Is he being kind or deceitful?

paulineb_2

Emoticon wrote: »

Sorry? What is the giant lie????

Its possible that he is with this woman, sees her during the week and tells her hes working away at weekends.

I dont think hes necessarily married, but he could very well have someone else.

The reluctance to tell his friends and family about you speaks volumes.

You dont even know hes paying her a penny.

Person_one

Emoticon wrote: »

Sorry? What is the giant lie????

I suspect you'll find out if you stick with him for long enough.

Everything about this situation is massively suspicious, you obviously have your misgivings too or you wouldn't have posted.

His dishonesty is no reflection on you, I'm sure most of us have been taken in by a convincing liar at one time or another.

System

Several months into our relationship we discussed previous relationships (as you do) and he openly told me about Alice with whom he had a longish relationship although they never lived together and whom he stopped seeing since she moved 200 miles away

The relationship ended because she moved away so why is he still hiding you? He's got every right to get a new girlfriend, just as she has of getting a boyfriend.

Not only that, he is putting her feelings before yours. No, i'm sorry, that's really not on. I think he's still hung up on her.

barbiedoll

Oh, this is just a ridiculous situation! He pays "Alice" (Sex worker? Wife? Mother of his child?) a quite large sum of money each month, he hasn't seen her for years but speaks to her on the phone for ages, none of his friends and family have met you or even know about you and you say that you are in a relationship with this man?

How does he pay Alice, does he send a cheque or is it a standing order type of thing? If it's a steady, regular payment, he is either paying a debt, paying for a service or paying the CSA. He could be the world's kindest man but in that case why hide you? If Alice is so fragile that she may have a "breakdown" if she finds out about you, how come she is quite happy to work, spend his money and still not see him for 5 years?

You need to ask him a few searching questions, having a key to his bachelor pad doesn't mean that he has nothing to hide. Personally, I'd get the number from his phone and call Alice myself. Who knows, a man or child may answer, it could be a "business" number (if you know what I mean!)

Either way, I wouldn't dream of committing to a man with so many secrets!

*max*

Emoticon wrote: »

Sorry? What is the giant lie????

Really? I'd say a secret double life is pretty high up on the lying scale...

bagpussbear

OP have you ever seen him on a weekday?

Hermia

poet123 wrote: »

OP I am perhaps fortunate that I have never been badly treated by any man so usually I see good. And that may be the case here, there are genuinely kind men out there who would feel guilty about ending a relationship with someone who was too ill to have much of a life without them. So, I can see that, I can even see him not wanting to hurt her by telling her about you, but I really struggle with the fact that as your relationship deepened he did not introduce you to his family. Assuming he has a reasonable relationship with them.

I agree. It is the lying and not telling the family that is the issue here and not the supporting the ex. I do know people who felt guilty about splitting up with an emotionally-fragile person and did continue to support them in some way. But, in every case all the people around them knew about it. Some may have been worried about the ex finding out about a new partner, but they weren't worried about their parents etc finding out.

Gleek

Something is not right. Even if he's telling the truth - it's not right. After all, you've been together three years and you've said it's evolved into something deeper.

I think he needs an ultimatum. It either changes (at the very least he tells her about you (complete with you speaking to her) and tells the family that they've split up and he's met someone new or you walk away.

Easy for me to say - I'm not emotionally involved, nor do I know him. Same for everyone else who has replied - surely that rings some jingle bells as to how suspicious his behaviour is.

I know it's hard to walk away but do you really want to spend however long you have left just making do and putting up with it and being a secret 'bit on the side'?

Gleek

Emoticon wrote: »

He says that she is so busy telling him all her problems that she never asks him about how he is nor seem to take any interest in his life at all.

So why bother if she has no interest in him as a friend/person? Especially to the level of so much money per month?

FBaby

OP, how well off is he? To be fair, I think it makes a difference if he has £1,000s every month he doesn't know what to do with (and spoils you in accordance) than if he is struggling to make ends meet with the money he gives her.

Also, you say you have now ended it. How long ago was it? What attempt has he made to reassure you that you got it all wrong and didn't want to lose you over nothing....because if nothing is going on AND he does love you, surely he wouldn't just accept you ending the relationship without fighting at least a tiny bit to have you back?