Christmas - I know it's early but..

carolan78

pingufan wrote: »

Yes, I think this IS the way to go. I've not long had a new boiler so there is a new control unit for it. It will go as hot as THIS and no hotter! And stop closing every single door as we feel like we can't breathe!

I have tried this type of thing before but then I get the 'so and so's daughter falls over themselves for X - none of my kids do it for me - I'm old - I feel the cold - you will look back and know what I'm talking about - Oooh this house is full of draughts - have you thought about getting new windows?' Blah blah blah!

That's emotional blackmail, we used to get that and far worse from Nan all the time. We never used to acknowledge it let alone pander to it and she would soon get the message and move on to the next subject.

ItchyFeet

So how about working with you've got, so to speak? Try to make it more like your ideal Christmas by perhaps arranging family games and things that mean you have to stay in the same room as a family. Gran can join in if she wants or she can watch tv. Don't allow the kids to disappear off upstairs until at least the evening. Give everybody a job (including Gran) to do over the period. Take the pressure off yourself a bit. It might not be ideal for your husband to have your gran there, but it's Christmas and he needs to make an effort too. Imho.

RancidM

ItchyFeet wrote: »

So how about working with you've got, so to speak? Try to make it more like your ideal Christmas by perhaps arranging family games and things that mean you have to stay in the same room as a family. Gran can join in if she wants or she can watch tv. Don't allow the kids to disappear off upstairs until at least the evening. Give everybody a job (including Gran) to do over the period. Take the pressure off yourself a bit. It might not be ideal for your husband to have your gran there, but it's Christmas and he needs to make an effort too. Imho.

Sound advice....

all this encouragement to start a dust up with the siblings to try and show them they are in the wrong is an utter waste of your time and effort, which could be put to far better use improving your situation

Money_maker

OP, you are a saint. I shall think of you when I'm miserable at my MIL's on Christmas Day. You said your parents wont have her, why? Surely she is mum to either your mother or father? Choose a few special words to ensure they realise how selfish they are not helping out. She is THEIR responsibility, not yours.

swampduck

If she is complaining of being cold then give her a blanket and a hot water bottle. Don't change the thermostat or let her dictate doors being closed etc.
You have been an angel but you need to take back something from this for your sake. Your own family life is suffering because you won't stand up to her - she is a guest and she fits in with you and your family - not the other way round.
The rest of the extended family have got away with it for too long so they must take a turn of having her stay with them too - you need to 'man' up a bit for your own sanity!

Swampy

juniper_berry

Buy your Gran a beautiful, very thick blanket for Christmas. Then when she says she is cold she cover herself in it and keep extra warm.

That way you can have the temp at what you're all comfortable with and she can be comfortable too.

I would also suggest a family meeting prior to xmas. Your Gran has been there for you, you are being there for her when she needs you. Explain the importance of family and why you are doing this to kids and OH, ask their advice and create a day between yourselves that you are all happy with.

If the kids and OH feel they are getting an input to make it their day too they are more likely to enjoy it and get involved. Set an hour for games, an hour for tv whatever you choose and then tell Gran well in advanced that this is your plan, would she like to add anything in and therefore she can be as involved as she wants.

I would also say to her that you need a few days with just you guys especially as you're working and make sure someone else will have her for a few days. The responsibility needs to be shared especially if you have her every Christmas day.

EDIT: Swampy - great minds think alike....you managed to post a little quicker than me.

pingufan

Money_maker wrote: »

OP, you are a saint. I shall think of you when I'm miserable at my MIL's on Christmas Day. You said your parents wont have her, why? Surely she is mum to either your mother or father? Choose a few special words to ensure they realise how selfish they are not helping out. She is THEIR responsibility, not yours.

Yes, its my downtrodden dad's mum - my mother rules the roost there and has never made her welcome over Xmas - in fact my nan would hate it there - and never will...He knows its unfair but is unlikely to overrule my mother. She's a different story altogether!

I like the idea of a blanket and a hot water bottle - thank you! I will do this. Also she can come Xmas eve afternoon and have to go over my aunties the day after boxing day as I'm working I've already said we are having a house party with our friends NYE so she won't be able to stay for that - sorry x

bagpussbear

There has been some good ideas and advice from others on here I think, and I feel if you can't give the 'we are going away for christmas' excuse then the compromise would be to have her for a shorter time over christmas.

What I can't understand is why you've put your gran first over your hubby and kids for 12 years on the trot? It's admirable to be caring and look after our elderly relatives, but there are other members of this family that could take some of the strain away. You need to be a little stronger and start to arrange your christmases more to suit you and your family. If that that cheeses off some of your extended family, well so be it!

DigForVictory

I presume her health means medication means welcoming her with a hot toddy that is 95% brandy and letting her sleep it off in a corner is right out?

You are remarkably patient with her, and with your relatives who are taking the mick quite a bit.

Any chance you can all pile into a vehicle & go and see a relative who "hasn't got room"? Makes a chance all round and gets said relative to pull part of a digit out.

You are probably going to be far too nice about this. (You do realise the first Christmas the children experience without a grandma will come as a substantial shock to them?) However, getting the immediate family on board so she can't monopolise you has to be a smart move.

How many of you play poker? Racing Demon? Pontoon? Get a box of chips and aim to first of all to get Granny past £50, (did I say a *single* word about paying out?) then reward your children's rapidly developing numeracy & competitiveness by allowing them to win that £50 off her.
Whichever (husband, child) ends up with the most chips may win a fiver if *you've* had a good Christmas...

Janey3

Op, you sound such a caring person and as others have said I think it is really mean of your family not to invite your Gran at some part of the Christmas period. Having no room is no excuse, space can always be made for one more. I've sat on a stool before now years ago, eating my Christmas Dinner, when we've had a house full, so that an older person can have a seat. They could at least invite her for her dinner/tea on a couple of the days so you can have a little time to yourselves.