Family cut themselves out of my son's life

thriftyemma

I agree with other posters about Home Start. I was refered to them by my HV, who arranged a volunteer to come and visit once a week for a couple of hours.
I was nervous at first, because my house is disorganised chaos, and was worried what they would think. But they're not there to judge.
My volunteer, a lovely young lady, did all sorts of things with me, baked cakes with the kids, sat and played puzzles, even helped me tidy up to get ready for a party. It was so lovely to have a couple of hours with another adult.
I would definitely talk to your HV, tell her how isolated you feel. They are there to help you, and can provide so much information.
Stay strong, you are doing so well.

Yorkie1

Honestly, wiggy, you're far more normal than you think!

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

I thought a lot about it today. I wasn't taught to cook at home and couldn't peel a potato when I left,

When I went to Uni I lived on scrambled eggs on toast for several weeks ...

now thanks to MSE and AGirlCalledJack I can manage to make some things, haven't ever tackled big puddings or Shepherd's pies

Shepherd's pie is easier than it looks, just fry some mince, carrots, tin of tomatoes, and onions, and bung mashed spuds on top.

or Lasagnes though.

They are a bit tricky - I get mess everywhere and use several pans!

I couldn't even fry chicken! I can't clean, I know to use bleach etc but my mum always did everything, getting up at 6am to start. I can't do much with hair either- low pony or rough tucked in bun, just about do a high pony. Wasn't taught to do anything else, she still did my hair everyday for school til I left at 17.

Me neither.

And forget make-up, I can just about put mascara and lipgloss on,

Pretty much ditto

I don't know much about that or how to dress for different occasions. Didn't have much growing up, just tees and jeans. First time I wore a skirt was with wiglet's dad, my first boyfriend and only cos he commented that I only ever wore jeans! Subsequently ridiculed by my mum for wearing them as well.

I live in jeans and comfortable trousers, and tops from T-shirt or similar smarter material.

So yes, thinking back on it, this was weird and not normal. I'm sure many other 21 year old women can do more!

I'm twice your age!

trolleyrun

You're not alone in not knowing stuff, Wiggy. I didn't know how to cook when I left home at the age of 20 - I wasn't allowed in the kitchen "as I would make a mess". I can just about put some basic makeup on, but I'm not comfortable wearing it. I live in muddy jeans courtesy of my dog. I'm useless with my hair and it's the bane of my life. Oh, and you should see the state of my floors (again, courtesy of my dog)!

However, I've taught myself how to cook. I can do the dishes. But most of all, I've learned that I'm a good person. I'm worthy of being happy - and so are you. Whichever way that happens, it will happen. You will feel better within yourself, just give it time.

With regards to the cooking and many other things, the internet is your friend. YouTube has tutorials you can watch and copy at your leisure. I'll happily pm you some of my recipes for soups if you want me to.

Just remember, none of us were born with any skills, we all have to learn them one way or the other. I do so wish I could give you a hug and reassure you it'll be ok. Keep going, girl - you're doing great! Focus on your strong points and your confidence will build.

Saturnalia

Wiggy, things like cooking & housekeeping and hairdos & makeup all fall into the same category. Things you learn as you go along, have the odd mishap and just get better as you keep trying.

And the best thing is you have internet access and there are all sorts of blogs and video tutorials to help you along. Have fun experimenting. So you can apply lip gloss and mascara, that's a start, and if it makes you feel a little more confident in facing the world, and happier when you look in the mirror, where's the harm? Hair, you see plenty of women with shaggy hairdos that look good, grab some bands or pins and have a go. Or what about a shaggy short cut that shows off your face and needs next to no maintenance? I know you're skint but look out for salons needing models for trainees, or hair and beauty colleges that have training salons.

Cooking is as easy or as complicated as you like. See if you can find a student cooking book or blog, those recipes will be designed to be quick, simple, cheap and somewhat nutritious. Omelettes are easy, you will have your first few break as you try to turn them and they'll look messy, but you'll get the knack of it, besides the rubbish-looking ones still taste good. I take it you can cook noodles? Put some veg in a pan with a little oil, keep stirring while the noodles cook, mix together with a little soy sauce and that's a stir-fry.

See - start small and simple, get some easy wins under your belt and you'll grow in confidence! Although you have already made some massive wins, don't forget that and don't let the small stuff shake you.

As for your house, take a look at charity shops and fabric stalls, you might find scarves, remnants etc. that you could make into sofa and bed throws, wall-hangings, table runners... have a look and see if any of the ornaments, picture frames etc. are to your taste too.Maybe if you could stretch to a set of bedsheets in a cool colour, that would brighten your bedroom. Or try dying some faded old ones you already have, in a colour that makes you feel happy to look at it?

You want to make friends in your life, does Wiglet go to nursery, creche etc. Does he have pals there? What about a playdate - for Wiglet's pal and his/her mum? Maybe at the playpark or feeding the ducks, if you don't want to do it at home just yet? Little ones love that, it's free and plenty of space for the grown-ups to talk. Or check out Meetup and local FB groups - there may be something for mums and kids. There are probably many people out there who would love to have you and Wiglet as friends, you just haven't met them yet.

PuzzledDave

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

I'm sure many other 21 year old women can do more!

And many 21 year old men & women can do less. Hate to be the one to tell you - but basically no one leaves home with the full catalogue of things they need to know about running a home. Some leave with a general idea of cooking and such but have no idea how to fix a leaky tap without calling a plumber for £80 (DIY price... virtually free).

The good news is that many household things turn out to be simple if you simple have a go. For example, in first shared home away from parents (all students) one of my housemates thought it would be funny to drop a firework down the sink. It exploded and the u-bend/sink trap broke into several pieces (lucky really it wasn't worse). So rather than live with the trouble we would get into with our estate agents, aged 19 and knowing knacker all about plumbing took a look at the broken part and it seemed really simple, two ends that screw in... went to a shop, brought a replacement for £2 and fixed it.

These days things (IMHO) are often easier with the internet. Something went wrong with our washing machine recently, I was about to pay a couple of hundred on a new one - but instead thought would have a go to fix myself - found a couple of videos on youtube describing what to do... and (admittedly after a couple of hours) our washing machine is running better than it has in years. I still don't know anything about washing machines.

barbiedoll

Wiggy, if there's one thing alone that you can be proud of in your life, it's that you managed to get wiglet away from your mother.

She has controlled you and planned and plotted your life for you for every single day that you lived with her. Not being able to cook or clean is one thing, many of us had SAHM's who waited on us hand and foot, leaving us floundering when we left home, but doing your hair for you when you were 17? That is the action of a total control freak.

Can you imagine what a dreadful partner a grown-up wiglet would have made if he'd stayed with her? He would be one of those awful men who cannot do a single thing around the house, he wouldn't even know how to find a pair of matching socks. You and he will grow and learn together and if nothing else, you will have spared a future wife/partner, the ordeal of living with a permanent man-child!

harrys_nan

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4867512

Join in with this thread, very nice bunch of people, most are single like you, including single mums, xx

paulineb_2

21 was a long time ago for me, but thinking back to then, I always used to wear make up when I went out, but not really on a day to day basis. And if I ever do wear make up these days which is rare I'll wear some eyeshadow, a bit of eyeliner and some lipstick. I dont wear foundation as I have sensitive skin. No one taught me how to put make up on, its not that difficult really, but then I dont go for anything fancy.

As for hair, I have long hair, its tied back most of the time as I do a lot of fitness classes and teach them, its very rare that I wear my hair down, its in a ponytail almost all of the time. I get it cut and coloured (cheaply) at a local college and I dont do very much with it apart from that and I havent ever done really.

I can cook, but that was very much trial and error and I cant bake, hopeless so I dont bother. I too live in an area that has a bad rep and sometimes there is a lot of noise and its a pain in the bottom, but I just shut my door and get on with it. Ive had no washing machine in my house for the last 7 months after my old one flooded and no one wanted to take responsibility for the repair and my new kitchen installation was delayed due to this so Ive been doing my washing at my mums and in laundrettes, then her machine packed in so everything has been going to the laundrette. Thats the bare bones of the story, the full story has been a lot more stressful and I know what its like to have days where you think this is it, everythings wrong but as other people have said, you focus on what you cant do, focus on what you can and what you are good at.

I cant cook lasagne either, well if I did, you'd be bouncing it off a wall, in my view theres nothing wrong with sticking to some things you know you are good at and building from there. I was in my mid 20s when I moved out of home and it took me years to cook anything much more than pasta without buying microwave dinners, it was just lack of confidence that meant I didnt cook as much, but you get there.

Im also very much a jeans and T shirt person. I actually prefer dresses to skirts, skirts and tops dont really do it for me, thats just me. I wear casual clothes every single day and if I go out at night I tend to rotate between a couple of dresses. I could actually trim my wardrobe down to a few dresses and all my casual clothes and Id be fine. The reason I prefer to wear a dress is that for the last few years my weight has been up and down and Ive not been comfortable in jeans, but until then, Id have worn jeans almost every day.

You find your own style. You might always look at someone else and think, look how they dress or their make up or how they do their hair, if you are very much a casual person at heart, which is what I am, getting ready for a night out after Ive had a shower, I can do that in 10 mins, then thats you and its better to wear what you feel comfortable in than get more dressed up and think, I really dont feel good in that.

I got my hair cut and coloured at a local college yesterday for 10 quid. I dont really do much with my hair in between cuts and Im skint a lot of the time, but I think it always gives you a lift to treat yourself now and then if you have the money spare.

missprice

Hand on heart who has not sat and cried at the state of their house/life/kitchen/wardrobe/hair/can't put the darn bookshelf up?

I have cried at all these things and plenty more.
In fact not so long ago, I cried at the utter mess I made of rebuilding a garden wall ( if its nice weather tomorrow I shall take a pic and post up for you all to laugh at my effort) however the wall is back up.

I can't even do a bun in hair I bought a load of crocodile clips and shove my hair in or wear a cap.

No one leaves home knowing much about anything, so I reckon you can be proud you got this far with a small child and a dog.

If you didn't cry that would be more weird.
Life is a learning curve and you keep on learning.

Well done wiggy you done good so far.

Pinzy

Came across this and spent a fair part of the day reading it!
This is hard, for you. You're cut off from your family, and you will take some time to get over that. Whenever there's a break-up in a relationship, your brain puts you through big emotions before it adjusts - it's a natural thing.
Consider counselling - they can help you put it in a psychological perspective. Be strong, you do need to stay away for months. Friendships with new people will happen.

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I know it's a good thing I don't understand them. I don't understand because I am normal and they were not.

^ This. Absolutely this.

It is possible that your mother will never change. She is just a person, and some people aren't quite right in the head. As you know, some people can't be fixed.

You however, you have given them a second chance after they tried to take your child, and they have not learned a thing. You, at not even mid 20s, have completed a degree, have a career plan with different options, have provided a home for you and your child, and pets. You are inspiring. Concentrate on your and yours, you are L'Oreal