Nervous breakdown.

bargainbetty

Sod all this 'are you married to my ex', I now think you might actually be me.

My mum did do the 'You're married, got to work at it' thing, but ultimately she wanted my happiness more than social approval. I have a several relatives who give out that kind of thing, and I just smile and tell them if they didn't have a black sheep to b*tch about they'd probably get bored to death.

You've (like all of us) been conditioned to care what other people think. Our partners, family, friends, workmates etc. We are told that we must be acceptable to society and follow the rules etc. My mum says the happiest day of her life was realising that she didn't care what anyone else thought of her, and as long as she wasn't breaking any laws, she would do as she pleased.

This is between you and him. Everyone else can get stuffed. :-)

dragonette

Agree with BargainBetty. Nothing to do with them, they aren't married to him or living your life. You are. You do not 'owe' them something to stay in an unhappy marriage.

Personally I'd tell your aunt exactly where to go, but I'm sometimes too blunt with people:o

lostinrates

I have to say I am uncomfortable with so many telling you what to do, but I do agree that the decision shouldn't be your families either.

It is YOURS.

If you are going to try and make it work then I think you need to maintain the message clearly that you feel that after two weeks he'll slip into old habits, and that things need to change for good. It might mean both of you have to change some things, you protecting him certainly, from financial reality as you have agreed, but also from biting your tongue about how you are feeling.

There is a difference between harping on and being honest IMO. Yes, he is falling short and being selfish, but even the most giving person cannot read your mind, and the more wrapped up in them selves have no chance if you aren't communicating well.

I think you are being tremendously strong, and whatever you decide I hope that you find contentment.

paulineb_2

aileth wrote: »

I know, I was just curious.

No, not really. I have a feeling I will be in two weeks when we go back to square one again. No joke, each time we have arguments about these sorts of thing, he is the perfect husband for two weeks, and then literally on the eve of the 14th day he goes back to how he was.

Another thing that is holding me back a bit is that my family are all incredibly old-fashioned (as am I a bit I suppose, in divorce being the very, very, very last resort) and it'd 'shame' them a bit for me to divorce. I'm the first of my generation to be married, and my parents, aunties, uncles, grandparents (when alive) etc are all/have been married for 30+ years. I would seriously feel like the black sheep and probably be made to feel like it constantly.

With an ex who was particularly nasty to me, when I told my mum what he had done and that I was leaving him, they were ultra supportive. However, when I've rang my mum up to vent or to talk about how I feel, she is all supportive until I mention the D word, and then it's, "But you're married now, that means something you know, you've only been married 3 years, you can't just leave someone like that, you have to try and work it out, you have to stick it out." Of course, the words ring a bit hollow with me as her and my dad have been miserable for years (because of her might I add).

I know I shouldn't worry about what my family thinks and my happiness is what matters, but the fallout from everything is weighing heavily on my mind, I have to admit.

I also a particularly repulsive bossy aunt who nitpicks to hell and back (She complained about our wedding, e.g. we were on a budget so just provided a bottle of red and a bottle of white for each table during the breakfast and during the breakfast she actually came up to the top table to call us cheapskates for only providing two bottles). Then they complained that the hotel was filthy and a state to my dad, who had paid for it.

She would seriously make life hell for my parents (and me, on the rare occasion I see her) and probably wouldn't let the failure of the marriage drop for years and years.

Just thinking about everything is worrying me.

None of her business, if I were in your shoes I would have the full support of my family, its your happiness that matters not keeping up appearances.

trolleyrun

Here's a little story: my stepmother was married to a bloke many years ago. He beat her black and blue, and even beat several babies out of her. Her mother told her she brought shame on the family by divorcing him. Luckily, my stepmother's survival instinct won and she eventually got out.

I know your hubby doesn't beat you (from the sound of your posts) but he's not treating you well, is he? (Bar the last day or so). If your family would rather you be miserable than happy in the name of tradition, you need to tell them to wind their necks in.

Just my opinion, of course, but I refuse to accept that people should behave in a certain way just because of tradition/parent's say-so/etc. you are your own person and you know (deep down) what the right thing to do is.

Errata

It's upsetting not to have support from your family, but you really can't live your life according their needs and wants. Be your own woman, let them witter on about whatever they want to and ignore them, because you know full well they truly don't know what they're talking about.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

aileth wrote: »

I know, I was just curious.

No, not really. I have a feeling I will be in two weeks when we go back to square one again. No joke, each time we have arguments about these sorts of thing, he is the perfect husband for two weeks, and then literally on the eve of the 14th day he goes back to how he was.

Another thing that is holding me back a bit is that my family are all incredibly old-fashioned (as am I a bit I suppose, in divorce being the very, very, very last resort) and it'd 'shame' them a bit for me to divorce. I'm the first of my generation to be married, and my parents, aunties, uncles, grandparents (when alive) etc are all/have been married for 30+ years. I would seriously feel like the black sheep and probably be made to feel like it constantly.

With an ex who was particularly nasty to me, when I told my mum what he had done and that I was leaving him, they were ultra supportive. However, when I've rang my mum up to vent or to talk about how I feel, she is all supportive until I mention the D word, and then it's, "But you're married now, that means something you know, you've only been married 3 years, you can't just leave someone like that, you have to try and work it out, you have to stick it out." Of course, the words ring a bit hollow with me as her and my dad have been miserable for years (because of her might I add).

I know I shouldn't worry about what my family thinks and my happiness is what matters, but the fallout from everything is weighing heavily on my mind, I have to admit.

I also a particularly repulsive bossy aunt who nitpicks to hell and back (She complained about our wedding, e.g. we were on a budget so just provided a bottle of red and a bottle of white for each table during the breakfast and during the breakfast she actually came up to the top table to call us cheapskates for only providing two bottles). Then they complained that the hotel was filthy and a state to my dad, who had paid for it.

She would seriously make life hell for my parents (and me, on the rare occasion I see her) and probably wouldn't let the failure of the marriage drop for years and years.

Just thinking about everything is worrying me.

Oh no - the D word.

Best keep calm and carry on then. Can't have auntie getting on her high horse, eh?

tayforth

aileth wrote: »

I know, I was just curious.

No, not really. I have a feeling I will be in two weeks when we go back to square one again. No joke, each time we have arguments about these sorts of thing, he is the perfect husband for two weeks, and then literally on the eve of the 14th day he goes back to how he was.

Another thing that is holding me back a bit is that my family are all incredibly old-fashioned (as am I a bit I suppose, in divorce being the very, very, very last resort) and it'd 'shame' them a bit for me to divorce. I'm the first of my generation to be married, and my parents, aunties, uncles, grandparents (when alive) etc are all/have been married for 30+ years. I would seriously feel like the black sheep and probably be made to feel like it constantly.

With an ex who was particularly nasty to me, when I told my mum what he had done and that I was leaving him, they were ultra supportive. However, when I've rang my mum up to vent or to talk about how I feel, she is all supportive until I mention the D word, and then it's, "But you're married now, that means something you know, you've only been married 3 years, you can't just leave someone like that, you have to try and work it out, you have to stick it out." Of course, the words ring a bit hollow with me as her and my dad have been miserable for years (because of her might I add).

I know I shouldn't worry about what my family thinks and my happiness is what matters, but the fallout from everything is weighing heavily on my mind, I have to admit.

I also a particularly repulsive bossy aunt who nitpicks to hell and back (She complained about our wedding, e.g. we were on a budget so just provided a bottle of red and a bottle of white for each table during the breakfast and during the breakfast she actually came up to the top table to call us cheapskates for only providing two bottles). Then they complained that the hotel was filthy and a state to my dad, who had paid for it.

She would seriously make life hell for my parents (and me, on the rare occasion I see her) and probably wouldn't let the failure of the marriage drop for years and years.

Just thinking about everything is worrying me.

Your parents want your happiness above all else. They might even pleasantly surprise you! My mum is quite traditional too, and I will be the first in my family to get divorced. I had sleepless nights over telling her! But you know what? She gave me a big hug and said that she was really proud of me for having the courage to leave! And she's told other people the same thing. :A

And even if your parents don't fully support you, it's YOUR life and that's all that matters. To one friend who thought that I was being too hasty in leaving my ex, I suggested that she marry him or live with him and then she could tell me what to do.

To hell with your aunt, she can mind her own business. And, as you rarely see her, you won't have to put up with her comments about it.

bargainbetty wrote: »

Sod all this 'are you married to my ex', I now think you might actually be me.

My mum did do the 'You're married, got to work at it' thing, but ultimately she wanted my happiness more than social approval. I have a several relatives who give out that kind of thing, and I just smile and tell them if they didn't have a black sheep to b*tch about they'd probably get bored to death.

You've (like all of us) been conditioned to care what other people think. Our partners, family, friends, workmates etc. We are told that we must be acceptable to society and follow the rules etc. My mum says the happiest day of her life was realising that she didn't care what anyone else thought of her, and as long as she wasn't breaking any laws, she would do as she pleased.

This is between you and him. Everyone else can get stuffed. :-)

Couldn't agree more.

dragonette wrote: »

Agree with BargainBetty. Nothing to do with them, they aren't married to him or living your life. You are. You do not 'owe' them something to stay in an unhappy marriage.

Personally I'd tell your aunt exactly where to go, but I'm sometimes too blunt with people:o

Yes!

Dimey

Those days of duty to inadequate partners have gone. I'm from your parents generation, probably older and I reckon your Mum & Dad would rather you be sane and happy but divorced than continue as an unappreciated slave with a potential for financial disaster.

If your Mums criteria is that you don't give up till you've tried - well you have tried, haven't you.

As you get older you realise that other peoples opinions are just that - their opinion and you don't have to listen if you don't want to. You have your own opinion. Life is short. Do want you want to do.

If this fortnight is OH's last chance, make sure he knows that, so he can think about what he's risking and have the opportunity to fight for you and your marriage if he wants to.

geoffky

You are fighting for a marriage that is not a marriage,,,,