Wiggy - less than a year ago you were "trapped" in her home and then homeless at her whim .....you now have your degree, your own place and a future.....if you could fast forward to this time next year you'd see how much further you will have travelled again....and how even less important your Mum's approval and agreement will have become.

GobbledyGook

As was mentioned before similar happened to me, although my MIL had a complete breakdown and was arrested not so long ago for a disturbance at the school my daughters attend. I hope it never gets to that point.

My tips (sorry they're rushed I'm on my phone) keep a diary so if you can remember comments made that were not on text wrote them down. Use the diary only for contact between you and your family.

Save all texts, even innocuous ones.

Make sure you have someone nominated with your nursery and childminder who will pick up your child in case of emergency. My MIL almost convinced the school that I'd been in an accident with their Dad & our son (using a radio report of an actual bad accident). They contacted the person who I'd said would be the emergency contact.

Start thinking now, and write down, the reasons why your son does not benefit from contact with them. If it ever gets as far as court then all the people talking about your rights vs her rights have missed what the courts care about - the child's rights. So for me that was things like a dangerous disregard for my daughters epilepsy, an unsafe atmosphere where the children were allowed to cross roads etc beyond their age abilities, negative emotions all the time with the things said about me, their father and them, use of harsh smacking, endangering them by encouraging them to keep secrets if told to do so by someone they trust... All these things because ultimately it's about the child and not the adults.

Most of all don't let your guard down. Remind nursery and childminder regularly. Keep yourself right (I still keep the diary now and keep accident reports from school/nursery in it for the next time social services are called) and plan ahead. What will you do if you meet them whilst out? What will you do if they want to send Christmas gifts?

Stay informed. Read about what happens if they resort to further harassment, learn about the processes if they go to a lawyer etc. forewarned is forearmed.

If you stay one step ahead then what she does won't swipe your feet from under you so much.

Mostly though be kind to yourself. It's a horrible moment when you realise you are not important to someone that is supposed to love you.

meritaten

yes wiggy - if you re-read your earlier threads you will see (and be amazed) at how far you have come!
I keep saying this, and I don't care HOW many times I have to repeat it! I admire you tremendously - I am considered a 'strong' person - but I think your mum could have 'broken' me! she hasn't broken you - and guess what? she never will! in you she has more than met her match! I have every confidence that in a few years time you will have a lovely home, a bright confident son and a good life! I don't see your mum as part of it though unless SHE changes her ways! which is always possible now she realises she cant dominate you.

wiggywoo9

Thanks again, still no contact. I wanted to maybe get a letter or some form of contact out to my sister, as her phone is still unresponsive/broken. I don't really want my mum to see it though or to be used against me if she did. I just want to say I'm here if she needs help, maybe explain why, and urge her to be independent as soon as she can?

Last time I was made homeless (some three and half years ago due to me wanting to continue a relationship with my first boyfriend, now my ex and son's dad), my mum really pushed the point that I'd abandoned them and it took ages to get past it, not even sure we still have, and I'd only moved around the corner to the ex's house.

thorsoak

It would seem at the moment, that your sister is your mother's "creature". Wait until you get some contact from her. If your mother controls her in the same way as she controlled you, it may be some time before she realises that - but eventually, she will break free - then she will need your support.