Is he being kind or deceitful?

Emoticon

:(During yesterday's heart to heart,,,I expressed my doubts about the motives to his continuing support of Alice. The conversation ran like this:


"Me: There is not another person in this world who would dowhat you are doing. Are you expecting me to believe you are a saint?

Him: I imagine her getting hysterical, ranting, saying thatlife is unbearable etc and wanting to kill herself

Me: She might say that yes. Ppl can emotionally blackmail anyone else. So, you are allowing her to do it

Him: no - I am not a saint lol, I'm just a guy who got involved with someone (Alice), it didnt work out but rather than admit failure and to being a complete loner at the age of 50 I allowed the situation to linger as an emotional crutch to convince myself I am not alone and that someone cares for me and depends on me…. then when you came along -I now understand what real love and care is all about

Him: I know that feeling sorry for someone and pitying them can be destructive -

Him: essentially I am just crap at handling the important stuff in life"

He has promised to go and see her and tell her he is "moving on with me" with or without her agreement, when work allows (he really does have a full-on job- that much I have evidence of..... too sensitive to post here exactly what it is).

Even if he is genuinely kind this has now made me wonder if his emotional immaturity will be more of an issue in the longer term.

Maybe he would expect me to have the strength for both of us....been there, done that, got the Tshirt, don't want to go through that again!

:(

FBaby

It is hard to analyse things because people react/feel differently, but if it was me in your shoes, I would certainly had not let the conversation stop there. After his statement that he met you and found out what love really was all about, I would have said 'well because of your inability or unwillingness -I can't work out which one it is- you are taking the risk right now to lose it all for someone who you claim you have moved on from'

Him: essentially I am just crap at handling the important stuff in life"

Only in the last few months, I had two friends who have been in serious questioning of their relationship telling me both that this was the conclusion their boyfriend came up with when questioned about their lack of action/commitment. They both saw it as an admission of vulnerability and because both of these friends are lovely, loving and caring people, they took it as the need to protect these boyfriend.

I've been there with such men who cry pity for their lack of ability to control their lives the way they want....they are either totally manipulative and very much selective of what they do control and what they pretend they can't, or they are indeed unable to sort themselves out, and that goes for many other aspect of their lives, money, decisions about the future etc... and in the end, who wants to spend the rest of their lives with someone like that? I won't relate it to your sexual preferences, however closely link I think they are to his personality as a whole, but it then becomes your choice whether to accept your partner to be submissive not just to you, but anyone else, if it is not just a sexual kink, but very much the expression of his personality as a whole.

FBaby

Even if he is genuinely kind this has now made me wonder if his emotional immaturity will be more of an issue in the longer term.

Maybe he would expect me to have the strength for both of us....been there, done that, got the Tshirt, don't want to go through that again!

Sorry, just read your conclusion after posting... it is very much the same as mine...

FBaby

PS: Did you call him or did he call you?

lostinrates

Why cannot he simply tell her he is moving on, with no elaboration? Or if she really is so fragile perhaps ( though its not my way) worth saying ' moving on' at first and then' met someone' if she calls again.

Did he elAborate or make clearer to you the tie between then or the nature if the current 'commitment' status that has tied his hands?

The emotional maturity would concern me too, and no excuse for it. But...Then I feel the same about cheating ( unless the arrangement was consensual with your husband). Not only because I think in itself it is a lack of emotional maturity in most cases but also and not least because it leads to messy situations like this where people's emotional inadequacies ( and I think most us have some) have 'the situation' and the 'secrecy' or their feelings about it as a get out clause for inadequate behaviour.....such as leaving situations with other people unresolved. This is obviously unfair on both you and Alice as well as possibly himself, depending on motivation.

lostinrates

FBaby wrote: »

? I won't relate it to your sexual preferences, however closely link I think they are to his personality as a whole, but it then becomes your choice whether to accept your partner to be submissive not just to you, but anyone else, if it is not just a sexual kink, but very much the expression of his personality as a whole.

I think that's a little simplistic. I have only met a few people who try and take their roles more fulltime certainly' but of the people I know its certainly to clear cut (and a get out clause for emotional maturity, to equate sexual dominance with emotionally strong and subission with emotionally weak or unconfident. Certainly among those I know I'm tempted to say of people who I think 'have it together' as people one could almost say the opposite if one wanted to stereotype, but I really wouldn't go that far, because among people who haven't got it together I think some I know use it as this 'get out clause. . This goes back to what Pauline pointedout earlier....that people are just people.

Gosh, I have just realised how much I talk about sex and emotions with my friends! :rotfl:

FBaby

I agree, my statement is stereotyping, but I do think one's personality and the way they express it does tend to run in many aspects of their lives.

In the case of the OP's partner, it seems to express itself quite strongly as very few people would genuinely be unable to stop giving large sum of money to an ex who they've had no physical contact with and lie about their current relationship, just so not to upset them...

But indeed, whether there is a link or not is not really relevant. Same conclusion either way.

lostinrates

FBaby wrote: »

I agree, my statement is stereotyping, but I do think one's personality and the way they express it does tend to run in many .

Agree, absolutely agree.

paulineb_2

Emoticon wrote: »

:(During yesterday's heart to heart,,,I expressed my doubts about the motives to his continuing support of Alice. The conversation ran like this:


"Me: There is not another person in this world who would dowhat you are doing. Are you expecting me to believe you are a saint?

Him: I imagine her getting hysterical, ranting, saying thatlife is unbearable etc and wanting to kill herself

Me: She might say that yes. Ppl can emotionally blackmail anyone else. So, you are allowing her to do it

Him: no - I am not a saint lol, I'm just a guy who got involved with someone (Alice), it didnt work out but rather than admit failure and to being a complete loner at the age of 50 I allowed the situation to linger as an emotional crutch to convince myself I am not alone and that someone cares for me and depends on me…. then when you came along -I now understand what real love and care is all about

Him: I know that feeling sorry for someone and pitying them can be destructive -

Him: essentially I am just crap at handling the important stuff in life"

He has promised to go and see her and tell her he is "moving on with me" with or without her agreement, when work allows (he really does have a full-on job- that much I have evidence of..... too sensitive to post here exactly what it is).

Even if he is genuinely kind this has now made me wonder if his emotional immaturity will be more of an issue in the longer term.

Maybe he would expect me to have the strength for both of us....been there, done that, got the Tshirt, don't want to go through that again!

:(

Kill herself over someone she hasnt seen in years? Even if the money stopped, still not a reason to kill yourself.

Id be asking the question why get involved and stay involved with someone who seems so unstable, (but be aware, this is his side of the story you are getting, hers may well be very different)

The fact that you have had to push him to sort things out with Alice is not a good sign at all. If someone really is that weak and not capable and wants still to tell lies to his family about why hes kept you a secret for so long, Im sorry, Id be booting them to the kerb.

I know its possible to have a casual sexual relationship for some time, but when things progressed past that part, that was the time to do something about this situation.

And hes 50, hes not 19. He should have some life experience to be able to handle this situation. Particularly as he seems to have created it in the first instance.

dragonette

lostinrates wrote: »

I think that's a little simplistic. I have only met a few people who try and take their roles more fulltime certainly' but of the people I know its certainly to clear cut (and a get out clause for emotional maturity, to equate sexual dominance with emotionally strong and subission with emotionally weak or unconfident. Certainly among those I know I'm tempted to say of people who I think 'have it together' as people one could almost say the opposite if one wanted to stereotype, but I really wouldn't go that far, because among people who haven't got it together I think some I know use it as this 'get out clause. . This goes back to what Pauline pointedout earlier....that people are just people.

Gosh, I have just realised how much I talk about sex and emotions with my friends! :rotfl:

I'm afraid I haven't read much of this thread OP, I'm sorry you are going through this. However, I have to agree with everything LIR says above. Some of the emotionally strongest, self aware and 'with it' people I know are submissives. And Dom/mes. Or neither.

This isn't about the dynamics, but you know that. Carrying two people can be hell without dynamics, when I realised I may end up doing so within them I ran a mile. Everyone needs to take responsibility for themselves first.

Please have some *hugs* if you wish, I hope this turns out well for you, whatever that may be