Family cut themselves out of my son's life

wiggywoo9

Argh why do I bother looking! Just checking something in my messages and came across the old messages from my sister. So venomous. It now comes up with something that means she has blocked me.

I often stay up in the small hours and wonder what they think of me, do they ever think about me, will I ever see them again? I miss my nan so much, I just want to see her once more. I was thinking, as my son will be in school soon, that I could go to the house and try to see her. But more than likely my mum will see from her shop over the road and come over, or sisters won't let me in, or someone else will be there, or they'll be out... I don't know if I have the courage.

I even had the word 'reconcile' going around my head- but is that even possible?

I seem to be the horrible one, going from old messages. I was definately slightly unhinged as a teen, giving my sister a list of stuff I wanted when I 'moved in' with wiglet's dad way back when, then stating I was taking the dog too, after an argument with mum. That was just stupid. Then telling friends not long after that we were trying for a baby 'btw'. And sending my ex several messages asking why, asking to get back together, to be part of wiglet's life. Was I really nuts? Was or AM I 'sick and twisted' like my sister said?

elsien

Neither nuts nor sick and twisted.
Sounds more like a typical teen - a bit self centred and speaking first, thinking after. I was pretty horrible to my family at times - it kind of goes with the territory of growing up sometimes.
Delete them and move on, you're a different person now.

mellymoo74

Wiggy have you seen your gp about the low mood or are you worried that the will think your relapsing?

Your not the same person, delete the message so you can't keep reading it and upsetting g yourself give your beautiful boy a cuddle and wigdog a love.

Your blessed with strength and a beautiful son.x

thorsoak

Wiggy woo, darling - going over those old messages just shows how much you have grown up - now those old messages have served their purpose - just DELETE the whole b****y lot of them!

You have done so well, you have grown up on your own - without the support of a loving mother and you are doing the same for wiglet. It's such a pity that your family are still so hell-bent on kicking you down - just block them all, delete the messages - and follow up mellymoo's suggestion of talking to your doctor xxxxx

Corelli

Hi Wiggy,

most people are not happy to think of how self centred they were as teens, it's normal. Do not worry about what you were saying then, it bears no relationship to how you have moved on, how you have finished your training, how you have nurtured Wiglet- nearly at school!!!!- and reared him to be the person he is now.

It must be so sad tough, to have no contact with your beloved Gran. If there were a way to see her via an intermediary that would be wonderful. I'm wondering if there is any independent organisation that might help. I don't know of one, but it feels like there should be something to help family members keep in touch despite difficulties with the rest of the family.

which also made me wonder about help for you. You've come such a long way, all on your own. It seems like most of the time you've had no other adult support. Maybe college lecturer? Or the student support? Maybe going into counselling would help you, particularly when you have doubts and worries like this.

DKLS

duchy wrote: »

I wouldn't expect to be picking up for someone I was doing a favour for (and I'm not even a bloke )
As for the card- he's a bloke - blokes don't do cards for friends - that's a thing girls do- Blokes only buy cards for girlfriends and their Mums (and most people only guy cards for family and partners and send facebook messages to everyone else nowadays anyway - No wonder the Royal Mail is dying .....

This + 1. You have hit the nail on the head, I am programmed to buy cards for my Wife and my Mum after all its the LAW, anyone else doesn't get a look in.

I met my old best mate for dinner and drinks last week, we hadn't seen each for a year.
When I got home, my wife asked how his kids and wife were, I said haven't a clue, it didn't crop up.

To her that is unfathomable (what do you mean you didn't ask about his family?)

Also I bet your mate didn't even see the dirty mug, it may have existed in a parallel universe but not on his So Wiggy don't judge your friend too much, its just the way we are.

barbiedoll

Oh gosh Wiggy...ALL teenagers are slightly mad and "unhinged", they're also rude, selfish and horrible to their siblings and their parents. The difference with most, so-called "normal" families, is that they allow their kids to get past this stage and grow into sensible, mature adults. Their parents give them space to grow and to learn from their mistakes, they don't try to snatch their grandchildren and cut the rest of the family off from them.

You're the product of a traumatic childhood but even those of us with relatively peaceful families, have tantrums and say and do horrible things sometimes. My sister and I have had some ghastly arguments, as have my brother and I. I can remember cutting a big hole in my brother's favourite jacket, simply because I came home and found him playing my beloved records on his new stereo. And my sister recently found one of her old diaries, complete with entry about how she hated me and she hoped that I'd get "run over" so that she wouldn't have to share a bedroom with me any longer. (She used to moan when I came home drunk and rambling and she could hear me vomiting in the bathroom lol!)

You and your sister would have made up long ago if she wasn't under the malign influence of your (definitely unhinged) mother. This is NOT YOUR FAULT! Any decent and caring mother would go to the ends of the earth to make sure that her children had the support of their family and siblings. The fact that she isolates you from your sister and grandmother, speaks volumes. She is the one with the problem, not you.

If I were you, I'd try to contact your grandmother when you know that your mother is at work. Can you not ring the house phone? Surely your sister has a school run or a job where she is out of the house at the same time as your mother? Make sure that you block the number that you're calling from and just try until your grandmother picks up the phone?

Or, if you're feeling brave enough, you could go round there, even if it's just to give your grandmother a letter, asking her to contact you. After all, it's your mother who is not allowed to come round to your place, there is no restriction on you going anywhere. If your mother comes over when you're there, don't engage with her, just tell her that you've come to see your grandmother and you have nothing to say to her (mother). If Wiglet isn't with you, then he's in no danger.

wiggywoo9

Thank you everyone


I just had a bad moment, will try not to look at those again. I just want my sister back I think. No idea what's become of my youngest sister, haven't heard/seen from her since everything happened.


Suppose just have to get on with things!

harrys_nan

Hi wiggy,
I'm sorry you're having a bad time at the moment.
Can you write to your nan or will your mum see that? will your sister tell your mum you have written to your nan?
I think that one day your sister will see your mum for what she is, all you can do is be patient.
Don't look at any more old messages even if you can't delete them yet. you have done so well up to now.Have you anyone who could get a message to your nan, how about a relative or a neighbour of hers?

wiggywoo9

Just wanted some quick advice- every Christmas I send a big box of presents to my nan's house where they all are. That's 1 present for each sister, 1 for nephew's Christmas, 1 for nephew's birthday (just before xmas), and 1 for my nan. Now I don't get anything from this- no thank you, no acknowledgement, sometimes I worry if it even gets there or goes in the bin.


Now the oldest of my sisters is 20 (who has the child), and the youngest is 18. I am starting to wonder if I should carry on getting anything for the oldest or either of them. When siblings have children, you usually just buy the kid a gift once the parent is at a certain age. I don't mind at all and it's one of the only ways I can show I still think about them and care and consider what they like. But this will be the 3rd or 4th year I've done this now and it feels like I'm putting the box in a black hole.


For the nephew I usually pick something my wiglet likes with a nice touch (e.g. Thomas train that has his name) and just hope the boy likes it. He's a year younger than mine.


For my nan I get her a calendar with photos each month of wiglet and me; usually something to do with gardening; slippers; and something she likes (she enjoys homemade marmalades so I get some from farmer's markets).


These parcels often cost at least £20 with just nephew and nan, then another £10-15 for sisters, plus delivery. Just wondering f I should limit what I send, or just send a token gift, or something?


I do send them birthday gifts and cards each in January and still got to send my nan flowers for her birthday in Nov. I just want there to be still some link between us. I've had no cards or anything for well over 2 1/2 years now but I deal with that as an adult, as the eldest I feel I have more responsibility somehow for retaining this link. It breaks my heart to think of these presents I put effort into being thrown away or purposely broken.


I would expect my mother to act indifferently, but to look down on anything I send, therefore making my sisters want to treat their gifts poorly to gain affection and not be 'frozen' out. If not this, she would directly seek to sabotage the parcel by throwing it away before they saw it or deliberately pretending to delivery person it was the wrong address, or something. I know this from how she would act when we used to get parcels from our dad- throw things away, laugh at the contents, remove cards, etc.