Family cut themselves out of my son's life

Better_Days

Angry_Bear wrote: »

Your last post makes me so sad for you - YOU are not the problem, SHE is.

I'm not a psychiatric professional, but I wonder if this might be useful information for you? http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

Yes that was my thought too reading this thread - the 'golden child v scapegoat' seems to be going on http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/golden-child-scapegoat.html
As others have said though it is nothing to do with the OP and may well be a result of OP's Mothers narcissistic personality.

My Mother is still playing the 'golden child v scapegoat' and I have given up trying to make any sense of it.

The website that I have linked to offers 3 options to deal with a narcissistic mother http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist.html
1) Carry on but accept she will never change and don't play her games
2) Limited contact but setting clear boundaries for behaviour
3) No contact

I have found that it has lifted an enormous emotional weight to accept that my Mother will never change. Also it is very empowering deciding how to respond. I settled on limited contact a few years ago, but may well decide on no contact if things go on as they are.

OP my brother who has children settled on limited contact (down to my lovely SIL who takes no nonsense) - but they have set very clear boundaries to which my Mother must adhere if she wants to see her grandchildren. Counselling may well be helpful for you wiggywoo9 - to help you decide how you want to go forward with both your Mother and your siblings and then support you in your decisions.:grouphug:

Are you a member of your local freecycle? You can pick up all sorts of household things - including curtains. You can also post 'wanted' to see if anyone has what you need gathering dust in a cupboard.

Take care :A

jackyann

Wiggy - there is some very helpful advice here. If you can learn academically, you can learn practical stuff as well.
I have lived in all sorts of areas, and I know that in a "bad" area there will be people like you - watch out for them (especially at the local community centre or similar)
If you need extra practical help, talk to your Health Visitor (I know you mentioned her before) and/or pop along to your local Children's Centre. Most areas have some sort of practical mentors for young mums (although it is organised differently in different places)- maybe Home-Start or similar, or someone working out of the Centre or alongside your HV.
You can ask clearly on this forum for what you need, so use that skill, and say "please can someone pop round and give me a practical lesson in cleaning & organising?" I have done this, and it is a pleasure to give advice to someone who wants to learn rather than someone who has been told to listen, or else!!
A lot of community centres do cooking lessons for free or very cheaply. Look out for them, and look up Delia's basic cookery courses and A Girl called Jack on line.
And do remember - celebrate every little achievement!

harrys_nan

http://www.home-start.org.uk/

Wiggy, get in touch with these people and see if they can help you get sorted,They do not judge at all but will help you overcome the problems you have.Do not ever think you cant do it cos you blooming can, you just need to learn, I admire you so much, you have overcome so much.
Keep your chin up my love, xx

Person_one

harrys_nan wrote: »

http://www.home-start.org.uk/

Wiggy, get in touch with these people and see if they can help you get sorted,They do not judge at all but will help you overcome the problems you have.Do not ever think you cant do it cos you blooming can, you just need to learn, I admire you so much, you have overcome so much.
Keep your chin up my love, xx

That organisation looks fantastic, great suggestion.

RAS

wiggywoo

Hope that you had a little sunshine in your life today?

Do you know a Girl called Jack?

Her recipes are pretty easy to follow and cheap http://agirlcalledjack.com/category/recipes-food-etc/

For cleaning - go for stardrops as it can be used for a LOT of surfaces.

You can clean walls really well with sugar soap but make sure that is out of the reach of SB and dog, please.

Ultimately you may need to paint things as old dirty paint remains old and slightly less grubby paint if it is too old.

Do you know about www.freegle.org.uk? You can get free curtains and paint and all sorts there.

lostinrates

Person_one wrote: »

If I were you, I'd go to your GP. Tell them how you feel.

The practical stuff can be sorted and you've got some great suggestions, but your emotions matter too.

Don't forget, the Samaritans are always there, 08457 909090

And know that noone will think you are incompetent or less able for feeling like this.

Juggling IS HARD. Its HARD being a mother, its hard being independent young person without having the responsibility of a child, a dog etc all by yourself.

You are doing Difficult things and succeeding EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Its important you know that its ok to feel ...'defeated' looking at these hard tasks sometimes. But they ARE conquer able. Just .....not all in a blink of an eye.

patanne

We all have to learn to cook and clean sometime. I was in my twenties when I married and left home & hadn't got a clue. This is over 40 years ago. You've got some good advice on how to set about it already. You are already doing great with most things & young children don't notice shortfalls in housekeeping. So the best thing you can do is stop worrying and upsetting yourself. Prioritise (I guess someone else will be along to improve these priorities but it goes something like this). Keep yourself & Wiglet clean and fed. Keep your clothes clean, bedding clean and kitchen work surfaces clean. If Wiglet spends time on the floor then keep the floor clean. See, you are already doing all this, so please stop worrying. Please remember that like me you were not taught this stuff because you needed to be kept dependent & to be made to feel incapable of coping. YOU ARE DOING WELL! I shouted that to make sure you heard me!

Abbafan1972

Have been following this thread on and off, but have had to skim through, as there's such a lot.

Whereabouts are you Wiggy? I notice you are in the West Midlands. If you don't want to put it on here then feel free to pm me.

If you want someone to talk to on neutral ground, I am here. (Don't worry I'm not some sort of nutter, just a shy normal woman, who does get lonely from time to time). It's nice to have someone to talk to, have a cuppa with.

Someone else posted a link to home start, I was going to suggest that as well.

Take care wiggy (and wiglet). x

jackyann

Most of us find things harder to learn when we are older. Stuff you learn as a child seems to go in very easily - bit harder as a young adult, and as for me, it takes me forever to learn something new at this stage of my life!

Take pleasure in learning a new skill as you do with your studies. As you go along, learning to clean & run a home, you will learn little short-cuts and the best way to do things in your own place, and be proud of it. I love learning how to do my housework with a little helper in tow - and I now get my grandchild to "make waves" when we make the bed. One of my favourite tips is to get a little one to help with washing up - put dirty washing on the floor to sop up spills, set sharp or precious things aside, wrap the little one in an apron (or don't worry if the clothes are about to go in the wash!) stand them on a chair and play with the bubbles!

Home-Start is not available in all areas - Wiggy - you can refer yourself if there is one. The nicest thing about Home-Start is that a good number of the volunteers are people who were helped themselves earlier in their lives. But if you don't have a local one, your Children's Centre may be able to offer something similar.

I reserve my greatest admiration for single parents who make a good home & life for their kids, and I have the greatest of all for those who ask for advice when they need it.

harrys_nan

Abbafan1972 wrote: »

Have been following this thread on and off, but have had to skim through, as there's such a lot.

Whereabouts are you Wiggy? I notice you are in the West Midlands. If you don't want to put it on here then feel free to pm me.

If you want someone to talk to on neutral ground, I am here. (Don't worry I'm not some sort of nutter, just a shy normal woman, who does get lonely from time to time). It's nice to have someone to talk to, have a cuppa with.

Someone else posted a link to home start, I was going to suggest that as well.

Take care wiggy (and wiglet). x

This a great suggestion, I would have said this myself had I still living in the West Midlands, I just want to hug you and Im too far away xx