Family cut themselves out of my son's life

meritaten

Wiggy - You are a daughter to be proud of! That your mother isn't loving towards you and proud of you speaks volumes about HER.
The problem lies within your mother not you. You need to realise this and stop looking for the answer within yourself. It isn't THERE! its within your mother. and maybe she doesn't know herself.
I totally understand that you feel you need a mother - we all do. hell, I am 59 and wish I was closer to my mother - but she has never understood me and dismisses me and my brother, my youngest sister though cannot do any wrong.
I had my dad though and am grateful for that.
I think you need to talk this out too. I suggest counselling as well, as despite being as busy as you are you are feeling isolated. You know you have a virtual army of e-family all supporting you - but sometimes you just want a hug don't you?

(((((((((((((((((((((HUGE HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))

I wish I could have done that in person - but its the best I can do for now.
We all need human contact - go and hug Wiglet or Waglet or both. make do for now until you find a grown up who can give good hugs.

Angry_Bear

Your last post makes me so sad for you - YOU are not the problem, SHE is.

I'm not a psychiatric professional, but I wonder if this might be useful information for you? http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

wiggywoo9

Thanks everyone.

miserable and crying today, just broke down in tears. Was going okay, returned home from wiglet's nursery and found my drier had fallen into muck off my balcony, clothes all dirty, need re-washing and drier broken. All this a result of me finding mold in the bathroom of our maisonette, knowing it was me drying clothes indoors and trying to get rid of it and make an effort. Now going to push up the electric and water bills redoing them, now have no way of drying clothes, there's just nowhere to put them here. NO room for a line, too windy for drier to stay put and too expensive and no room for a tumble-drier.

Just made me break down. Starting to utterly hate living here. The two flights of stairs are a pain everyday after working and learning, the area is a mess and bad rep, the block and maisonette is not presentable to guests, I'm ashamed of where I live, more so for my wiglet as he has to put up with it and how is he gonna do it when friends want to come round, he wants to play out? Don't even have a park play area. The maisonette itself it top floor, pain with buggy, shopping and dog, the electric keeps going up even after I up the amount I put on, dreading when it drops to 20.00 and knowing 30.00 every 2 weeks won't cut it. It used to go along steadily at 10.00 every 2 weeks.

The whole place is a mess, needs painting, re-doing, no room, not presentable. I keep it hovered and tidy but there's so much that needs cleaning and washing and scrubbing. I still don't have curtains downstairs or in wiglet's room. It's so dirty- after the last residents left I think it was empty a while so all window frames, edges, skirting, all of that is still dirty and thick with muck.

The roof balcony is ridden with bird poo, green mossy stuff, muck and grime and bugs. It backs onto my son's room and just smells and is un-utilised and pools with water. I used to see it as somewhere to clean up, put a slide and flowers out there, with a paddling pool for summer.

I don't actually know how to clean- never taught to and barely capable at cooking. I don't know how to handle all the rooms and housework, along with everything else. Money is too tight to pay someone and after breaking down today, I realised I've still, even months after breaking away from toxic side of family, not got any good friends, no partner, no job, no-one to help me out and support me. I just need a helping hand and a hug, then I can pick myself up and carry on, I hope. But nothing is forthcoming and I'm drowning under everything.

Mojisola

Oh, Wiggy - there will be days like this! You've taken on such a lot with no support, you wouldn't be normal if you didn't have some really bad days.

Not for the first time, I wish we had an MSE hit-squad who could descend on posters who are having a bad time and sort out some of the problems and give them a boost!

Things will get better!

carolbee

Oh gosh, I feel for you. Don't always comment but have subscribed and read from the beginning.

I dont know what area you are in, and I obviously don't want you to divulge, but I so wish I could help you. If you are anywhere near me, please pm me, I'm sure there are lots of us who could do a bit of 'mothering'.

You sound very down and in need of support, my thoughts are with you.

lostinrates

Wiggy,

You poor lamb.

The place is good enough I'm sure, after all you live there and you and the little one are good enough. You can always take play dates to places if you are really embarrassed but I think most people will care more that the child their kid is play with is nice, polite, and good fun and that you are good people and that you are keeping them safe. Really I do. The buggy will not be for ever, and two flights of stairs you can consider your excericise. Its hard to be positive I know, but its sometimes the only thing that gets you thorough (after a good cry, which is cathartic and healthy)


The good news is that cleaning can be learned. .

Its a pain when you are tired and especially when you have been through an emotional wringer but, there you are.

Right.

Cleaning. Sounds like you ned to think about a good old spring clean, and its the right sort of weather.

Firstly old stylers love star drops they say it cuts through anything, and its not expensive. Might be something to consider? Personally I don't like it because I don't like the smell. I like flash, washing up liquid, vinegar, hot water, bleach and either detrol or zoflora (but bear in mind they are NOT dog safe, so if your dog is a chewer or a licker do not use the sort of detrol things that go white in water where dog might lick/chew.

I like a bucket of HOT water, and LOTS of cleaning clothes and an old towel. My favorite clothes to clean with are either microfibre or the most basic dis clothes. I find they fit my hand well. I also like a scrubbing brush and an old tooth brush.

Pick a room. Do kitchen and bathroom thoroughly last. They will get dirty as you empty out buckets etc into them.


If its dry vacuum or sweep it throurougly. Ceiling, walls floor. Why? It lets you deal with the 'real' dirt more easily than if you skip this stage IMO.

Start at the top and work down, So if there is muck oater this stage on your ceiling, up you get and clean it, then the walls, one at a time, the skirtings, and windows, then floor again.

I use water with flash for most things. Stronger flash where is murkier. I like bleach opinion a bathroom or kitchen (wear gloves) and some times I use washing up liquid instead of flash. I use vinegar for windows. Tooth brush helps things like muck on window sills. Then a clothes to wipe up. Change clothes often ....they get mucky. (I wash my clothes on a hot wash and consider that a good clean for my washing machine too, I keep a bucket of them by the washing machine ....maybe you could find somewhere safer, Wiglet in mind, and put all my clothes in there till I have a full load...I use a clean cloth in the kitchen every day for example, but don't want to wash it every day. In your flat with toddler clothes a better system might be possible for you!

While you clean put on UPBEAT, happy music, Open the windows to air the room and you and Wiglet get about dancing while you clean.

Do a room well on a day. Don't try and do more IMO. Why? Its tireing you have other stuff to do and Wiglet will get bored. So you could just do say, bedrooms first, then sitting room.

I'd tackle that outside bit with a proper cleaner that you just spray on ad scrub. Not the cheapest way, but the easiest.

GobbledyGook

Oh Wiggy

You are doing so well. The bad days will come, but you WILL get through it.

Practical helps - Can you tie your drier to your balcony to stop it blowing over. Also pegging your clothes onto the drier can stop them blowing away.

On the old style board there is a cleaning solution of bicarb and vinegar, both very cheap ingredients. I can't remember the mix exactly, but it works brilliantly!

My Grandparents were skint when they brought us up. I remember Nana having holes in her shoes and having 'candlelight picnics' when the electric ran out. What I remember most though is feeling loved, and safe. It wasn't a palace or perfect by any means, but it was our home and that meant more than anything so please don't give yourself a hard time. You are doing a great job.

fredtheguava

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Thanks everyone.

I don't actually know how to clean- never taught to and barely capable at cooking.

I never - and I mean NEVER - saw my parents clean. That's not me having selective memory, I juts genuinely don't remember more than a hoover being pushed around at any point.

I had to learn to clean when I lived with my first long-term partner. It helped that she knew what to do, and could teach me, but it doesn't come naturally when it has never been a part of your life.

What helped me the most was having typed lists that were stuck to the insides of cupboards in each room: kitchen, bathroom, living room, bedrooms. The tasks were in the order that she thought was the most logical, so I could literally work from top to bottom. It took AGES when I first started, and I had to look at the list constantly, but I got quicker. And now I don't need the lists and my flat is usually clean (not tidy, but still!).

It seems like an odd skill to learn as an adult, but you will learn. And the sense of achievement is excellent.

Good luck!

Person_one

If I were you, I'd go to your GP. Tell them how you feel.

The practical stuff can be sorted and you've got some great suggestions, but your emotions matter too.

Don't forget, the Samaritans are always there, 08457 909090

thorsoak

Wiggy, honey - if you need help - go to Flylady (there's a flylady forum on MSE even) you'll find lots of kindred spirits there - and you can get a routine there which will help you.

The weather has been so foul for so long, its not surprising that you are feeling low - but hang on in there - spring will soon be here, and then you and Wiglet can get out, you'll be able to take Wiglet and Wagalot out in the sun - and as Wiglet gets bigger, you're not going to have to haul his buggy everywhere.

You're not going to be in Grotville forever - you are doing well with your studies and training, and then once you are earning you will be able to raise your heights as to where you call home.

Stay strong - you are getting there x