Is he being kind or deceitful?

paulineb_2

FBaby wrote: »

..but it didn't bother you then because you trusted him because that's part of BDSM...but then you lock him with a key so he can't use his willy with anyone else....doesn't sound very trusting to me

If it was ok then, why isn't so any longer? Nothing has changed, he said that he gave her money because she was vulnerable and it sounds like that what he is still saying, so why is it bothering you now if you trust that this is part of the BDSM and you don't have to worry about his trust?

Sorry but that all BDSM sounds like a lot of hot air to me, a way of making many excuses for behaviour that isn't really acceptable in 'normal' relationships.

I actually agree with that to a point but it will depend on the people involved. There are people who arent part of any BDSM scene as it were who will do stuff as part of their sex life that people in the scene will also do. And not everyone who isnt into BDSM will cheat on a partner or lie to them.

But the bottom line is, just because someone is part of the BDSM scene as it were, doesnt mean that they dont have the capacity to be a cheating, lying idiot.

People are who they are. I do think that some people use a certain lifestyle as a smokescreen, Ive met people who are into BDSM who were liars and cheats, but I suspect theyd have been exactly the same if they didnt have that lifestyle.

globetraveller

seems to me you need to take more lessons on being a domme! Looks more like you are the sub. TELL him you HAVE to hear the phone calls!!

FBaby

It sounds to me like it has nothing to do with either being nice or deceitful, just about how your interpret the 'rules' of BDSM...clearly OP now consider them different than her BDSM partner.

Emoticon

globetraveller wrote: »

seems to me you need to take more lessons on being a domme! Looks more like you are the sub. TELL him you HAVE to hear the phone calls!!

Lol I think you have mistaken Domination for Domineering.

Men want one of those....you work it out as you are so clever.:p

lostinrates

hazyjo wrote: »

No biggie, was probably thinking more in the way of messenger where you type. Presume skype is more face to face so suppose that wouldn't really apply...

Jx

I use Skype mainly as voice calls. Not like FaceTime. Because its wha suits me best . . DH uses it more as face to face thing. .

We don't use it like messenger at all unless trying to fond out if lined up ready for a call.

ciderwithrosie_2

I've read all this thread and the way I see it is this...

He's not married, he doesn't have a child with Alice but he certainly occupies a fantasy world with her and with you.

To say she is emotionally fragile and the news of him having another relationship would break her and he pays money to her every month, it's like a Victorian melodrama is it not? Sounds like something out of Wuthering Heights or Jane Eyre - are you sure she's not locked in an attic somewhere?

Throughout this, he is the 'romantic' hero - the lone support, the comfort provider, the financial saviour, of course he doesn't want to let go of this, they are bound together by some imagined 'need' for each other. Nobody can be in any doubt that this is not a healthy situation.

Unfortunately, as you did not meet in usual circumstances or want a conventional relationship in the beginning, it would always be hard to bring this into the 'normal'. Perhaps, as he has kept you a secret from his family for so long, he doesn't know how to introduce you now, as inevitably, there will be questions about how you met etc.

You are wishing to break out of the fantasy realm you have created to present to the world as a proper couple, yet despite his words, it looks like he wants to remain firmly in it, hence you have to remain the 'dirty little secret'. Sorry OP but I don't think you can have your cake and eat it. If you let your bedroom preferences spill over into everyday life then I think you have to accept that things will rarely be straightfoward.

Emoticon

Errata wrote: »

This thread is almost as funny as the dog and the bag for life one.

Is that why the strapline you chose is "I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on "

duchy

I don't think BDSM has anything to do with the issue to be honest ......It has more to do with a relationship that started as a physical one that is evolving into something possibly more - The OP mentioned she was married when it started but isn't now so she has disentangled herself from a previous partner but her partner doesn't appear to have got to that point yet and is for some reason holding onto Alice -until he's ready to let her go emotionally he's not ready to move on with a committed relationship.

Toto

Who knew when I woke up this morning I'd spend my lunch hour googling images of male chastity belts and wondering how they a) stay on b) wee and c) not rattle like the ghost of Jacob marley whilst wandering round Sainsbury's.

Tropez

FBaby wrote: »

..but it didn't bother you then because you trusted him because that's part of BDSM...but then you lock him with a key so he can't use his willy with anyone else....doesn't sound very trusting to me

That's not really the purpose of the chastity cage. It's general use is to exchange power to the dominant partner by controlling when and if the submissive receives any form of release; it's not used just to prevent cheating but to even prevent masturbation and depending on the device used sexual thoughts in general as pain is administered through the device should the submissive become aroused. It can also be used to purposely administer pain and discomfort by engaging in arousing behaviour without allowing release from the cage.