Son in a difficult situation

FBaby

we do know our son very well and he would soon get used to the status quo and revert back to old habits even if we did start out by laying down some restrictions, cooking/cleaning/washing etc. If, however, he got himself sorted out financially then the situation would change and he would be welcome to stay temporarily until he got something else sorted out, but as it is now, we simply cannot afford him to have him here under his current situation.

Surely it is not just about starting out laying rules, but also about making sure he follows them through. He can only do what you let him get away with. If you set the rules and then he starts breaking them, it is the time you tell him he's got to go, but at least you gave him a chance.

Surely if he got a job, then he would much less of a need to come and stay with you. To be honest, it sounds like it is more to do with money than providing the emotional support and shelter he needs from his parents.

As far as childcare goes, my son's partner is at home to see the older child off to school then home again when he gets home. It's only the 2-year old that needs care during the day. She is still expecting (and rightly so) for my son to take her to playschool for an hour each day and sometimes they pop in to see us afterwards. Sometimes we pick her up instead as a treat. I'm hoping nothing will change, the thought of not seeing the grandchildren is too much to contemplate.

But you can't have it both way, him working, yet him still greatly involved in childcare so you have your chance to have time with your grand-children. Maybe you could indeed offer your help with both him and their mum when they discuss what is best to do with childcare.

What we need to know so we can pass it on is what benefits as an ex-househusband with children can he claim considering he hasn't worked away from the home for two years and hasn't claimed anything in his own right?

Why do you need to know that? I think you are going totally wrongly about the support you want to give your son. He should be the one doing research and finding out what he needs to do to get money, how to get a job, how to sort things out with his ex. This is where you should stay away if you want him to learn to take responsibility, however, I still believe that as a parent, your support should go to give a chance to concentrate on the above by at least knowing he has somewhere to keep warm and sheltered.

It sounds like it comes down to money. I understand you might be very stretched, but surely if you can feed your daughter's cats for her, surely you can offer a bed for your son?

paddy's_mum

Perhaps the more accurate title to this thread would have been 'Difficult son in a situation'.

OP - I really don't wish to insult you but so much of this appears to have come about because he has been allowed to sit on his backside and never had repercussions because of it. Nothing has ever kicked his butt enough to hurt. He's never cared enough about anyone to look at his own attitudes and behaviour and make changes. He's always had some daft female who'll pick up the pieces behind him, (or his dirty underwear and used crockery) smile sweetly, pat him on the head and offer to give a tenner.

It has to stop because if it doesn't, he is in for a lifetime of unhappiness, bouncing from one failed relationship to another, from one person's house to someone else's ...

What would I do in your shoes, now? I'd let him come home with a strict time limit on it - 8 weeks, the end of January? In that time, he spends 10 hours a day working. (I'm assuming that the average person works 8 hours and spends another 2 hours getting ready for and then travelling to their job.) His 10 hours can be job hunting, mowing the lawn, wiping down the bathroom and kitchen, washing the car, doing a school-run, making the beds, going for interview, part-time job - anything so long as it is productive in some form.

What cannot go on is you wringing your hands and wailing that you just know he'll lapse straight back into his bad old ways once he gets his feet back under your table, and doing his thinking for him. Back off from smothering him in Mum's love and give him space to learn things for himself.

You never know - he might decide that if he isn't going to get yet another easy ride from you, he'll get his ar#e in gear and sort out his own problems.

Good luck and stay firm.

Saturnalia

Agree with everything Paddy's Mum said, and I'd also tell your son to get signed up with temp agencies. You're in London, there are hundreds of agencies. Christmas is coming up, companies are going to be needing shop floor staff, warehouse, picking & packing and delivery staff.

That way, your son can build up his CV, get references, make contacts, get repeat bookings if the companies are impressed with him, and he gets to hear about any permanent vacancies going in the companies he temps for.

Then he can get his act together with child-caring rotas, just like every other working family has to do.

As for benefits, he'll get £71 a week JSA as a single person with the children not living with him. Minus the amount CSA takes directly from his JSA. He won't get housing benefit if he lives with his parents. He needs to get some work quickly and contribute to your household and his child properly.

dandelionclock30

I'm not convinced he'll get a job that easily even temp work is difficult to come by and employers have their pick of people at the present.
Hes been out of work for ages and employers 9/10 will chose someone with a recent upto date work history. Its not like the 1950s now and some people on here think its fairly straightforward to go out and get a job. When your in his position its not that easy.
He can try, if he wants to that is.However, do not be surprised if he has to start again from total scratch doing voluntary work or a PT course or something.
His best bet is to try and save his relationship and make ammends by helping out in the home. If she does see sense and kick him out then he will just get £71.00 JSA and no housing benefit if he comes to live with you.
Alternatively he can present himself at the homeless section at the council and they have aduty to assess him and explain his options.

Saturnalia

It is difficult to get work, but it isn't impossible. But if he doesn't make an effort he won't get work.

It's quick, easy and free to sign up with agencies so why not at least try? If he gets to speak to recruiters they can tell him how to maximise his chances.

Yes, volunteering will is a good way of getting experience and something for the CV, and adult education looks good to employers. There's no reason he can't try to find both of these on evenings & weekends and be looking & available for work the rest of the time.

That's if he's bothered - what has he been doing with himself since yesterday?

neverdespairgirl

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

I'm not convinced he'll get a job that easily even temp work is difficult to come by and employers have their pick of people at the present.
Hes been out of work for ages and employers 9/10 will chose someone with a recent upto date work history. Its not like the 1950s now and some people on here think its fairly straightforward to go out and get a job. When your in his position its not that easy.
.

In London? Yes, it's very easy to get work, if not exciting or well-paid work.

DeeWren

An update! First of all, thank you to everyone for your imput. As a mum I'm too close to the trees to see the wood so to speak which is why I asked the opinions of others who have no connection with us at all. Paddy's mum, you are not offending me. I asked an opinion on an open forum, so please say what you think.

Son popped in this morning, obviously he's still hurting from the break up of his relationship, we will give him all the emotional support her needs. He then went online and applied straight away for two courier jobs in London. He got an instant reply from one and has an interview tomorrow. It's evening work so shouldn't interfer with the child care whatsoever. As grandparents we're here to fill in the gaps. Fingers crossed that something will come of it.

He is so hurt that his fiancee has decided to end the relationship, he's gutted, but does seem to be stepping up to the plate with no help from mum and dad which is a positive step right?

For those that say there is not much work about even in London are correct, it's a myth that there is, but trying is half is half the battle. Will keep you informed because you've been truly helpful, thank you.

Dee

Errata

He then went online and applied straight away for two courier jobs in London. He got an instant reply from one and has an interview tomorrow.

That's very good news, good luck to him. Will you now give him a roof over his head whilst he looks for accommodation? Because finding somewhere to live in London as a damn sight more difficult than finding a job.

DeeWren

Errata wrote: »

That's very good news, good luck to him. Will you now give him a roof over his head whilst he looks for accommodation? Because finding somewhere to live in London as a damn sight more difficult than finding a job.

Temporarily while he sorts out something else, absolutely Errata, that has never been the problem. Having him lying around doing absolutely nothing and having no intention to do so has. I think he's beginning to accept the relationship is over and just looking to the future for himself and providing for his children. It's a horrible time and I can understand anyone in that situation can't see further than the hurt, but actually earning money and doing something productive will be helpful to him emotionally and practically - hopefully!!

Dee

neverdespairgirl

DeeWren wrote: »

For those that say there is not much work about even in London are correct, it's a myth that there is, but trying is half is half the battle. Will keep you informed because you've been truly helpful, thank you.

Dee

It's not a myth.

My brother got back from south Korea about a month ago, with 3 mates, all of whom had finished their contracts in Korea and were returning home to London. They all found work within a week - like I say, not the world's most exciting, but paid employment while they apply for longer-term, career-type stuff.