Family cut themselves out of my son's life

thorsoak

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Hi, I checked to see if the message to my sister had been read. It had and no response, so I guess that's it. I just don't want to live life with regrets- right now wiglet is missing out on his nephew entirely and I never wanted that. I also feel deeply that there's this undercurrent of hate or blame on me from their side, that even if there was a response, it'd be like 'well you didn't want US. YOU shut US out. YOU are the big problem. YOU are the immature one who cut wiglet from his family, from seeing his elderly greatgrandma in possibly the last few years of her life, WE don't care about you, WE never loved you anyway'. Maybe that's just guilt. I never meant to lose my sisters, my nephew or nana, I love them deeply. The issue was always with my mum, but maybe it was such a big issue that blocking her meant blocking them? I just don't want to be the one at fault. I'm hugely afraid they've turned me into my dad, the whole, we don't want you, chuck all messages in the bin, block you out, thing. As if I'm like him, unlovable or something?


I wish he was here and hadn't done what he did. I could've really done with SOME family.


God, its so easy to write and get stuff out Ignore me!

My dear Wiggy

Do you not realise that the person responsible for all of this is not you, not your nan, your sisters or your nephew.

Who shut your father out - to such an extent that he took his own life? :
Your mother.

Who gave out the ultimatum that made you move on? :
Your mother.

Who has created such an atmosphere of fear around your remaining family that they are unable to summon up the courage to do what you did and move on with their lives? :
Your mother.

Who is going to be responsible for screwing up their lives? with them ever fearful that they can't do anything without her approval?
Your sisters.

Who is going to have a happy, successful and fulfilled life with her son?

YOU ARE

Just keep sending the odd message to your sisters, giving your news (and always, always "big it up" :rotfl: - that will really pee your mother off :rotfl:) - and leave it to them to actually make contact.

You are doing a really great job on your own. Just a thought - apologies if you've already covered this point- but do you know anything about your father's family? (Apart from the poison spread by your mother, that is). You have half your family there, remember!

Have a lovely day x

RuthnJasper

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Hi, I checked to see if the message to my sister had been read. It had and no response, so I guess that's it. I just don't want to live life with regrets- right now wiglet is missing out on his nephew entirely and I never wanted that. I also feel deeply that there's this undercurrent of hate or blame on me from their side, that even if there was a response, it'd be like 'well you didn't want US. YOU shut US out. YOU are the big problem. YOU are the immature one who cut wiglet from his family, from seeing his elderly greatgrandma in possibly the last few years of her life, WE don't care about you, WE never loved you anyway'. Maybe that's just guilt. I never meant to lose my sisters, my nephew or nana, I love them deeply. The issue was always with my mum, but maybe it was such a big issue that blocking her meant blocking them? I just don't want to be the one at fault. I'm hugely afraid they've turned me into my dad, the whole, we don't want you, chuck all messages in the bin, block you out, thing. As if I'm like him, unlovable or something?


I wish he was here and hadn't done what he did. I could've really done with SOME family.


God, its so easy to write and get stuff out Ignore me!

Glad it's helping you to write stuff out! Write away - that's what this forum board is for. And we're here for you.

NONE of this is YOUR fault. Not one bit of it. Thinking back to your earliest days on here, when you were describing how you were locked out of their house, with them holding Wiglet inside, taunting you... that doesn't sound like your fault to me.

Unfortunately, your "mother" is not a normal person; very far from it. To judge from her previous antics, she even makes some of those toothless screeching harridans on Jeremy Kyle seem almost Mother Theresa-like. She wants you to feel like this; like it's all your fault. It isn't. Try not to give her the satisfaction of believing her (that's easier said than done, I know, though). Just re-read what she wrote in Wiglet's birthday card. THERE'S your culprit!

The strength, bravery and character you have shown over the past few years in prising yourself and your l'il man out of the destructive cycle of Nanageddon's behaviour is absolutely incredible. Somewhere, deep down, your mother knows this - and she can't stand it. Hence her resorting to tried-and-tested despicable tactics. Let her thrash about in her own pity-party. She's the architect of her own misery; and she deserves it's consequences.

Stay strong sweetie. Don't give in. xx

unicorn1984

I agree with every single word from GobbledyGook.

Your Mother brought all of these consequences on herself, you and the rest of your family. SHE is the catalyst, the common denominator.

The reason your sisters and Grandma haven't been in touch is because they are like you were once, scared, and DEPENDANT.

They DEPEND on her, for their home, lifts around in her car etc. They aren't going to rock the boat (yet) because they saw what the consequences were for you! Not to say it won't happen one day!

Who doesn't depend on her? YOOOOOUUU!!! Lovely, wonderful, special, strong, caring, loving YOU!

You will make friends, you will fall in love, you will have everything you need, and all on your terms!

xx

harrys_nan

wiggy, listen to what everyone is saying to you, NONE OF THIS YOUR FAULT, and then go and re read your signature,

believe in the positives, cannot get weighed down by non-believers/the bad times.

RAS

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Hi, I checked to see if the message to my sister had been read. It had and no response, so I guess that's it. I just don't want to live life with regrets- right now wiglet is missing out on his nephew entirely and I never wanted that.!

wiggy

What makes you so sure that wiggy and his cousin would be bosom buddies? Just as possible that they would grow up hating each other?

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

I also feel deeply that there's this undercurrent of hate or blame on me from their side, that even if there was a response, it'd be like 'well you didn't want US. YOU shut US out. YOU are the big problem. YOU are the immature one who cut wiglet from his family, from seeing his elderly greatgrandma in possibly the last few years of her life, WE don't care about you, WE never loved you anyway'.

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Maybe that's just guilt. I never meant to lose my sisters, my nephew or nana, I love them deeply. The issue was always with my mum, but maybe it was such a big issue that blocking her meant blocking them?

wiggy - if you had stayed with your mum I personally think that there is a good chance that she would have used her powers to turn wiglet against you as well.

Your sisters are trapped, your nana subject to something close to elder abuse and nephew is too young to even know you are gone.

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

I just don't want to be the one at fault. I'm hugely afraid they've turned me into my dad, the whole, we don't want you, chuck all messages in the bin, block you out, thing. As if I'm like him, unlovable or something?

wiggy - whatever your mother's views of your father, it is plain that at least one of his children loved him? So he was loveable.

My own relationship with my father was dire long before I went to secondary school (could not stand being in the same room or sometimes even talking about him) but I respect the fact that one of my siblings missed him hugely and that our mother's behaviour was poor to say the least. The biggest insult in our family was "You are just like your father!"

It took me a long time to acknowledge that there were things I like that were as a result of our relationship and that it was OK to want to take good photographs, enjoy woodwork, tree-climbing etc.

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

I wish he was here and hadn't done what he did. I could've really done with SOME family.

wiggy - even if he in no longer living he is still part of your family. Take the good memories - think about writing them down - and cherish them.

RAS

RuthnJasper wrote: »

The strength, bravery and character you have shown over the past few years in prising yourself and your l'il man out of the destructive cycle of Nanageddon's behaviour is absolutely incredible.

Ooh - that is a wonderful description.

meritaten

hi wiggy - as usual your friends on here have it right!
but, can I just say it is entirely natural you want contact with sis and nan - right now it isn't possible to have a 'two-way' contact with either. but, you don't know that sis hasn't quietly told nan about your message on facebook. she read it. there may be good reasons she hasn't replied. it doesn't mean she too is against you. keep contact with a message now and again, and never, ever say anything negative. let sis know that life without wigwitch is WONDERFUL! you never know, she may be desperately wishing she had the courage to do what you did.
its ok to say you miss HER and NAN! what you don't want to imply is that it makes you regret leaving - because you don't do you?
Friends - its not easy to make friends when you don't actually trust people, people sense it and back off. friends are made from common interests initially, and it takes TIME. it will happen wiggy hunny, when you relax and learn to trust and let down that guard you probably don't even know you have put up? I have seen it lowering over the months you have posted on here - but it sure aint gone! I am not criticising you hunny - I am surprised that you are actually so open to making friends, many women in your position would be scared of people getting too close. so look how well you are doing - and every month things get better and easier for you and in time the friends will happen along. and I think they will be good and true friends.

RAS

Great advice from meritaten, wiggy.

Keep up a long slow campaign of affection and good wishes plus any good news you would be happy to share.

And with regard to friends, I suspect from your earliest posts that you did not have many outside the family and BF? Because I suspect few of them were good enough for mum?

It is not easy making friends as a single mother of any age but as wiggy starts school, just take time to talk a little to each of the other mums. Gradually you will find friends; if nothing else someone who is happy to swap a bit of babysitting so each of you can have a few hours.

wiggywoo9

Thank you for all your help I had a response last night and was dithering over it ever since. It said 'im surprised to hear from you tbh, are we able to have contact with wiglet?'


At first I was happy that she'd responded and thought of course, you're his auntie! Then I gave it more thought and my heart sank. It is typed like my sister but reeks of my mum. There's no, hi, how are you? are you ok? what have you been up to? even warily. It's just, we want contact. Implying not just her but all of them. And not with me. And contact is a funny word for my sister to say- she'd say 'I'd love to see him, I miss him' etc or at least should have. It's very blunt.


Am I overthinking this? I left it and haven't responded, not sure if I even should.


Off out to a car boot in a new dress in the sun today, so hopefully be a good day

lindens

The reply doesn't sound very friendly I agree. I would reply back, if at all, with "depends who we is?" I don't think your sister would be up for being in contact with you without her mum, she doesn't sound strong enough.