Son in a difficult situation

shegirl

lazer wrote: »

Since your son was the main care giver - I think he should be going for residency of his child.

Yeah,naturally someone who lazes on the sofa all day not bothering with the house (and maybe other things) is what everyone looks for in a parent!

supersaver2

shegirl wrote: »

Yeah,naturally someone who lazes on the sofa all day not bothering with the house (and maybe other things) is what everyone looks for in a parent!

Bit late for saying that now, the man is already a parent!

candygirl

meer53 wrote: »

OP i think your comments about why you don't want to take him back do sound a bit harsh. He's your son at the end of the day, he's hardly "a third party".

If it were my son (he's nearly 27) i would welcome him back. As Fbaby says, he needs to be clear about what you would expect him to do though.

Tough love is good, but he must feel awful knowing that his own Mum and Dad don't want to offer a roof over his head for a while until he sorts himself out.

I really don't think she's being harsh at all, just realistic and fair:D

BitterAndTwisted

What child-care arrangements has the ex-fiancee proposed once the son has moved out?

Either she gives up work completely or the son carries on providing cover while she's at work. If the latter the OP and OH won't just have one other person in the house they can ill-afford to support but possibly three.

One hopes that this disagreement can be sorted before the son is compelled to move out onto a park-bench.

Errata

OP whilst I appreciate you don't want your son in your house, isn't the caring approach to offer him a roof over his head just for a few weeks?
He has no money, yet, and even with JSA and HB he'll find it difficult to find somewhere to live quickly.
His presence in your house won't result in any extra cleaning, he can do his own washing and cooking for three is as easy as cooking for two and you can tell him to do his share of that.
He should be standing on his own two feet, but sometimes in life people make mistakes and need a hand to get on their feet.

poet123

OP from the rest of your post I very much doubt that you will find yourself able to hold out against him coming home. I couldn't do it. He may be 30 but he still needs your help as a parent until he manages to get his life back together.

DeeWren

Thank you again for your replies and comments.

FBaby and meer53, please don't think for one moment that my husband and I do not care for our son. We love him so much (he's our baby, we also have an older son), which is why this whole situation is so painful for us. If we didn't care, we'd tell him to sling his hook and not give it another thought. As it is we're worrying ourselves sick to the point that we're not eating or sleeping properly.

We know he's going through a tough time, if we're feeling bad it doesn't take much to understand how he is feeling, but as Sulkisu points out, we do know our son very well and he would soon get used to the status quo and revert back to old habits even if we did start out by laying down some restrictions, cooking/cleaning/washing etc. If, however, he got himself sorted out financially then the situation would change and he would be welcome to stay temporarily until he got something else sorted out, but as it is now, we simply cannot afford him to have him here under his current situation.

As far as childcare goes, my son's partner is at home to see the older child off to school then home again when he gets home. It's only the 2-year old that needs care during the day. She is still expecting (and rightly so) for my son to take her to playschool for an hour each day and sometimes they pop in to see us afterwards. Sometimes we pick her up instead as a treat. I'm hoping nothing will change, the thought of not seeing the grandchildren is too much to contemplate.

Dee

tesuhoha

Is there any way that your older son could put him up? Or is he living at home as well?

Errata

So the GF expects your son to carry on with the childcare? He'll look cute turning up straight off a park bench every morning because he isn't jobseeking and won't get JSA.

terryw

Just a thought. The son has a motorbike. There is a shortage of motorbike couriers/delivery drivers in London judging by the adverts. Could he not combine this with his knowledge driving?