No toys or blankets in allowed in cot as they can cause cot deaths?

notanewuser

Toto wrote: »

Professionals don't police what parents do with their children, we simply provide the current evidence based advice. And yes, there will be many who say 'I did xy and z and nothing bad happened to my kids' However, since professionals have been advising parents on the current sleeping recommendations for babies SIDS has declined by 70%. Babies lives are being saved, and for that reason I will defend the stance of the professionals and challenge outdated practices which don't comply with the current evidence no matter how many well meaning relatives I may annoy.

Which "outdated practices" specifically?

The evidence used by the NHS re co-sleeping is out of date and inaccurate.

My HV "wasn't allowed" to advocate BLW, so I took and binned the advice she had to give re weaning.

A local trust is giving out advice re sleep training for 6 months old which is borderline child abuse (with potentially long-term impact on the child).

The NHS clamps and cuts cords routinely immediately after birth despite lots of evidence to suggest this be left until the cord stops pulsing. They don't collect cord blood to harvest stem cells.

There is no hospital in Wales that allows donations of breast milk, despite the benefits to prem and poorly babies.

They push c-sections where there's no medical need.

So excuse me if I take their "advice" with a pinch of salt until I can do my own research.

(Not getting at you, just pointing out that advice varies/is misconstrued and often out of date.).

poet123

Having read that the OP lives in a different country to her grandchild and has few opportunities for contact with her I think it was churlish for the DIL to sulk over the TV issue or even mention that the blanket could not be used.

Why spoil a visit for the sake of a smile? You can then go on to do your own thing, especially when she will be off home across the other side of the world.

As new parents we all had unwanted advice, that is the nature of the beast, everyone has their own ideas and suggestions and they don't hesitate to pass them on. Smile sweetly, look like you are taking it onboard and do what suits you. If you are lucky there will be a nugget of gold in there somewhere that one day may come in handy!!

My kids had loads of love and care from their grandparents. Were there times when I could have done without the advice? You bet, but equally there were times when I was so grateful they were there, and looking back, my kids have such fond memories of them all that biting my lip on occasion was a small price to pay.

And of course, by the nature of the relationship it is finite......

supersaver2

Agree wholeheartedly Poet, not speaking to your MIL for 24 hours over a bit of telly watching seems very childish to me.

I've bitten my lip plenty of times when my MIL or Mum have given advice on how to raise my little girl, I'm not keen on bad feelings and sulks so just nod and then carry on doing my own thing!

Gillyx

In my (albeit limited) experience, grandparents (mothers in particular) have acted like the mum in certain situations and I've felt pushed out, undermined and useless, which is wrong IMO. I just feel like they've had there chance to do what they think is right when bringing up there children.

In this instance it seems like the OP is put out because her DIL doesn't want to parent, how she parented. In the words of Oprah, when you know better, you do better. Car seats didn't used to be compulsory but they are now.

poet123

Gillyx wrote: »

In my (albeit limited) experience, grandparents (mothers in particular) have acted like the mum in certain situations and I've felt pushed out, undermined and useless, which is wrong IMO. I just feel like they've had there chance to do what they think is right when bringing up there children.

In this instance it seems like the OP is put out because her DIL doesn't want to parent, how she parented. In the words of Oprah, when you know better, you do better. Car seats didn't used to be compulsory but they are now.

But is that not personality dependent? No one can make you feel that way unless you allow it. If you want to do something a certain way and they counsel differently, smile, say thanks, but this way works for me.

notanewuser

Gillyx wrote: »

In my (albeit limited) experience, grandparents (mothers in particular) have acted like the mum in certain situations and I've felt pushed out, undermined and useless, which is wrong IMO. I just feel like they've had there chance to do what they think is right when bringing up there children.

In this instance it seems like the OP is put out because her DIL doesn't want to parent, how she parented. In the words of Oprah, when you know better, you do better. Car seats didn't used to be compulsory but they are now.

On the other hand, I subscribe to the "takes a village to raise a child" approach. Grandparents have a different relationship with grandchildren than parents do with children. The additional distance (generationally) gives them a viewpoint almost from an outsider's perspective. We are parents 24/7 and sometimes it's hard to see the wood from the trees when you're living with small children and babies day in day out. I value the insight of my parents (geographically close and involved in DD's life absolutely) and my nan (geographically distant but boy has she seen it all!) over that of my sisters in law and mother in law (who have chosen a completely different way to parent their children), but that doesn't make their (minimal) input any less valuable overall.

I think it's very unfair when new parents (and I know several) don't want mum's involvement in the early days, but expect free childcare when they go out or return to work.

Gillyx

I'd never expect free childcare, and we currently don't use any childcare at all but when we do itl be from a paid childminder or nursery.

No I don't think it's about the type of person you are, a first time mum, who wants to cuddle her baby and to have someone ask if you wanted to bath them, telling said person no, and the minute you put baby down into there basket while you nip to the loo, you come back and bath is ran, baby has been woken and half stripped. Yes that did make me feel pushed out and complete bombarded.

I hate that any ideas I may have are poo pooed and I'm told that I'm harming my child or I'm stupid just because I'm not doing what was the norm in the 80's. That is the reality of what I'm living with. Baby led weaning for example, I was half starving my child and if I am struggling with weaning I should be going to my HV. My child was never dressed correctly, he was either too cold or too warm, he shouldn't be sleeping so long at night. Blah blah blah. Now I just nod and smile and spend as little time as possible listening to it.

poet123

Gillyx wrote: »

I'd never expect free childcare, and we currently don't use any childcare at all but when we do itl be from a paid childminder or nursery.

No I don't think it's about the type of person you are, a first time mum, who wants to cuddle her baby and to have someone ask if you wanted to bath them, telling said person no, and the minute you put baby down into there basket while you nip to the loo, you come back and bath is ran, baby has been woken and half stripped. Yes that did make me feel pushed out and complete bombarded.

I hate that any ideas I may have are poo pooed and I'm told that I'm harming my child or I'm stupid just because I'm not doing what was the norm in the 80's. That is the reality of what I'm living with. Baby led weaning for example, I was half starving my child and if I am struggling with weaning I should be going to my HV. My child was never dressed correctly, he was either too cold or too warm, he shouldn't be sleeping so long at night. Blah blah blah. Now I just nod and smile and spend as little time as possible listening to it.

And that is what we all eventually learn to do. Smile and rise above it.:D

Gillyx

poet123 wrote: »

And that is what we all eventually learn to do. Smile and rise above it.:D

The sad thing is, and it makes me sad inside, because of the overly pushy natures of some people, some relationships are just tense now and damaged when they were great before. I'm over it, but it also means we all spend less time together, which is not how I imagined it to be

poet123

Gillyx wrote: »

The sad thing is, and it makes me sad inside, because of the overly pushy natures of some people, some relationships are just tense now and damaged when they were great before. I'm over it, but it also means we all spend less time together, which is not how I imagined it to be

I don't think you are over it tbh.

It will fade though and you will move past it. And for all their faults I am sure those involved really love and care for your child which will not be the case with a paid carer, or not in the same way at any rate. So, don't let this issue blind you to that and lead you to make choices which will mean your kids lose out on those relationships.