No toys or blankets in allowed in cot as they can cause cot deaths?

usignuolo

Grandparents' natural instinct is to love and spoil their grandchildren, it was ever thus and if they only see them occasionally I wonder why it is considered so bad to do so . My sister went a bit OTT with raising her children, (they were her children and things had to be done her way or no way.) My mother, who adored all her grandchildren, had to back off and I still recall how hurt she was.

Fortunately my sister in law and I recognised mum had the best of intentions and just bit our tongues at things like too many sweets and ignored the unwanted advice. My m-I-l was quite the opposite. Made it clear she had no intention of baby sitting, offered no advice and showed little interest in seeing them.

I was quite hurt by that but it sounds like some of the commentators here would welcome a hands-off approach from their mothers and mothers in law. I have spent a lot of time abroad and grandmothers are allowed to play a much greater role in their children's life than many seem to be in the UK. I wonder why that is?

Gillyx

I think it's just the way it is, most modern couples want to get on and do things there way, without well meaning advice from others. At the end of the day if I need advice, I ask for it (and I do take on board the advice I'm given) but if I'm happy plodding on how I am then, I don't need anyone questioning it.

R.e the spoiling, my Dad and my son have an amazing relationship, he showers him with love and affection and they spend so much quality time together. I don't get why spoiling in some peoples eyes = junk food. :eek: much better ways to spoil a grandchild IMO.

notanewuser

usignuolo wrote: »

I recently went to New York to visit my son daughter in law and 18th month old grand daughter. I took with me a hand crocheted cot blanket. My dil has previously turned down cot "bumpers" as a safety risk and now she told me that the latest advice from US paediatricians was that there should be no blankets or toys in a child's cot as these placed the baby at risk of a cot death. Is this also true in the UK? It seems to make the baby's cot a pretty grim place to be

At 18 months my (just 3) daughter could climb out of her cot, whether in sleeping bag or not. For first 8 months she slept in our bed with us (plus duvet). Ditched the sleeping bag and switched for pillow and duvet. Moved her into a full sized single bed at 19 months with pillow and duvet. She's always had at least 1 soft toy with her from about 9 months old (at her feet rather than head) and now there are so many toys in her bed there's hardly room for her!!

What a load of US childcare claptrap. I hate that people in positions of responsibility give their "advice" in such a way as to cause fear and anxiety in parents. LET THEM TRUST THEIR INSTINCTS!!!

Person_one

thorsoak wrote: »

Maybe I didn't make myself clear ......I tried to do things by the book (Dr Spock) - and of course, baby hadn't read the book, and things didn't always go the way the book said! That was when I'd get advice from my mother and mother in law! I did try to read the current books when grandchildren were babies, and only offer advice that worked for me.

It seems as if grandparents are getting a whipping on this thread - and its sad. A lot of my friends have given up work/taken early retirement to take over child minding (rearing) for their children, making the financial sacrifices that go with this and yet get very little acknowledgement of how much it helps their offsprings' financial life.

I understood your point, but it wasn't relevant to the post you quoted by hawk30.

notanewuser

thorsoak wrote: »

Maybe I didn't make myself clear ......I tried to do things by the book (Dr Spock) - and of course, baby hadn't read the book, and things didn't always go the way the book said! That was when I'd get advice from my mother and mother in law! I did try to read the current books when grandchildren were babies, and only offer advice that worked for me.

It seems as if grandparents are getting a whipping on this thread - and its sad. A lot of my friends have given up work/taken early retirement to take over child minding (rearing) for their children, making the financial sacrifices that go with this and yet get very little acknowledgement of how much it helps their offsprings' financial life.

My mum has commented many many times how different our parenting is to hers. She absolutely adores DD and I have no issues with trusting her to make the right decisions when she's got DD. (Same goes for my dad).

I was a Spock baby. When the health visitor told my mum to pur!e food for me, she did. She did as she was told.

I don't follow any books/childcare experts' advice. I deal with everything instinctively. If I need advice I ask friends/family their issues. We don't stress about our parenting decisions.

dizziblonde

My mother comes out with some corkers... a clean child is a case of child neglect and comments that if I didn't do things her way she'd report me to social service being her notable ones.

Yep grandparents can do no wrong at all.

I don't play favourites incidentally - I've bent over backwards to try to get both my mother and my mother in law involved in the kids' lives - my mother generally chooses to be more involved (with her wonderful little comments detailed above), my mother in law when she actually bothers to put some involvement in - will come see the kids and ignore them while she sits on skype to the much more favoured grandchild (she'll fly from one end of the country to the other to babysit at the drop of a hat for them - no interest in my kids whatsoever). I've invited both sets down for special occasions or just to spend time with the kids, I've spent days on end running up and down the country when they didn't want to do the travelling from their end, I've spent hours emailing photograph after photograph and updates... and, end of the day - I've just had criticism and disinterest at best, and out and out undermining of me at worst - I'm done with it and they can all just sit and be hard done by grandparents in name alone.

Would love to have either set actually be vaguely functional or remotely interested - but I've just gotten very used to grinning and bearing it, nodding and ignoring the critiques (although I would dearly love my mother to ring social services and put in a report about my kids being clean and tidily dressed for the sheer bemusement factor), and not having anyone to lean on when me and hubby are having a really bad time of it all. Neither set are of any use at all really.

usignuolo

I am sorry to hear that dizzieblonde. You would like me as a grandmother I am sure.

I do find it a bit sad, the way some posters here want to exclude their mothers from being involved with their grandchildren. My sister in law and I knew my mother's comments and actions were made with the best of intentions and that she loved her grandchildren dearly. We would never have expected or wanted her to back off and let us get on with it on our own. Our children have very fond memories of her as a result.

Toto

notanewuser wrote: »

At 18 months my (just 3) daughter could climb out of her cot, whether in sleeping bag or not. For first 8 months she slept in our bed with us (plus duvet). Ditched the sleeping bag and switched for pillow and duvet. Moved her into a full sized single bed at 19 months with pillow and duvet. She's always had at least 1 soft toy with her from about 9 months old (at her feet rather than head) and now there are so many toys in her bed there's hardly room for her!!

What a load of US childcare claptrap. I hate that people in positions of responsibility give their "advice" in such a way as to cause fear and anxiety in parents. LET THEM TRUST THEIR INSTINCTS!!!

Professionals don't police what parents do with their children, we simply provide the current evidence based advice. And yes, there will be many who say 'I did xy and z and nothing bad happened to my kids' However, since professionals have been advising parents on the current sleeping recommendations for babies SIDS has declined by 70%. Babies lives are being saved, and for that reason I will defend the stance of the professionals and challenge outdated practices which don't comply with the current evidence no matter how many well meaning relatives I may annoy.

hawk30

I have no problem with the grandparents spoiling my LO. But I will absolutely not allow them to put her in danger. As Toto has said, if you follow the safe sleeping guidelines the risk of SIDS is reduced by 70% - I don't care how many grandmothers feel aggrieved by their advice being unwanted.

Just to say, both my parents and my in-laws are wonderful. I could just do without the occasional unintended criticism of my parenting style. I was raised to be independent and a self starter and so I (and of course my OH) will make the decisions.

Gigglepig

OP next time why don't you ask in advance what your son and daughter in law would like for the grandchild, or how you can help? It might help avoid any such awkward moments - and since what people want for their kids is pretty personal anyway, your daughter in law especially might appreciate the gesture.