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Son in a difficult situation
DeeWren
Posts: 18 Forumite
Hello,
Hopefully I am posting this in the correct section so here goes.
My 30-year old son is in a difficult situation. He has been living with his fiancee for five years now in a 2-bedroom council flat in our area. They have a 2-year old little girl between them and an 11-year old boy from his fiancee's previous relationship. Three years ago my son became unemployed, so after their baby was born my son's fiancee returned to her part-time job (she is a nurse) and my son became a house husband, caring for the home and looking after the children. In his spare time he has begun doing the London Knowledge to become a black cab driver. He has been doing this for about 18 months and is doing quite well. Before he started he, his fiancee, my husband and I sat around the table and we told them we would be happy to fund his "Knowledge", bought him a second-hand motorbike, bought the books and we pay for the petrol etc. We also know it can take up to four years or possibly longer ti qualify, but all of us agreed it would work out in the end.
Last week, out of the blue, his fiancee decided she wanted to end the relationship. She says she returns from work to find my son lying on the sofa, watching tv and no housework done. I can imagine that so I know she is right and I understand, but instead of talking it over (or having a good row) she just asked him to leave.
So here is the crunch. He can't return home because basically my husband and I can't afford it. My husband is a pensioner and I'm almost there. We own our own home, but even though my husband has a small occupational pension as well as his state pension we are still able to claim some council tax benefit. If my son returned home, we would loose that, but as he isn't working, he will have no income and we cannot afford to feed, clothe him, fund his "Knowledge" and pay full council tax as well. Also having no income he cannot afford a place of his own.
The obvious thing would be for our son to find a job or sign on at the job center, but the job situation as it is and the fact he has not worked or claimed benefits in his own right for over two years and paid no National Insurance contributions where is he going to find employment? Plus can he claim any benefits at all considering his situation?
Reading this back I can't believe we didn't make him have a plan B or at least continue to claim benefits in his own right or better still find a job, any job and they would have had to work it out between them what they were going to do regarding childcare. Basically we don't know what to do. I know he is 30, we are no longer responsible for him, but he is our son and it's hard to tell him that. All we seem to be doing is helping him and I wonder if that's where we've gone wrong, maybe we should have stopped helping him many moons ago? Either way can anyone tell me what his entitlements are? His name is on the rent book of their flat, but only as a co-habitee? I don't know if that makes any difference? Is the local council bound to rehouse him anyway under those circumstances? Would he be able to claim job seekers allowance or unemployment benefit straight away? We just don't know?
All help and advice will be gratefully received. We are literally at our wits end, we just don't know what to do?
Dee
Hopefully I am posting this in the correct section so here goes.
My 30-year old son is in a difficult situation. He has been living with his fiancee for five years now in a 2-bedroom council flat in our area. They have a 2-year old little girl between them and an 11-year old boy from his fiancee's previous relationship. Three years ago my son became unemployed, so after their baby was born my son's fiancee returned to her part-time job (she is a nurse) and my son became a house husband, caring for the home and looking after the children. In his spare time he has begun doing the London Knowledge to become a black cab driver. He has been doing this for about 18 months and is doing quite well. Before he started he, his fiancee, my husband and I sat around the table and we told them we would be happy to fund his "Knowledge", bought him a second-hand motorbike, bought the books and we pay for the petrol etc. We also know it can take up to four years or possibly longer ti qualify, but all of us agreed it would work out in the end.
Last week, out of the blue, his fiancee decided she wanted to end the relationship. She says she returns from work to find my son lying on the sofa, watching tv and no housework done. I can imagine that so I know she is right and I understand, but instead of talking it over (or having a good row) she just asked him to leave.
So here is the crunch. He can't return home because basically my husband and I can't afford it. My husband is a pensioner and I'm almost there. We own our own home, but even though my husband has a small occupational pension as well as his state pension we are still able to claim some council tax benefit. If my son returned home, we would loose that, but as he isn't working, he will have no income and we cannot afford to feed, clothe him, fund his "Knowledge" and pay full council tax as well. Also having no income he cannot afford a place of his own.
The obvious thing would be for our son to find a job or sign on at the job center, but the job situation as it is and the fact he has not worked or claimed benefits in his own right for over two years and paid no National Insurance contributions where is he going to find employment? Plus can he claim any benefits at all considering his situation?
Reading this back I can't believe we didn't make him have a plan B or at least continue to claim benefits in his own right or better still find a job, any job and they would have had to work it out between them what they were going to do regarding childcare. Basically we don't know what to do. I know he is 30, we are no longer responsible for him, but he is our son and it's hard to tell him that. All we seem to be doing is helping him and I wonder if that's where we've gone wrong, maybe we should have stopped helping him many moons ago? Either way can anyone tell me what his entitlements are? His name is on the rent book of their flat, but only as a co-habitee? I don't know if that makes any difference? Is the local council bound to rehouse him anyway under those circumstances? Would he be able to claim job seekers allowance or unemployment benefit straight away? We just don't know?
All help and advice will be gratefully received. We are literally at our wits end, we just don't know what to do?
Dee
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Comments
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Just to clarify OP, has your son actually asked you for any help or are you taking this all upon yourselves to 'sort him out'?0
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Why are you giving up on him finding work already? He's a healthy 30 year old man. He needs to get himself a job and start taking care of himself. Has he been to the job centre yet (your post would imply not?)"One day I realised that when you are lying in your grave, it's no good saying, "I was too shy, too frightened."
Because by then you've blown your chances. That's it."0 -
Why are you giving up on him finding work already? He's a healthy 30 year old man. He needs to get himself a job and start taking care of himself. Has he been to the job centre yet (your post would imply not?)
I wondered that. If he's doing the 'knowledge' then presumably you live quite close to London so he should be able to find something.
You may/may not want your son back living at home but surely he can pay his way if he gets a job.
Is it too late for him to talk things through with his 'fianc!e'? I can't imagine why he's done nothing for years if she only works part time.0 -
So tell him he can come home -pay you rent and put the knowledge on hold until he can afford to fund it himself. You are in London - there IS work - it may not be the type of work he wants to do ....but that is tough. You and his fiance have let him live the life of a layabout. She works part-time so he could have been working all this time as well. He's 30 years old - he's a man - time to act like one and not a child. You've all enabled him -now it is time to stop-who knows if he actually starts acting like a responsible adult maybe his fiance will have him back -perhaps she's just tired of looking after an extra child.
Kick him off the sofa and applying for jobs -he can register for JSA online today -as he was the child carer he may qualify - they will ring in with an appointment within a couple of days -but he should be online putting a CV together and applying for jobs before he goes to see them.
Time for a spot of tough love-give him emotional support by all means but stop financing his loafing lifestyle.I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole
MSE Florida wedding .....no problem0 -
Are you sure this really came out of the blue?
Is he one of the partners we often hear about on here who gets angry when they get 'nagged', or who says they'll do x, y, or z and then doesn't? This could have been building for a long time and he just ignored it.
I think the best thing you could do for your son would be to have a strong word with him about pulling his weight. It may not be too late for him to turn this around and prove himself to her, but it's going to take a lot of work on his part. Do you think he'd be up to it?
He needs to start job hunting seriously, take on a significant proportion of the household chores (if she's working part-time and he's studying part-time, he should be doing at least half), and possibly move out for a trial period if that's really what she wants.
But you can't carry on solving his problems for him. What does he think he should do?Mortgage when started: £330,995
“Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.” Arthur C. Clarke0 -
Last week, out of the blue, his fiancee decided she wanted to end the relationship. She says she returns from work to find my son lying on the sofa, watching tv and no housework done. I can imagine that so I know she is right and I understand, but instead of talking it over (or having a good row) she just asked him to leave.
So it didn't come out of the blue then, did it? Or are you seriously trying to tell us that she had never mentioned to him that he was slacking and that she didn't like it?
I'd bet money that there have been many, many times that she's begged him to shape up and he has chosen to ignore her. What did he think was going to happen? Why would any woman be pleased to work hard in a profession that is widely acknowledged as stressful and then come home to squalor? He has treated her with contempt and used her as a meal-ticket. She's already got two children - why would she want to take on an overgrown kid who needs mothering?
In your shoes, I wouldn't take him back because without some tough love, and reaping what you sow, he will never learn.
My advice to him is to admit to his fiancee that he hasn't been a proper 'husband', apologise and beg her to reconsider their situation. If he can be bothered to get off his backside and be an equal partner in the relationship, they might get somewhere.
I wish them well but I have to say that I wouldn't be happy having a millstone like that round my neck.0 -
Something proactive he could do would be to write a list of all the household chores, then mark his name next to at least half of them and ask if she'd be willing to give him a month to prove he can pull his weight.Mortgage when started: £330,995
“Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.” Arthur C. Clarke0 -
Why can't he claim JSA?It's good of you to help him so much, but he either needs to get any job or claim what he's entitled to now:("You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf"
(Kabat-Zinn 2004):D:D:D0 -
Tough love here I think. Right now is a great time to at least get a xmas temp job. You can't let him move back with you. It will take him even longer then to sort himself out. A job may be just what he needs. If he did nothing all day , he is either just a layabout, or might be depressed. He needs to get out and about again. Was he always lazy? The fact you mentioned YOU should have got HIM to sort out a plan B makes me think he hasn't really bothered himself much.
That doesn't help you practically of course, but hopefully will help you not to feel too guilty if you take a tough stance now. He will need a job to pay child support if nothing else.weight loss target 23lbs/49lb0 -
What is your son himself doing about his situation OP?0
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