Family cut themselves out of my son's life

jellyhead

Person_one wrote: »

Like Poet, I haven't posted much on this thread.

However, I'd just like to remind you (and I'm sorry if this is harsh) that your mum has never shown a second's care or concern for you, her daughter, through any of this. She didn't want to take you on holiday, she didn't want to see you, she hasn't said she misses you or loves you and wants to be back in touch with you, its all 100% about her wanting your son and you being just an obstacle to that.

Yes, and you deserve so much better than that Wiggy.

I don't know how the legal system works, and what sort of mediation she was on about, but is there an option to say leave me be for 6 months then ask again? That way you're not saying no forever.

I know it's not the same situation, but my 'lodger' has had an email from his father after 9 months of no contact, and he hasn't changed at all. 9 months is nothing to somebody so focussed on themselves being 'in the right'.

No reference to the fact that he said he was going to commit suicide that day if he didn't get away from home, no mention of his 18th birthday that wasn't acknowledged by his family (to the extent that his father kept all of the cards from other relatives instead of passing them on, and refused to let his 15 year old sister say happy birthday), no asking if he had a nice christmas (which again was provided by others with not even a card from his dad, not to him or his 15 year old sister who also lived here for 9 weeks after she ran away), no mention of his bank account which was in his dad's name re: him, which his dad closed down and kept the money, including wages he'd earned solely after he moved in with me.

Nothing to indicate any emotion or regret at all, just snarky comments about A level results and crowing that he was right all along.

9 months hasn't changed this man one bit, even though 2 of his children have run away from home permanently. He is still utterly convinced that he was always in the right, and everyone else is wrong.

Now we only have your word about how your mum is, but even if she is misunderstood and you've got it wrong (which I don't think is true, but perhaps others posters might be wondering) then asking for another 6 months of silence isn't the end of the world, it's just getting some breathing room for you. You're not cutting her off forever, just for 6 months.

Mojisola

It's only a very short time since you were talking to the police about your mother's behaviour and needing the protection of lawyers to make her stay away. If you agree so soon to mediation (which means you are willing to allow Wiglet to see her), I think you risk diluting your message and it could look as if you exaggerated the previous experiences.

While the police and lawyers will be familiar with abused people going back to their abusers, they will be frustrated at trying to help you stay safe when you want to put yourself and Wiglet back in contact with your mother.

Don't rush back - get strong and more resilient first.

atrixblue.-MFR-.

mediation isn't for this kind of situation at all infact could inflame issues and make them more complicated later on.


if mediation was a remedy the police WOULD have suggested it and helped arrange it even your solicitor would have if it was less than what the situation is, but its more than that, as they see your mum is intent on getting wiglet, and would go to abnormal lenghs to achieve it, by mediation youd open the doors of opportunity to your mum, and police would be almost powerless to get wiglet back and youd need to go to court.


your mum knows by going to her solicitor and playing the poor old grandmother done nothing wrong scenario, solicitors will be more than happy to play along with the plan your mum has in her head lined up.


just ask your legal lady to reiterate that contact is to be made through her, that mediation is not an option for this kind of case and your mums solicitor will know that if she opened his/her eyes and seen the bigger picture.


Its been a while now, and think your thinking guilty way (which is human and not your fault), your mum would revel in it and take advantage of it if you agree to mediation and see she's weakened you and beaten your strength.


perhaps a visit to your GP and ask for councelling on the issue could be just what you need to be able to vent to someone and get a fresh perpective on the matter and how to deal with them.

duchy

I think I'd be checking that "the legal lady" actually did write to the solicitor. I'm thinking maybe not as you'd have got a copy of the letter.

Yorkie1

I agree - it's possible that they may have been waiting for legal aid / the Legal Aid Agency (or whatever it's called these days) before formally writing.

wiggywoo9

I sent a message on the online advice part for legal aid as the lady wasn't getting back to me, I'll call them if I don't get a response in next few days.

Had a friend on FB have her relative die today and it made me wonder how I'd ever know about my own grandma/ wiglet's greatgrandma if she was ill or heading that way. She's 75 and I haven't seen her for months now. She didn't even write to thank me for Christmas presents which is unusual for her unless mum put pressure on her not to, or nothing was received? There's no way I can know if it didn't. My youngest sister (lets say hadn't replied to my FB message but it looks as if she hasn't been on in ages so may not even know it's there. My second sister (one with baby, lets call her A) is on FB occasionally but the things she's done and her stance on the subject makes her pretty unreachable anyway.

Someone wrote on here that my mum didn't care for ME, its all about wiglet. The way things have gone, that seems about right. I struggle with this though. WHY? How can you hate or not love your first child so much? What have I actually done to her? I go through back everything and all I did was say no to the holiday and give us some time to ourselves. I didn't say nasty things, physically hurt her, have a bad image (say if I was a drug taker or something!)- she knew I had my own home, my own courses and volunteering and had graduated successfully. I haven't been a bad daughter- I had struggles with PND and suicide which I had fought through- but I honestly have done nothing that deserves this treatment and utter cold detachment.

I could understand if I'd had bad habits or smoked or dropped out of school, or even harmed wiglet, but I haven't, just kept going and tried to better myself. And why wiglet? Why does she have such a focus on him? Is it my ex? Does she feel she has 'invested' in him by us living with her when he was a baby, been at his birth, with the addition of no father? But surely it'd be logical to then support mum AND baby?

I don't know, I could scream sometimes cos I just want a mum, to help out, to hug me, to be able to talk to without it being manipulated or thrown back. I don't have a family anywhere else cos of my dad's death and I just feel- well- like an orphan or something. Everyone in all the places I go to, all my groups, have normal families, normal weekends, sunday roast and bit of telly, I have no-one but myself. And no-one seems to get it or understand either. Do I just live my life without parents or sisters, or live with messed up ones, or what? I need a family!

KxMx

Wiggy, on Facebook it will say when a message has been read, ie "seen Sat 11:40am" with a tick.
If you aren't friends then the message would have gone not into her inbox but the "other" folder, for which I think no notification is given and it isn't obvious when there is a message there.
Hope that helps.

Mojisola

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Someone wrote on here that my mum didn't care for ME, its all about wiglet. The way things have gone, that seems about right. I struggle with this though. WHY? How can you hate or not love your first child so much? What have I actually done to her?

I don't know, I could scream sometimes cos I just want a mum, to help out, to hug me, to be able to talk to without it being manipulated or thrown back. I don't have a family anywhere else cos of my dad's death and I just feel- well- like an orphan or something.

Everyone in all the places I go to, all my groups, have normal families, normal weekends, sunday roast and bit of telly, I have no-one but myself. And no-one seems to get it or understand either. Do I just live my life without parents or sisters, or live with messed up ones, or what? I need a family!

You may never know why she has behaved like this towards you. It will not be anything you have done - it will be something in her.

It is very hard to deal with but you have been amazing in that you are being a good Mum to Wiglet despite your own experience.

Sometimes we have to make our own families out of our friends. The people you know may all have happy families but it doesn't take much reading around on just this forum to see how many people don't have good homes and good relations.

There will be times when you think any family would be better than no family but it isn't true. You are protecting Wiglet by keeping him away from the people who have treated you so badly - stick with it and you will build up connections with people who are worth spending time with.

trolleyrun

Wiggy, the way your mother has treated you is not your fault. There's nothing you have done or can do to change it. It's your mother's problem. I grew up with a parent in whose eyes I could do nothing right. I didn't realise that wasn't "normal" until I moved away. After a few years of thinking and wondering, same as you're doing now, I wrote my parent a letter asking why. It was horrid to read the reply, but I did get closure and am no longer in contact with this parent (it's been around 15 years)*. I realised that no matter what I did, it would never be good enough, so I let it go. Yes, it was very upsetting at the time, as I think of myself as a nice and kind person, but I'm now much happier as I don't have to try to please someone who will never appreciate it.

Once you find more friends, you'll find they'll be your new "family". It takes time, but you'll get there. There are probably quite a few people not far from you who don't have contact with their own family, but it's rarely talked about as it's still a bit of a taboo imho. Your mother might never give you the family life you long for, and to be honest I'd rather be happy on my own than dealing with dysfunctional family members. You have Wiglet, Waglet and us. I know an e-family isn't ideal, but we're still here.

*I'm not suggesting you write a letter to your mother, by the way, just telling you a little bit of my story.

thorsoak

Sweetheart - reading this last post of yours one point screams out loud to be - COUNSELLING! Go to your doctor, tell him/her exactly what you have posted here, and ask if counselling can be arranged. It will do you good to talk this through with a trained counsellor.

If the doctor can't help you, then maybe you might find that you could use the services of the university - they will probably have counsellors who could help.

{{Hugs}}