Family cut themselves out of my son's life

paulineb_2

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

I sent a message on the online advice part for legal aid as the lady wasn't getting back to me, I'll call them if I don't get a response in next few days.

Had a friend on FB have her relative die today and it made me wonder how I'd ever know about my own grandma/ wiglet's greatgrandma if she was ill or heading that way. She's 75 and I haven't seen her for months now. She didn't even write to thank me for Christmas presents which is unusual for her unless mum put pressure on her not to, or nothing was received? There's no way I can know if it didn't. My youngest sister (lets say hadn't replied to my FB message but it looks as if she hasn't been on in ages so may not even know it's there. My second sister (one with baby, lets call her A) is on FB occasionally but the things she's done and her stance on the subject makes her pretty unreachable anyway.

Someone wrote on here that my mum didn't care for ME, its all about wiglet. The way things have gone, that seems about right. I struggle with this though. WHY? How can you hate or not love your first child so much? What have I actually done to her? I go through back everything and all I did was say no to the holiday and give us some time to ourselves. I didn't say nasty things, physically hurt her, have a bad image (say if I was a drug taker or something!)- she knew I had my own home, my own courses and volunteering and had graduated successfully. I haven't been a bad daughter- I had struggles with PND and suicide which I had fought through- but I honestly have done nothing that deserves this treatment and utter cold detachment.

I could understand if I'd had bad habits or smoked or dropped out of school, or even harmed wiglet, but I haven't, just kept going and tried to better myself. And why wiglet? Why does she have such a focus on him? Is it my ex? Does she feel she has 'invested' in him by us living with her when he was a baby, been at his birth, with the addition of no father? But surely it'd be logical to then support mum AND baby?

I don't know, I could scream sometimes cos I just want a mum, to help out, to hug me, to be able to talk to without it being manipulated or thrown back. I don't have a family anywhere else cos of my dad's death and I just feel- well- like an orphan or something. Everyone in all the places I go to, all my groups, have normal families, normal weekends, sunday roast and bit of telly, I have no-one but myself. And no-one seems to get it or understand either. Do I just live my life without parents or sisters, or live with messed up ones, or what? I need a family!

You need people who support you, that support doesnt necessarily need to come from your family.

Your mum has issues, that is clear, its not about you or what you did or didnt do wrong, its about her.

Please think very carefully about trying to reconcile with your mum because you want what other people have, it could bring you a lot more grief in the long run.

lostinrates

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

I
I don't know, I could scream sometimes cos I just want a mum, to help out, to hug me, to be able to talk to without it being manipulated or thrown back. I don't have a family anywhere else cos of my dad's death and I just feel- well- like an orphan or something. Everyone in all the places I go to, all my groups, have normal families, normal weekends, sunday roast and bit of telly, I have no-one but myself. And no-one seems to get it or understand either. Do I just live my life without parents or sisters, or live with messed up ones, or what? I need a family!

You just know that what ever happens, this is unlikely to happen though, right?

There ARE other people without families, its just you're not seeing them or meeting with them. Think for example, of people who have immigrated here and whose families are very distant. Its not the same, I agree, but they aren't have Sunday lunch with their family and are having to cope like you, on a day to day basis. Other people here get the difficulty emotionally of coping with no or 'insufficient' family, and you will eventually meet people in real life who understand. Tbh, I'm surprised you have n't yet, but I suppose its because you are so busy with stuff, life and Wiglet.

Most importantly, you do not want Wiglet to ever feel the way you feel when he makes his own choices that don't marry with what family have predefined for him.


You will create a support network. Its not the same as a family. Its better. They are chosen, not who you have to put up with because you were born into their company. Friends will be the people who give you a hug and who you share a meals with.

thriftyemma

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Someone wrote on here that my mum didn't care for ME, its all about wiglet. The way things have gone, that seems about right. I struggle with this though. WHY? How can you hate or not love your first child so much? What have I actually done to her? I go through back everything and all I did was say no to the holiday and give us some time to ourselves. I didn't say nasty things, physically hurt her, have a bad image (say if I was a drug taker or something!)- she knew I had my own home, my own courses and volunteering and had graduated successfully. I haven't been a bad daughter- I had struggles with PND and suicide which I had fought through- but I honestly have done nothing that deserves this treatment and utter cold detachment.

I have been following your thread, and after you wrote this, I wanted to reply. Please, please don't blame yourself for your mother's behaviour. She may well have MH issues, but whatever the reason, it is her's alone. You have been so strong, and you should feel so proud of everything you have achieved!
I too suffered with PND, and it's a very real, very debillitating condition. You have managed to overcome that, and provide a safe, happy home for your LO. I know it must hurt an awful lot for your mum to not be there for you, but I promise, it is not anything you have done.
I agree with the other posters who have suggested counselling. It can help you work through your worries and anxieties in a safe, controlled environment. I think it will bring you some peace.
Stay strong, you have done so well. I think your LO is extremely lucky to have such a caring, wonderful mum.

krustylouise

Hi Wiggy,

I have been a lurker on your thread. I wanted to comment to reassure you that you are definitely not alone on the no family front. My mum passed away when I was 18, before that she was an alcoholic, my siblings all lives miles away and show no intention of getting in touch or even acknowledging my attempts for contact! My dad remarried not long after my mum passed away to someone half his age and he very rarely gets in touch. So please don't think you're alone in being alone. There are no family Christmases in this house, no Sunday lunches, no trips to the park, no nye parties. You and your beautiful boy will get through this and you will be so strong because of it xx

missprice

Awww sugar, there a load of people on this thread been through the same anguish.
I am now in my 40s :eek: and still wish I had a ma that cared.

Instead I have 3 nearly mothers who fill the void. Its still not the same as having a real ma, and boy all 3 have their moments when I want to scream at them ( just like a real ma I suspect ) but 3 nearly are better than one real one who simply does not care.

I figured out early on ( like you have) that my mother was less than useless and a conniving witch, and I made my choice to leave her stewing in her own vileness.she has never tried to contact me in 20+ years. Guess I am luckier than you.

Anyway you are a very clever young lady, you can tell a mile off if someone's no good, so trust your instincts and make some friends that will slowly turn into family. Find yourself a nearly mother or two, and when the gloom if not having a nice mother comes up, you can tell yourself it matters not because you have a nearly mother.

GobbledyGook

Sadly those of us with poor (understatement) parents will never really understand it.

When I was 6 we had hardly any food. We all had to sit at the table on the Sunday while my father ate his lunch. He got all of the food because he was working (he worked 1 night a week in a bar cash in hand - he was hardly slaving his guts out). I will never understand what would possess a person to make two children who hadn't eaten since Friday watch them - far less what kind of parents don't go hungry to feed their children.

However that's why I mentioned counselling because thanks to the counselling I know it's a good thing I don't understand them. I don't understand because I am normal and they were not.

You don't understand why your mother seems to disregard you because Wiglet is everything to you and you can't imagine every treating him the way you have been treated. That's because you are normal and she is not.

The hardest thing to realise and accept is that we will never have the parents we want. Mine were never going to suddenly realise they were wrong and start putting us first. Yours is never going to see you as the strong person worthy of love and pride that you are.

That's the hardest lesson because our parents didn't teach us we were worth it and we are Wiggy. We really are. I promise you once that sinks in completely you'll feel much stronger and better.

Gemma x

Person_one

Some parents are only interested in their children when they are tiny and cute and get lots of attention and fuss and don't have their own opinions or do anything that can't be controlled. Once they're older, they're just not that bothered anymore, there's nothing in it for them.

The way that your mother is obsessed with your toddler son makes me wonder if she's one of these. She wants him now, while he's angelic and sweet and malleable. When he's 15 and a goth or smoking round the back of the bikesheds or playing drums and shouting "I hate you I wish I'd never been born" like a normal, healthy teenager, will she still be so interested do you think?

I agree with Thorsoak that it would be a really good idea to get some counselling, to talk through all these feelings and thoughts and worries with somebody who knows how best to help you work it all out and come up with ways of coping an living with it.

None of it is your fault.

Mojisola

Person_one wrote: »

Some parents are only interested in their children when they are tiny and cute and get lots of attention and fuss and don't have their own opinions or do anything that can't be controlled. Once they're older, they're just not that bothered anymore, there's nothing in it for them.

I think this is likely as well. It may be that she always realised that Wiggy wasn't as controllable as the rest of the family and that's why she wasn't nice to her.

Wiggy has been so strong and so brave to break away from her mother - Wiglet's life is going to be so much better because of his Mum's courage.

CH27

Wiggy please get some counselling.

You are holding on to wanting the ideal mother & she just doesn't exist.

You are doing wonderfully well for Wiglet & you should be very proud of yourself.

duchy

You may not know the reasons Wiggy -and you see your sisters treated differently by her which is all the harder. My Mum treated me and my brother entirely differently. I never knew why til I was in my forties and it was all to do with how she was raised herself and her poor relationship with her mother.

There are a million possible reasons - your Mum may associate you with having to marry your Dad or giving up a career when you came along or something much less subtle or obvious. You may even resemble a family member who she had problems with. The reasons really don't matter as your Mum herself may not even realize she is doing it or why so there's little point in asking her. Ultimately she is very unlikely to be the Mum you want her to be and you probably do need help in coming to terms with that.
As for "everyone else has a normal family" I bet they don't !! But they aren't going to tell the rest of the world that-they'll pretend their family is normal too!