Christmas - I know it's early but..

carolan78

pingufan wrote: »

Why thank you - lovely reply...I wish I could see everything as 'black and white' as you....

It isn't black and white but it is your DH's Christmas too. I can't believe if you approached them one of her children wouldn't take her for Christmas day and boxing day and you have her for a few days after.

Whilst I would have been more than happy to have my Nans for 12 years running my DH would not have been and tbh he didn't have the same bonds with them so it is to be expected really just as if it was his Nan (especially if she has become difficult, I am sure when you started to have her she wasn't quite as bad).

Takeaway_Addict

if its only 30 miles why does she have to stay numerous nights, why not just hte one night and then pick her up and drop her of so at least u get the nights to yourself

pingufan

Takeaway_Addict wrote: »

if its only 30 miles why does she have to stay numerous nights, why not just hte one night and then pick her up and drop her of so at least u get the nights to yourself

Sigh....she can't be on her own so long... I have suggested it.

Takeaway_Addict

pingufan wrote: »

Sigh....she can't be on her own so long... I have suggested it.

Then I am afraid you need to be clear from the start what the ground rules are to both your gran and your family.

The temperature is X
Gran is staying X nights
You will all help me participate in welcoming her
Gran, if you don't like whats on then tough

and so on

Good luck!

Norma_Desmond

Personally this year I'd insist that Gran goes elsewhere in the family (I'd be ringing around now!) for Christmas and Boxing Day - and then comes to you for a couple of days before New Year.

That way at least you'd have a less stressful 'main event'.

Oh, and same arrangement for the next few years too.

Good luck, it's a toughie.

Soleil_lune

pingufan wrote: »

I havent said that my Christmasses have been 'ruined' - we've always had nice Christmasses and the kids haven't ever said they don;t want her to come - they've never known it any different so It passes over their heads. I suppose I wish that some Christmasses we could share her out a bit more. My parents just wouldnt have her - my auntie 'doesn't really have the room'..so I can't see her be on her own. Yes, Its a rod I have made for my own back and the only way I can kindly break it is by actually going away over Christmas and I don't want to do that - I like it in my own home but would like it to be more relaxed too.

You have had nice Christmasses? This isn't what you said in your OP. You said:

"Hmmmm, here we go again - the annual sinking feeling when I think about it.

Every year since I've had my children (12 years) I have had my widowed Gran to stay. My aunties and uncles are VERY happy for her to come to me as to be frank she is hard work (plus they all say they have no room).

The house is never warm enough - hence all the doors are shut tight into every room making all the rooms dark, overly hot. She doesn't watch TV (she will tell people) but will complain loudly if she doesn't like a particular program and it has to be up loud enough for her to hear."

The bits that told me you are all pretty unhappy and that your Christmasses are awful were :

DH gets at the end of his tether very quickly so goes to sit in our other living room to watch what he wants in peace so I'm left sitting with her - impossible to watch anything on TV or read or use the iPad as she wants to talk constantly so you have to give her your undivided attention.


The kids will scoot off to their rooms or to play in another room so for the last couple of years Christmas has felt like a bit of an isolating experience - Dh usually in a bit of a bad mood because of it - me tiptoeing around him and her as she senses he's in a bad mood and positively plays up to the fact. Oh and of course she knows how to bring my kids up better than me and she doesn't mind telling me!

She's already talking of coming earlier than usual (she used to come on Xmas Eve and stay till just before NYE) and to be honest I'm dreading the thought of another tense Christmas - I know my hubby has had enough of it....so difficult though - she'd be heartbroken If she knew I felt like this


Your husband wants to leave the room and leaves you with her, and you said you're unable to do what you want. (eg; go on your ipad or watch what you want on telly.)

Your husband has had enough!

You feel isolated as your husband and kids are not with you because they go off to other rooms.

She constantly tells you how to bring up your kids and LOVES to tell you how to do it.

The whole family is splintered for the length of time she is there, with a bad atmosphere, people in a mood, nobody sitting together, and you stuck with the gran, wishing you could go on your i-pad.

You also said in a later post that it's not giving your kids very happy Christmas memories.

Doesn't sound like a fun' Christmas to me!

Your post indicated you were very p***ed off with the whole situation and your whole family were too, but now you're saying that is not the case: so which is it?

pingufan

Takeaway_Addict wrote: »

Then I am afraid you need to be clear from the start what the ground rules are to both your gran and your family.

The temperature is X
Gran is staying X nights
You will all help me participate in welcoming her
Gran, if you don't like whats on then tough

and so on

Good luck!

Yes, I think this IS the way to go. I've not long had a new boiler so there is a new control unit for it. It will go as hot as THIS and no hotter! And stop closing every single door as we feel like we can't breathe!

I have tried this type of thing before but then I get the 'so and so's daughter falls over themselves for X - none of my kids do it for me - I'm old - I feel the cold - you will look back and know what I'm talking about - Oooh this house is full of draughts - have you thought about getting new windows?' Blah blah blah!

Takeaway_Addict

pingufan wrote: »

Yes, I think this IS the way to go. I've not long had a new boiler so there is a new control unit for it. It will go as hot as THIS and no hotter! And stop closing every single door as we feel like we can't breathe!

I have tried this type of thing before but then I get the 'so and so's daughter falls over themselves for X - none of my kids do it for me - I'm old - I feel the cold - you will look back and know what I'm talking about - Oooh this house is full of draughts - have you thought about getting new windows?' Blah blah blah!

Walk out of the room each time she starts moaning? Eventually she will get the hint

pingufan

Soleil_lune wrote: »

You have had nice Christmasses? This isn't what you said in your OP. You said:

"Hmmmm, here we go again - the annual sinking feeling when I think about it.

Every year since I've had my children (12 years) I have had my widowed Gran to stay. My aunties and uncles are VERY happy for her to come to me as to be frank she is hard work (plus they all say they have no room).

The house is never warm enough - hence all the doors are shut tight into every room making all the rooms dark, overly hot. She doesn't watch TV (she will tell people) but will complain loudly if she doesn't like a particular program and it has to be up loud enough for her to hear."

The bits that told me you are all pretty unhappy and that your Christmasses are awful were :

DH gets at the end of his tether very quickly so goes to sit in our other living room to watch what he wants in peace so I'm left sitting with her - impossible to watch anything on TV or read or use the iPad as she wants to talk constantly so you have to give her your undivided attention.


The kids will scoot off to their rooms or to play in another room so for the last couple of years Christmas has felt like a bit of an isolating experience - Dh usually in a bit of a bad mood because of it - me tiptoeing around him and her as she senses he's in a bad mood and positively plays up to the fact. Oh and of course she knows how to bring my kids up better than me and she doesn't mind telling me!

She's already talking of coming earlier than usual (she used to come on Xmas Eve and stay till just before NYE) and to be honest I'm dreading the thought of another tense Christmas - I know my hubby has had enough of it....so difficult though - she'd be heartbroken If she knew I felt like this


Your husband wants to leave the room and leaves you with her, and you said you're unable to do what you want. (eg; go on your ipad or watch what you want on telly.)

Your husband has had enough!

You feel isolated as your husband and kids are not with you because they go off to other rooms.

She constantly tells you how to bring up your kids and LOVES to tell you how to do it.

The whole family is splintered, with a bad atmosphere, people in a mood, nobody sitting together, and you stuck with the gran, wishing you could go on your i-pad.

Doesn't sound like a fun' Christmas to me!

Your post indicated you were very p***ed off with the whole situation and your whole family were too, but now you're saying that is not the case: so which is it?

As in most actual situations - we aren't all sitting around in a mood with each other - most of the time things are 'smoothed over' usually me doing the smoothing I admit. Yes, I'm sure hubby has had enough but we also had MIL for the past 15 years every Xmas day (plus as she had dementia we spent a lot of time providing food and caring for her) so there's not a lot he could say there really - we've done it for his mother too. That's probably part of it - we've never had an Xmas when it's just been us!

tea_lover

pingufan wrote: »

That's probably part of it - we've never had an Xmas when it's just been us!

Maybe you could have another christmas, when your Gran has left. Agree with her that she'll be staying with you but just for a few days. Then when she leaves just tell the kids it's christmas #2 and spend the day just how you want to.