Son in a difficult situation

DeeWren

Thank you all so much for your quick replies. Sometimes it takes opinions from someone not emotionally connected to your situation to see the light so to speak. I feel much clearer about things now so thank you. You all seem to be with the same opinion that tough love is needed here and I think that is right. In any other situation I'd probably be saying exactly the same thing. When it's your own child, no matter how old, it's very difficult to do, but for all concerned it has to be done. As many of you are saying, the more we help him, the more help he will expect, right?

mwa, he hasn't actually asked for help apart from asking my husband in a roundabout way if he could move back in with us. My husband said no, we couldn't afford it. I'm not sure how seriously he took that?

Paddy's mum, I think you have it in one. His fiancee told me that at the moment he is doing everything he can indoors, but she doesn't see a future for them together, it's too little too late. It's sad, but I understand. It is also a reason why I would prefer if he didn't move back in, I would be the one doing all the extra washing and cooking etc and to be honest I'm not up to it anymore. Now that my husband has retired, we want to spend our time together not have a third party taking up space in our time. Does that sound harsh?

It is good to know that he can claim or at least register for JSA straight away. It is still difficult to find a job even here in London, even the simpliest jobs there are about 200 people in line in front of you, but I think he needs to take whatever, even if it's just pizza deliveries, at least he would be bringing his own money to the table. For those that asked, we live in Greater London and he knows all the areas very well now so not knowing where he was going is not an excuse.

I hadn't given a thought about his legal position with the children considering his name is on the rent book, even if just as co-habitee. His fiancee is a good mother as he is a good father so the parents splitting up is awful enough, but I know that splitting the children up, half siblings or no, would not be an option. We consider her son as our grandson, we have known him since he was a chubby five year old and we love him. The father has never maintained contact. He does not figure financially or any way in his life, my son has always considered him his son and treated him as so. The fact that my son may be seperated, from the children for any time is the most upsetting thing of all.

Thanks again to all, your opinions are very much appreciated.

Dee

sulkisu

supersaver2 wrote: »

Am not sure looking after a 2 year old and possibly the other child makes him a lazy so and so! My nearly 2 year old runs me ragged!

The other child is 11 and their mother only works part-time, so no real reason for him to be run off his feet.

Gigglepig

Good luck OP, you sounds like a nice mum and mother in law. It might be a hard lesson to learn for your son but he will hopefully come out the other end a stronger more mature man, fingers crossed if he really gets things together, his partner might take him back one day.

FBaby

You sound like a lovely person and very fair to the whole situation. As you seem open minded and able not to take side, maybe you could help matters between them? Do you get along with her?

Personally in this situation, I would take my son back on the basis that he must be going through a very tough time and need support. However, this would come with many conditions that hopefully he wouldn't like so it would help him getting on his feet. I would make it clear that you are not cleaning/washing/cooking/ironing for him, that you expect the place to remain spotless, that he can't have people over and needs to be out of the house from 9 to 5, at the library looking for a job/studying, or spending time with his child. In essence, I would make it clear that all he gets is a roof over his head and that temporarily and that if he didn't pull his weight, he will be told to leave.

meer53

OP i think your comments about why you don't want to take him back do sound a bit harsh. He's your son at the end of the day, he's hardly "a third party".

If it were my son (he's nearly 27) i would welcome him back. As Fbaby says, he needs to be clear about what you would expect him to do though.

Tough love is good, but he must feel awful knowing that his own Mum and Dad don't want to offer a roof over his head for a while until he sorts himself out.

maman

A very measured response OP and I agree with you. As your DH has already said no to him moving back in with you then I'd stick to that position as long as you possibly can.

Meantime I'd try to take a step back and let them sort themselves out. Surely his partner doesn't intend to throw him out on the street?

He obviously needs to get to the council and see if he has any rights over the flat and to the job centre PDQ, but I'm sure he knows that.:)

sulkisu

meer53 wrote: »

OP i think your comments about why you don't want to take him back do sound a bit harsh. He's your son at the end of the day, he's hardly "a third party".

If it were my son (he's nearly 27) i would welcome him back. As Fbaby says, he needs to be clear about what you would expect him to do though.

Tough love is good, but he must feel awful knowing that his own Mum and Dad don't want to offer a roof over his head for a while until he sorts himself out.

I disagree. I think (unusually for this forum) OP has got the measure of her son, and does not relish the thought of cooking, cleaning and paying for him again - basically taking care of him, especially at their age (hers and his).
I am guessing that if he was standing on his own two feet, paying his way with the only real difference to the household being an extra body in the house, as opposed to more work and a bigger drain on their finances, OP would probably have no problem with him staying their for a while.

meer53

sulkisu wrote: »

I disagree. I think (unusually for this forum) OP has got the measure of her son, and does not relish the thought of cooking, cleaning and paying for him again - basically taking care of him, especially at their age (hers and his).
I am guessing that if he was standing on his own two feet, paying his way with the only real difference to the household being an extra body in the house, as opposed to more work and a bigger drain on their finances, OP would probably have no problem with him staying their for a while.

The OP says that she doesn't want " a third party" taking up space in their time together. He needs somewhere to live, he's their son, if he can't rely on his Mum and Dad to help him, how would you think he feels right now ? His ex doesn't want him, nor do his parents. He might not be the best son or OH in the world, but he's still part of their family. All i was saying is that i couldn't do it to my son. Tough love, i can do, no problem, but see him without anywhere to live ? Never.

globetraveller

meer53 wrote: »

The OP says that she doesn't want " a third party" taking up space in their time together. He needs somewhere to live, he's their son, if he can't rely on his Mum and Dad to help him, how would you think he feels right now ? His ex doesn't want him, nor do his parents. He might not be the best son or OH in the world, but he's still part of their family. All i was saying is that i couldn't do it to my son. Tough love, i can do, no problem, but see him without anywhere to live ? Never.

but he's not your son- he's their one! They know their own son only too well. Forcing him to take action himself may be the best thing they ever did for him.

Gigglepig

meer53 wrote: »

if he can't rely on his Mum and Dad to help him, how would you think he feels right now ? His ex doesn't want him, nor do his parents. .

Like an adult? He is 30 years old and can rely on himself?
OP should not feel guilty in the least about not wanting to clean, cook and pay for 30 year old. It is not that his parents don't want him, there is nothing to suggest they don't want contact with him on adult terms.

If parents don't want a grown healthy man to move back in and be looked after like a child it does not mean they don't love him, it just means he is an adult.