Family cut themselves out of my son's life

Mojisola

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Now, mum's card is a little more disconcerting. She got him a Thomas card- and he only got into that recently, so how did she know? anyway, she put 'my gorgeous boy' and then 'hope you have a lovely day (there's money put aside from you at home) lots of love, hugs and kisses from grandma LASTNAME' then big row of xs and a ps 'all your xmas pressies fro me and family are waiting!'.

She knows she isn't getting anywhere trying to control you directly so has decided to do it through Wiglet. She just doesn't give up, does she?

She wants to manipulate Wiglet into pestering you to see Grandma so he can get all those presents waiting for him. There's not a snowball in hell's chance that I would let him see that card!

If the other cards are going to raise questions from him, I'd also keep them hidden away. You can see by your reaction that you haven't got enough distance from them yet not to be affected even by remote contact like a card - wait until you are stronger.

Remember you are doing all this to give him a normal upbringing away from the stress that you have lived through.

meritaten

first of all wiggy - most boys his age are fans of Thomas and its probably just a lucky guess. so don't read too much into that.
you could contact your sister and thank her for the card and to thank the rest of the family for you.
please don't contact your mother - not yet, its way too soon. she would see any contact with you as a sign of weakness on your part. and its only because she is OUT of your life that you have achieved so much.
like the others, I am proud of you too. and you DO have a family! here on marraiges..................a load of family all wanting the best for you - on YOUR terms not ours! we are still here, willing you on and supporting you. we care about YOU! and wiglet and wigdog.

thorsoak

Just let him see the cards - let's face it, they will mean absolutely NOTHING to him! And don't read anything into the fact that it was a Thomas Card ....ALL 2 year olds receive Thomas Cards! It doesn't mean that she has been stalking him!

You ARE being a good mum, Wiggy, and its a shame that you have such a c**p mum yourself. Don't beat yourself up about it - you are doing so much good for Wiglet, you are giving him a loving mum, a dad who loves him, even if he doesn't live with him, you are giving him a stable background - which is what every child deserves, and which is what your own mother failed to give you. That's why you question every step you take. Wiglet will grow into a confident little chap, because that's what you are giving him - confidence!

Let him see the cards sure, but don't start agonising over them. xx

harrys_nan

Oh wiggy, it sound like her old games again, she does know you would read the card from her so she knew exactly what she was writing.
I feel sad for you not to have a close relationship with her, but can you trust her?
I also think she could have sent a parcel or money through the post, so why did she feel the need to right what she did.
I so want to give you a big cuddle and tell you how brilliant you are, just remember how much you have done up to now by your self, wiglet loves you so much, your a brilliant mum and he is lucky to have you.
Keep your options open re your nan and sisters, one day they will see the light like you did.

double_mummy

hey wiggy

to be honest with wiglet at that age it was either thomas or bob the builder or cars and as most of the older generation know thomas they go for that one. everyone of my sons grandparents and great aunts and uncles got him thomas ones for his 3rd birthday because they remember it too

let wiglet see the card and if you want him to be able to keep it how about cutting the picture off of the front sticking it on some paper or card and let him draw around it and throw away the bit with the message because it doesnt mean anything- she knows wiglet cant read so it cant be for anyone else but you

dont let her shake you, you are doing so well

shelley_crow

It says a lot that she said the money is put aside for him at 'home'. Your mum's house isnt his home and hasnt been for the best part of a year. This smacks of her expecting you to go running back to her, don't give her the satisfaction. Wiglets home is the one you have set up yourself. This was obvious emotional blackmail from a very deluded individual.

nicki_2

I agree with the others over the card, Thomas is a very popular theme on cards for 2 year old boys. What your mum has written in the card was obviously aimed at you, to make you feel guilty and is oozing emotional blackmail. Her house is not wiglets 'home'. I'd put it away with any other paperwork relating to keeping her away, its evidence that she still hasn't got the message. Then forget about it!

You, wiglet and wigdog live in your home, as a family. Wiglets dad and his family are part of your family too even though they don't live with you. Lots of children grow up in single parent households and you are doing an amazing job bringing up a wonderful little boy with lots of love and affection. You have a family of friends here who are all here for you no matter what. Don't let her get to you. You're like a phoenix, you're stronger and happier now that you are away from her

earthmother

"then 'hope you have a lovely day (there's money put aside from you at home) lots of love, hugs and kisses from grandma LASTNAME' then big row of xs and a ps 'all your xmas pressies fro me and family are waiting!'."

I've lurked for a long time now, but just had to post when I read this part, because it was so familiar.

Without going into huge details, my inlaws broke contact with me, my then husband and our kids back when my second was born, because we wouldn't submit to their demands on visiting, childrearing etc. They then proceeded to tell everyone who would listen that we were the ones stopping them from seeing their grandchildren, and would send cards every christmas and birthday for several years, all full of these veiled threats and emotional blackmail, and even comments saying the kids would 'know the truth, we're keeping a diary'.

I just wanted to say - don't let her get to you Wiggy ... however stressful or painful it is to read these things now, it's only a few days out of each year ... you have to remember how much better your life is outside of those few days.

Keep any communications, you might need them in the future, if only to let Wiglet know the real truth, rather than his grandma's version, when he's old enough, but don't pay them any attention otherwise. If gifts or money come from her, and you're not comfortable keeping them, then give them to charity (we did, the inlaws had a thing about controlling with money/gifts, so we knew we couldn't keep them, even for the kids sakes).

Most importantly, hold your head high ... you are an amazing mum, Wiglet will be an amazing boy as he grows ... and that's all your own work. *hug*

duchy

Wow your Mum really is a piece of work isn't she !!
Look at it logically-Your Mum knows perfectly well Wiglet can't read -that message wasn't for him -it was for you- to manipulate you........ and the fact you even considered ringing her meant that it came close to working.

I understand you want a Mum - one who loves you unconditionally and wants the best for you -like you do for Wiglet..... but it you are honest -deep down you know your Mum isn't capable of treating you that way-and all she seems to want is control of Wiglet .

I agree all 2 and 3 year olds get Thomas cards from grandparents . My son is 22 and if he had kids I'd be buying Thomas stuff too -especially if I didn't know what he was into as Thomas is a safe bet

Frankly your Nan and your sister (surely she's passed her driving test by now or has friends who can drive) if they wanted to could send you a letter or a card or drop presents off at any time -so they are simply doing it because your Mum says they can. Maybe they are both just weak and scared of your Mum as neither want to treated the way your Mum has treated you -and they have seen what she is capable of with her treatment of you. I'm sure they do care for you but their fear of your Mum and the fact she has forced them to choose sides is stronger than their concern for you as they know you can and are coping very nicely. They may even feel they are doing the right thing by you as you are definitely better off outside the family's toxic dynamic.

Do they feel sorry for your Mum ? Yes I'm sure they do. I had an aunt who behaved a bit like your Mum to her siblings and their kids (thankfully she had no kids of her own) and as I grew up I could never understand why her sliblings let her behave so badly -she could be incredibly generous but also absolutely vile and destructive. Eventually I realized she had done it for so long that she wasn't going to change-and I simply put distance between her and me and got on with my life with minimal contact . She had taken more of a grandmother role in my life as she was my Dad's much older sister - and I did love her -but it was a case of loving the person but hating the behaviour -and realizing her presence in my life was damaging and I needed to protect myself. I think your situation is similar. Once I made the break......and there was a lot of emotional blackmail to get me "back" .....over a long period we gradually rebuilt and I used to visit her but she had to realize she couldn't control me first. She never stopped trying completely but eventually didn't try too hard as if she went too far she just didn't see me again for weeks.
Maybe in a few years when she can see you as an independant adult your Mum and you can rebuild a bit but not whilst she's still trying to play these control games.

I do "get it" Wiggy and understand how hard it is that things are not as they "should be" and how you wish your Mum could be the type of Mother you see others regard as normal but you only have to look through this forum to see lots of people have families who aren't "normal" and simply don't talk about it to people in "real life".

I hope you and Wiglet have a wonderful time tomorrow . Do you have any special plans ?

MothballsWallet

thorsoak wrote: »

The Flying Super-Gran Squad!

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_XdP6Lp2ceqY/S4dTC-a_MwI/AAAAAAAAJUc/1zaI9o3z5AM/s1600-h/granny.jpg

Wait, I think that's Granny Goodness! She's a super-villain in the DC Comics Universe, an ally of Darkseid (yes, that's not a typo, that's how his name's spelt), the baddie that sends Superman into a blind rage if you mention his name