Is he being kind or deceitful?

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I am a 50 something woman who has been in a relationship with a single man for the last 3years.

We don’t live together but spend some weekends together aswe live in different towns. We get along very well in the majority of ways andboth enjoy our enthusiastic love life.And have recently thought about planning a future together.

Several months into our relationship we discussed previousrelationships (as you do) and he openly told me about Alice with whom he had alongish relationship although they never lived together and whom he stoppedseeing since she moved 200 miles away. They are still in touch by phone onlyand still affectionate – all fine with me. However he also volunteered to tellme that he sends her a few hundred pounds every month as she is ill and cantwork much and he feels sorry for her. She has had a lot of bad luck with familyand previous failed abusive marriages. He told me he hasn’t seen her for over 5years as Alicealways seems to find an excuse not to. Usually illness or some mishapcoinciding with plans. So before he even met me he stopped trying to makearrangements to meet her, even if onlyfor a coffee.

Due to his continued feelings for her he has never told her anythingabout me and if she phones when I am there he either wont answer the phone ortakes the call in another room (sometimes very long calls). We don’t talk aboutit much but every time I point out to him that he is not being fully honestwith her and that I feel uncomfortable about being “the other woman” to Alicewhom he never even sees, he says he is her only emotional support in the world andhe is scared she will have a nervous breakdown if he tells her he has moved onromantically.

I have reassured him that I wouldn’t want him to stop beingAlice’s friend or trying to even stop an occasional social meeting.as well asphone contact and that if he can afford to be kind in sending her money, that’snone of my business. BUT I find the situation really odd and it makes me feel veryuncomfortable.

In the past year or so he has assured me he will pluck up thecourage to tell her but delays it because either she is ill or has a crisis orhe is stressed at work…or some such excuse.

I have reached a point where the situation is nagging at meso loudly I have stopped seeing him despite all the other aspects of ourrelationship. I just don’t know if I ambeing unreasonable or if he has an emotional problem that I should be wary of.

Any ideas/opinions gratefully received from you wise ones:o

paulineb_2

No you arent being unreasonable, I couldnt be in a relationship with someone under those circumstances. Too weird. His priority should be you.
Its not.

Tropez

I was understanding with him up until your fourth paragraph.

There's something odd and peculiar to me about that relationship. I'm not saying he's stringing either of you along or anything but something is quite off about it.

I have a friend who was a former girlfriend. I was with her for a couple of years, we broke up, we've stayed close friends. My partner is aware of her, has met her, is now friends with her herself. I've never felt the need to hide my former relationship with my partner, not to hide my current relationship with my ex.

Obviously, I don't know the full details regarding Alice, how vulnerable she is, how ill she is, how she may react to things etc. but at the very least this sounds rather unhealthy.

McKneff

I can only agree with the other two posters, you are not being unreasonable.

And just to point out, you said he is not being fully truthful with her.

He is not being fully truthful with you either.

You've done the right thing, he is being far too unreasonable and finding far too many excuses not to tell her.

Good luck.
Annie

tea_lover

So she's too busy/ill/whatever to ever see him, but at the same time she'd be heartbroken at him being with someone else? Even though he hasn't seen her for years?

None of that adds up. I'd be running a mile tbh.

Also find it interesting that you put you were in a relationship with a single man. Very much sounds like that is how he sees himself too.

globetraveller

are you sure that is not his wife?

Gigervamp

It sounds like Alice is fleecing him. He sends her 100's each month and yet something always comes up when he wants to meet up with her?

paddy's_mum

They are still linked in some way whether that be by marriage, a joint debt or a child he fathered. Do you know for sure that she lives many miles away?

It all sounds too secretive and complicated to me and I sure as hell wouldn't accept being kept as some secret ... he is making you hole in the wall - not good. Who wants to feel that there's something sordid with their relationship ...

aileth

So he's sending hundreds of pounds to a woman he never sees and hides the fact you exist from her.

Any letters from the CSA knocking about his house per chance?

LEJC

I think that your relationship will never develop beyond what it is now....alice is clearly a fixture and that isnt going to change.

if you are happy with the current situation then thats for you to accept but I think that nothing else will develop from it whilst she is still in the frame.

Its hard to tell you to ditch this man,if you enjoy his company and are happy for things to remain casual and as friends with benefits then thats for you to decide.
Most men of that age will usually have some baggage or at least a past and its now up to you to decide if what he has is too much for you to contemplate in the relationship.

How would you like to see the relationship that you have with him develop?

Having been with him 3 years you should be at a point where you can talk openly and honestly with him about the way forward...and address the situation of Alice further.


I too wondered if there is child involved...

tea_lover

Also the fact that he won't take the calls when you're there would be ringing massive alarm bells for me. What do they talk about that's so secret? Why is he sending her money? Sounds very much like they could have a child.