Is he being kind or deceitful?

FBaby

He is so pulling the wool over your eyes.

So you've been with him 3 years, I assume separated from your husband for some time now, and not only you haven't met his brother BUT his brother doesn't know you exist...and still think he is with Alice.... The excuse of the marriage is so pathetic....Might possibly have washed out at the beginning, but not 1, 2, 3 years on. Still, this one is not the biggy, this one is:

Though she hasn't agreed when, as she "isn't well at the moment"

So nothing new there at all and he can continue to use this excuse for however long can't he...

I have a final deadline of Christmas - after that I am out of it.

CHRISTMAS...that's still 2 months away...why should he take him two months to make a simple announcement to his 'friend' that he has a partner??? Why does he needs to tell her face to face when she is 'only' a friend, when she supposedly had made it clear she doesn't want to see him anyway.

Why can't you see the obvious that he has had some sort of a relationship with this woman all this time. Remember the statement 'if she was romantically involved with someone else, he would stop the payment'....

You have been taken for a fool and you giving him more opportunities to do so. Tell him that you expect him to tell 'Alice' within one week and you want to be in the room when you hear it because how can you trust it otherwise? No need to meet. If he doesn't agree to that, then that is your proof something has always been going on and that something is more important than you.

paulineb_2

Emoticon wrote: »

Last night he and I had a long heart to heart phone call.
He has promised he is:
A.going to tell his brother about me today (during an existing planned event). He will tell him we met through internet dating (well almost true) and delay in revealing my existence was because initially I was still wed and he was unsure where it would lead (partly true).
B. He has called Alice and has pressed her for a meeting (he wants to break the news face to face rather than phone/letter). Though she hasn't agreed when, as she "isn't well at the moment"

If he is the genuine one it may be that she fears the withdrawal of his financial support if they meet and so she's going to try and string him along. (Though if he does or doesn't stop paying her is irrelevant to me) He says if she does keep delaying, he will albeit reluctantly tell her over the phone.

Of course IF he isn't genuine, like everyone else seems to think, then he knows our relationship is over.

I have a final deadline of Christmas - after that I am out of it.

I do love him but not unconditionally - I will stand my ground.

The next time we meet (if we do) it will be with his brother there. He assures me he is proud of me and feels his family will be pleased he has a loving partner to replace Alice who they think is "odd"!! (lol) Well they haven't seen her for 6 years!

I will update as things develop but due to the direction this thread has taken I don't particularly want to muddy the waters any further. Thanks to those that believed me.
Emoticon

So youve to be partly responsible for the fact that he hasnt broken the news that you exist sooner, the fact that you were married?
What a load of crock. Is he also going to tell his family that he pays a few hundred pounds a month to Alice and has done for the last few years?

If hes really serious about you, he'll phone Alice, tell her to politely exit his life and unless that money is paying for a child, stop the payments to her immediately, anything else just is not good enough.

Hes a liar, he cant even come clean to save your relationship, I wouldnt want to be within 100 miles of anyone like that.

FBaby

To add. Who called you last night? Because it's amazing how he can have the discussion as to whether to break up with you or not on the phone, but not with a supposed 'friend' he hasn't seen for years who he is giving money to just as a goodness of his heart... see how it just doesn't wash at all when you look at it from the outside?

duchy

carefullycautious wrote: »

Maybe Alice is really Alan, built like a brick ####house and has put the fear of god into our nice kind caring sub. Now that would be a good sequel to fifty shades.

How on earth would you introduce someone you had met on one of these sites to your family without ever slipping up.

I'm exhausted just thinking about the implications of all this.

To the op I would just say that if you are not comfortable with what is going on then you have done the right thing, how do you know this man is not grooming you for far worse things to come. You need to keep safe whether you are 50 or 15

I think it's really a bit odd how many people have focused on the "what they do in bed" aspects. Missing out entirely on the fact it doesn't matter where or how you do it- relationship problems all boil down to the same issues. In this case an ex who is still around in a way that impacts on the new relationship. Yes it needs sorting but it has nothing to do with BDSM.

As for "how do you introduce someone you met on one of those sites" that's just plain silly. How many people here have met partners on internet dating sites....gone on to get married etc and have never told their families they met on a dating site. It's no different. I don't know what the majority of my friends or family do sexually - for all I know they have a dungeon or are married but celibate - don't know and honestly don't care ....and don't suppose they wonder what I and my partner do in private either.

busiscoming2

Perhaps it's me but I find it strange that a man of his age (unless he has no contact with his family/friends regularly) couldn't just have mentioned being with you in everyday conversation? Why does it have to be at a face to face meeting?

If Alice is that fragile then she must have something terribly wrong with her, if she couldn't take being told over the phone about the end of their 'relationship' when she hasn't 'been able' to see him for so many years.
I wonder why he has never just gone up there and surprised her, for if he means so much to her, surely she would have been overjoyed at the effort he had made?

jetplane

I also think it's sad that the post has focused on the bedroom aspect because the real issue is what is the boyfriend hiding? The sex life is relevant only if Alice is blackmailing him because of her knowledge.

OP only you know why you've waited this long before it matters so much. But for me I would need this man to be totally honest about the whole Alice relationship, like you I would not snoop but I would expect enough information not to doubt him. I would want it now not Christmas. That way I could move on either with or without him.

Is he kind? Perhaps he is a generous man who can afford to subsidise her this way, perhaps he believes that he must protect her emotionally. Perhaps he thinks he does this out of kindness.

Is he deceitful? Yes he is deceiving Alice and if he can sustain that sort of pretence for 6 years then he may also be deceiving you.

Could Alice be in prison or some institution? Really he should not keep you guessing.

poet123

Emoticon wrote: »

Last night he and I had a long heart to heart phone call.
He has promised he is:
A.going to tell his brother about me today (during an existing planned event). He will tell him we met through internet dating (well almost true) and delay in revealing my existence was because initially I was still wed and he was unsure where it would lead (partly true).
B. He has called Alice and has pressed her for a meeting (he wants to break the news face to face rather than phone/letter). Though she hasn't agreed when, as she "isn't well at the moment"

If he is the genuine one it may be that she fears the withdrawal of his financial support if they meet and so she's going to try and string him along. (Though if he does or doesn't stop paying her is irrelevant to me) He says if she does keep delaying, he will albeit reluctantly tell her over the phone.

Of course IF he isn't genuine, like everyone else seems to think, then he knows our relationship is over.

I have a final deadline of Christmas - after that I am out of it.

I do love him but not unconditionally - I will stand my ground.

The next time we meet (if we do) it will be with his brother there. He assures me he is proud of me and feels his family will be pleased he has a loving partner to replace Alice who they think is "odd"!! (lol) Well they haven't seen her for 6 years!

I will update as things develop but due to the direction this thread has taken I don't particularly want to muddy the waters any further. Thanks to those that believed me.
Emoticon

I think I was one who said he could be kind.....

OP this is taking it too far. If you have put your cards on the table and if he really wanted you above all else, at this point he would be sorting it out.

What he has done is carefully reconstruct the same old, same old, wrapped in a blanket of faux action.

Nothing will change here.....Christmas is two months away. Really, he is walking all over you now.

Ring him back say you have reflected and decided that you do not wish to string it out till then, if she will not meet him, he has asked, it is her who will not comply, she may never comply, so if he is doing it from kindness he should realise he has done all he can to mitigate the blow.

So, if he wants to save your relationship he needs to act this weekend and call her within your hearing and tell her about you.

The money may not be an issue to you per se but it is what it represents that is the issue; a tie, a commitment, a bribe, a blackmail payment. It needs to stop.

OP you sound like a strong woman, but you are now facilitating this man to treat you badly, and he will unless you are firm.

Wilma33

OP, if he really cared about you he would call "Alice" immediately to tell her he is in a relationship with you. He would then let his close friends and family know about you and arrange for you to meet them soon. This would take an hour max, not until xmas!

aileth

Do his family know he is funnelling funds to Alice?

paddy's_mum

Emoticon - I refer you to my previous post number 86 in which I said that without a bedrock of honesty there is no relationship.

This relationship cannot thrive or survive until and unless HE begins to be completely honest instead of drip-feeding the truth to you. He knows you have doubts but is doing next to nothing about altering the situation except to serve you the same old things just done up in different wrapping paper.

Why couldn't he have invited you over last night (or this morning even) and in front of you, phoned those people who he's hiding you from and told them his news. Are his family such screwballs that he thinks they're going to be sending round three neanderthal blokes with baseball bats to punish him for upsetting smothering Darling Mummy ...?

WHY has he got to travel 400 miles to break the news face to face? Is it unreasonable to say to her on the phone "look - I've met someone ..."?

As it is, he's keeping you at arm's length, not allowing any intrusion into his deepest thoughts and also keeping his emotional running shoes in good order.

Your opening question was 'is he kind or is he deceitful'. In my opinion, he is both. He's being kind to Alice (far, far too kind) and deceitful with you.

Why isn't he scared that he's about to lose you? In his situation, a genuine man would be running about like a scalded cat shouting about you from the rooftops if that was what it took to stop you ending a relationship that he valued.
.
In your shoes, I'd be doing a bit of sleuthing simply because my curiosity wouldn't let me rest and carry on dwelling in this limbo. Christmas? How about Hallowe'en instead?