No toys or blankets in allowed in cot as they can cause cot deaths?

barbiedoll

Op, if your DIL lives in New York then her birth would probably have been totally medicalised, she would have seen doctors throughout her pregnancy and the baby would have been delivered by a surgeon, probably with either a C-section birth or an instrumental birth (forceps, ventouse etc).

I have met several American women and they can't believe the midwifery care that they get here (for free too!). Midwives aren't really used in the US, so women don't get post-natal care or advice unless it is from their obstetrician. They end up seeking advice from baby channels on TV (who only want to sell expensive parenting aids), from the proliferation of parenting magazines and of course, from the internet. As most of us know, the internet can be a goldmine of information, if you know what you are looking for. Just googling advice about "feeding a toddler" brings up all sorts of sites which insist that kids should never have sugar, fat or anything remotely "sinful".....television should be banned, women should breastfeed whether they want to or not and all advice from anyone the age of 40 is obviously out-of-date.

Cut her a bit of slack, she may be suffering from PND from a traumatic birth. She may be exhausted and terrified that she is not a good mother (common to most first-time mums, I think). She may have issues with her mother that you know nothing about. It doesn't make you a bad granny because you're concerned but it doesn't make her a bad mother because she doesn't listen to you!

Americans are all a bit bonkers anyway, they have strange ideas about lots of things. They go mad if anyone feeds sweets to a child but they are quite happy to medicate a baby as soon as a bit of colic or nappy rash rears it's ugly head! And don't get me started on baby pageants! :eek:

Gillyx

poet123 wrote: »

I don't think you are over it tbh.

It will fade though and you will move past it. And for all their faults I am sure those involved really love and care for your child which will not be the case with a paid carer, or not in the same way at any rate. So, don't let this issue blind you to that and lead you to make choices which will mean your kids lose out on those relationships.

My partner feels the same as I do, maybe more strongly actually as he is constantly criticised and told how awful a parent he is compared to how he was raised.

Thankfully we now live in a different country, so there will never be any issue of child care or the likes. We just have very different ideas of parenting and nothing they or we do will change that. I haven't made any choices, they have.

I wouldn't chose to spend time with friends who treated me in such a way so I don't make exceptions for family. To me blood isn't thicker than water, definitely not, I've had close blood relatives !!!! on me from a great height and friends who'd go to the end of the earth for me, so being family doesn't excuse bad behaviour.

Anyway derailing from the original thread now

Toto

notanewuser wrote: »

Which "outdated practices" specifically?

The evidence used by the NHS re co-sleeping is out of date and inaccurate.

My HV "wasn't allowed" to advocate BLW, so I took and binned the advice she had to give re weaning.

A local trust is giving out advice re sleep training for 6 months old which is borderline child abuse (with potentially long-term impact on the child).

The NHS clamps and cuts cords routinely immediately after birth despite lots of evidence to suggest this be left until the cord stops pulsing. They don't collect cord blood to harvest stem cells.

There is no hospital in Wales that allows donations of breast milk, despite the benefits to prem and poorly babies.

They push c-sections where there's no medical need.

So excuse me if I take their "advice" with a pinch of salt until I can do my own research.

(Not getting at you, just pointing out that advice varies/is misconstrued and often out of date.).

I agree with you on many of the points you raise. However, my point was that you are, like all parents, absolutely within your rights to make your own choices based on what you believe to be right. I am under no illusion that everyone goes home and does things exactly as the guidelines say they should in fact I urge people to go home and research for themselves. My job is merely to inform people of what current evidence is telling us. My issue isn't with this at all, I was suggesting to the OP that her son and daughter in law have decided how they want to approach parenting, and that could be based on utter mumbo jumbo for all it matters, but these children are theirs and they should be respected in their decisions even if the extended family think it is all utter nonsense.

Person_one

poet123 wrote: »

No one can make you feel that way unless you allow it.

Sorry, but I hate that refrain, it takes away all responsibility to consider other people's feelings.

poet123

Person_one wrote: »

Sorry, but I hate that refrain, it takes away all responsibility to consider other people's feelings.

No, it doesn't, it gives you the armour to cope with those who don't.

usignuolo

Once again, I have NEVER made a critical comment about any aspect of their child rearing to my son or DIL. Nor have I EVER done something in defiance of how they want to raise their daughter. The incident with the television watching was simply because my DIL has decided that the grand daughter should only watch 10 minutes tv each day, but she did not tell me that (and my son confided he is not so strict when he is looking after her.)

I loved my own mother very much, even though she could be bossy, and I never wanted her to back off and keep away from being involved with raising her grandchildren. From time to time we disagreed about something but that was it, I never went into a major sulk over it. As another poster says, there were occasions when I was very grateful she could baby sit and having a familiar easy relationship with her grandchildren helped in that. And my children have very happy memories of her. What is the odd sweet too many now and then compared to that?

I would also remind everyone that I have seen my granddaughter once in the last ten months and will not see her again until after the new baby is born in the late spring (her own mother will visit first). I was in NY for 5 days. So once in 18 months and because I watch tv with her contrary to unrevealed practice, my DIL sends me to coventry for 24 hours. They do not Skype and they rarely text. They claim to have no time to do so because granddaughter's child care is a full time round the clock job for both of them (they have only had two nights out since she was born). I have spoken to her own mother and they do not contact them either much which is a source of regret to them too (her parents are wonderful people).

Some women seem to feel once they are married that they must make their own little world and cut off their own families. Sadly this seems to be the case here.

whitewing

I wouldn't be comfortable if my mother and my mother in law were comparing notes, however, I don't get on well with my mother anyway. Do grandparents usually be in close enough contact to discuss these things, if they are not bumping into each other at the grandchild's house?

Person_one

poet123 wrote: »

No, it doesn't, it gives you the armour to cope with those who don't.

Its completely normal to feel hurt when people do or say hurtful things.

neverdespairgirl

thorsoak wrote: »

But heigh ho - we've all survived - but in order to survive, we have to adapt and change. Are the babies any better for these changes? Possibly. Are babies harmed if these new regimes are not followed Possibly not. But in order to survive, we must evolve!

Well - no. You didn't "all survive". An awful lot more babies and children died before the age of 5 than do now!

neverdespairgirl

I feel very lucky reading this thread - my mother is the perfect combination of advice, help, and not taking over, ever. I think it's probable that both she and my Dad have various raised eyebrows over my son's school - no uniform, his teacher is "Catherine" instead of "Miss Smith", and so forth, but they don't ever criticise. They do help, support, love, and spend time with us, though.

In fact, I'm going to spend the weekend with my parents, and my 8 year old can go for long walks with his grandad and the dogs, make gingerbread men with my mother, play football with my brother, and let me do sod all for most of the weekend, as I'm pregnant with #2 and knackered!