Nervous breakdown.

Richard53

OK, I've read all ~300 posts from the start of this thread, and I've read them with a bloke's hat on.

Seems to me his behaviour towards you borders on contempt. He takes the nagging, keeps his head down, does one or two little things to show willing, and then as soon as it has all died down it's back to normal. You sould like a sensible, sorted-out person who has been very tolerant and supportive, and regardless of any depression he has had in the past, he is just using you. You do all of the adult stuff, he gets to sit and play computer games.

If you were his mum and he was 14, I would still think it was an unacceptable relationship. It needs to either change radically, and NOW, or end as soon as possible. He has form, remember. You are not the first to be treated like this.

I really feel for you, and I think you have been far too kind already. But it's not an adult relationship, and (speaking as a man who can be very lazy when he chooses), he is unlikely to change as long as he thinks you will give in after sufficient time. You don't have to respond to this, but I bet your sex life isn't going anywhere either. You've been married three years - you should be all over each other, and I bet you are not.

Get the money side sorted asap, and as others have said, do not move out and leave him in possession of the house. Best of luck with it all.

Massive hugs

paulineb_2

lostinrates wrote: »

I have to say I am uncomfortable with so many telling you what to do, but I do agree that the decision shouldn't be your families either.

It is YOURS.

If you are going to try and make it work then I think you need to maintain the message clearly that you feel that after two weeks he'll slip into old habits, and that things need to change for good. It might mean both of you have to change some things, you protecting him certainly, from financial reality as you have agreed, but also from biting your tongue about how you are feeling.

There is a difference between harping on and being honest IMO. Yes, he is falling short and being selfish, but even the most giving person cannot read your mind, and the more wrapped up in them selves have no chance if you aren't communicating well.

I think you are being tremendously strong, and whatever you decide I hope that you find contentment.

I agree, her decision. But I dont agree she should bite her tongue about how shes feeling. At the moment she is paying bills on a 75/25 split. Hes racking up debt. She has to remind him to wash and she has to threaten to leave him before he will turn a hoover on. I think its far more than falling short. Hes using her, treating her really badly and someone who really did value their marriage would make far more than a token effort to change when the chips are down. Also, when she said they would need to share finances more equally, he wasnt happy and shes repaying her dad for money he lent them for the wedding, he's not paying a penny of it.

I couldnt stay with someone like that, thats the bottom line and as Ive said before, Ive been out with some selfish people in the past who were also heavily into gaming. People have the choice to turn the pc off or the games console off and Im very aware that people can get addicted. But if its a game or your relationship/marriage, there should be no contest.

Add to that the posts the OP has made about his behaviour when he drinks and the support shes given him to get his drinking under control, reading that thread made clear to me just how much stress the OP is under and how much she has to parent him if that is the right word so that he doesnt drink to excess. And yes, it looks like he has an addictive personality, he cant drink without going over the top, hes heavily into gaming and he cant control his finances.

I do think regardless of whether this marriage survives or not, he really should get some help because if he doesnt, he could end up having a very lonely life.

Brighton_belle

I think LIR said she should refrain from biting her tongue on howshe was feeling.
Agree pretty much with everyone: this isn't a marriage. It's hard that you have family who you feel will look down on you if you Divorce but they're not living you stifling half life. Don't spend.a lifetime suffering for appearance sake: those days should be well and truely over. And you HAVE tried working on it anyway, relentlessly and now the effort is making you ill..prepare some sharp pithy responses for when your relatives trott out their little mantras.

lostinrates

paulineb wrote: »

I agree, her decision. But I dont agree she should bite her tongue about how shes feeling. At the moment she is paying bills on a 75/25 split. Hes racking up debt. She has to remind him to wash and she has to threaten to leave him before he will turn a hoover on. I think its far more than falling short. Hes using her, treating her really badly and someone who really did value their marriage would make far more than a token effort to change when the chips are down. Also, when she said they would need to share finances more equally, he wasnt happy and shes repaying her dad for money he lent them for the wedding, he's not paying a penny of it.

I couldnt stay with someone like that, thats the bottom line and as Ive said before, Ive been out with some selfish people in the past who were also heavily into gaming. People have the choice to turn the pc off or the games console off and Im very aware that people can get addicted. But if its a game or your relationship/marriage, there should be no contest.

Add to that the posts the OP has made about his behaviour when he drinks and the support shes given him to get his drinking under control, reading that thread made clear to me just how much stress the OP is under and how much she has to parent him if that is the right word so that he doesnt drink to excess. And yes, it looks like he has an addictive personality, he cant drink without going over the top, hes heavily into gaming and he cant control his finances.

I do think regardless of whether this marriage survives or not, he really should get some help because if he doesnt, he could end up having a very lonely life.

Pauline, you have misunderstood or miss interpreted what I am saying . I have absolutely said the opposite. That she should be honest about how she is feeling with him and open. And that by not being so hampers any chance of success should she want to stay.

lostinrates

Brighton_belle wrote: »

I think LIR said she should refrain from biting her tongue on howshe was feeling..

Thanks,that's right. We tend to fall into two opposing traps, one is to say too little, one is to fail to shut up.p and going over and over the same ground. Both cause problems.

Richard53

Regarding divorce: I split from my ex after 14 years and two kids, and I knew my Mum was deeply upset by it all. She wasn't particularly religious, but was old-fashioned and believed 'you've made your bed and you can lie in it'. When I first mentioned the split, she reminded me that I would be the FIRST in the family ever to get a divorce, as if this was some major disaster and a blot on the family escutcheon. And yet, when it happened, she came through in spades, being highly supportive of me and brilliant with my girls, who were naturally very upset with the whole thing.

She sent me a card when I was in the middle of it all and going mad with all the turmoil. No message, just a quote we both liked from Mother Julian of Norwich:

And al shal be wel, and al shal be wel, and al maner of thing shal be wel

and "Mum". I have it to this day.

I hope your family would surprise you and come up trumps like this, but if they don't, ignore them (especially the aunt). They haven't stood in your shoes, and they have honestly no idea what you have been through.

paulineb_2

lostinrates wrote: »

Thanks,that's right. We tend to fall into two opposing traps, one is to say too little, one is to fail to shut up.p and going over and over the same ground. Both cause problems.

Yes, misread the post.

paulineb_2

lostinrates wrote: »

Pauline, you have misunderstood or miss interpreted what I am saying . I have absolutely said the opposite. That she should be honest about how she is feeling with him and open. And that by not being so hampers any chance of success should she want to stay.

Yes, thats right, I misread the post. Understand what you mean now.

Richard53

Aileth, any update?

tayforth

How are you doing, aileth? xx