Family cut themselves out of my son's life

wiggywoo9

How could she possibly use them? I thought it was a nice thing to do for my nan to see how wiglet is getting on and growing up, when she sends a card she always says thank you for the calendar and says she looks forward to it.


My number hasn't changed so they would still know it- maybe I could put it down in a Christmas card discreetly. I've done that before in birthday cards though. From the nasty way the elder sister messaged me a while back- saying I was sick and twisted etc- I think she has adopted my mother's views.


I just feel hopeless- how can I change the way they see me if they put up a wall?


And RE visiting my nan- I've got a job so will be working full time now whilst wiglet is at school.

dragonette

I think people are concerned about your mother asking others to spy on Wiglet, or using them to identify him at nursery etc. My concern is more that it would be upsetting to your Nan to see pictures when she cannot keep in touch with you, but you know her and her reactions so I'm sure that isn't the case

It really needs to be what is best for you - flowers for your Nan and a card for your nephew(s) seems a good compromise to me. It may be easier in the long term to write your sisters off, as long as you remain open to the idea of them breaking free, then there is no harm in reducing the pain to you in the meantime.

You and Wiglet are doing fanatically well. I think you should be very proud of yourself - not many people manage to break the cycle of abuse and control and you've done it Wiglet is very very lucky in you x

Person_one

You all don't want a situation where your mum is putting pictures of your son on Facebook etc.

jackyann

Please don't feel hopeless Wiggy. As long as you remain open to the idea of them getting in touch, you have done all you can. Remind yourself of this as often as you need to.
Well done on the job!

AndyBSG

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Think I'll just carry on being as helpful and kind as I can, but not relying on anyone for it back, it never happens!!

Just read this whole thread and thought I would make a couple of comments.

First one is regarding the errant father and his 'Now you see me, now you don't' approach to parenting.

It's a VERY tough situation because if you block access you are the bad guy even though his cavalier attitude is the cause.

Not sure if it's still around but when I was in a custody dispute my parents attended 'family mediation'. A list of conditions was drawn up such as my mother will have 3 hours weekday access a week and one full day access once a month with the day of the week/month set out in the agreement. If there was a cancellation at least 24 hours formal notice was required, etc, etc.

It was basically a contract which HAD to be adhered to as it wasn't fair on me to not know from one week to the next if mum was going to turn up, etc and was designed to get a resolution in place without having to go to court.

When I was older and my mum tried to get in touch again blaming my dad for barring her from my life she did poison my mind a little bit so my dad got all the paperwork out from this mediation and showed me how SHE had broken all the conditions

I know you sound like you've given him chances and he's blown them but going down this route, even though it may mean giving him another ill deserved chance, will at least then show that you are not responsible when he breaks the rules again.

Regarding the bit of your post i've quoted, this is EXACTLY the attitude to have. My wife often moans at me when I do something for a friend and she says 'Why bother, he wouldn't do it for you?' and my reply is always the same... I'm not responsible for what he does but I am responsible for what I do and the type of person I want to be. He may want to be selfish and unreliable but that doesn't mean I have to be the same in return as that is a bad habit I don't want to pick up.

As for the rest, making friends is harder to do the older you get. I lost contact with all my old school friends when I moved to a new area for work and making the jump from acquaintance to friend is hard because most people already have their groups of friends and they're generally quite well defined closed circles. Once you start your new job or have been there a while you may find that is a good place to make friends

All I can advise is just keep plugging away.

All in all, you just really need to be firm in your convictions and stop doubting yourself.

You're a single parent who is raising a child on low income with no support so you must be doing something right. Even if you are 'wrong' to sever contact with your family(reading through, you really aren't wrong though!) it's completely irrelevant because the wrong or right of it is not what matters, it's what is best for your child that counts and what you are doing is best for your child

thorsoak

In your shoes, I think I wouldn't bother sending a present to the older of your two sisters - send a present "to nephew from his cousin wiglet", send a card and maybe a £10 gift card/itunes voucher to your younger sister with a message "hope you are ok I've still got the same phone no if you wish to make contact", and send nan some flowers and a card. As others have said, your mother might use a photo of you and wiglet to put on f/book or to identify him at nursery/school.

Our local paper has a special "send christmas greetings" page in the classifieds - and you could post a picture drawn by wiglet to nan there .....

Don't push with your sisters - you never know when they'll suddenly realise what a control freak your mother is, and then they'll be asking for your help. Let them come to you xxxxxx

RuthnJasper

I think I'd just stick to cards - at most. With flowers plus card and photo/drawing to Nan. I probably wouldn't put my 'phone number though; too much has gone on to take that chance IMO.

It's always lovely to read updates from you Wiggy, to know that you and Wiglet are still thriving. I think you're fabulous. x

duchy

Great news that you've got a full time job Wiggy.
Are you still planning to qualify as a teacher when Wiglet is a bit older ?

I think I'd pull back with big presents and just send cards to your sisters, flowers for your Nan (delivered in the daytime when your Mum is at work) and token gifts for the kids.
I'm not sure I'd even bother with the cards for your sisters as my thought would be if they aren't a part of the solution then they are a part of the problem but that doesn't allow for their fear of your Mum turning on them stopping them from behaving like decent sisters.

It'd be nice to see posts from you when things are going well and not just when you are worried about stuff though Wiggy. Even just short ones now and again just so we know you are ok.

wiggywoo9

I DID IT!!


I had a day off work today so went up to my nan's whilst wiglet was at school. I was so nervous and worried I nearly just ran away. But I got there, and I saw my lovely nan!! I chatted to her for at least an hour and gave her her flowers. It was lovely to see her. I think she really liked seeing me


No mother came over. I did see the eldest sister briefly, said hello- she blanked me, collected her child from downstairs sharply and disappeared. I thought I heard the other sister listening in briefly from the hall but didn't see her face. Both sisters were in dressing gowns, not up yet at 10am, sisters' child was alone in conservatory unsupervised. They didn't answer the door for my arthritis-suffering nan or help put the dogs away to let her do so, or help when a large parcel arrived. To be honest, I'm happy at where I am personally now. At least I have my own home, own job, look after my own child, help others and actually get up in the morning. I just have to roll my eyes at how my sisters act- not only to me but my nan- but still living at home? With a 3 year old? Yet can afford a car and has a boyfriend (the dad who lives at his home)? It just shows where she's got that attitude and how little she's changed. Not even enough to be mature in handling me showing up.


It was great to have that confidence and courage though

Mojisola

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

I DID IT!!

I had a day off work today so went up to my nan's whilst wiglet was at school. I was so nervous and worried I nearly just ran away. But I got there, and I saw my lovely nan!! I chatted to her for at least an hour and gave her her flowers. It was lovely to see her. I think she really liked seeing me

To be honest, I'm happy at where I am personally now. At least I have my own home, own job, look after my own child, help others and actually get up in the morning.

It was great to have that confidence and courage though

You are an absolute STAR!!! :T:T:T

Well done - onwards and upwards.