Christmas - I know it's early but..

margaretclare

What has just occurred to me is that you've been doing this for 12 years, Gran is 86 now therefore when you started this she was 74, younger than we are now!! And she started to play the age card even then?

I just can't imagine me ever doing that to anybody, or that anybody I know of would be willing to go along with it even if I did.

Tixy

pingufan wrote: »

The problem is that she's become so difficult as she's got older! She's just not easy to have around for any length of time. For some reason - probably as I'm a grandchild and she still thinks I'm 8 years old - she feels she can be really opinionated about everything to do with my kids, hubby, home and when she's got an opinion then she'll outright tell you! Christmas can be a fraught enough time anyway and I can do without any extra stress!

I've actually lost my temper with her before when she's overstepped the mark and she gets all sniffy then - no one cares about her etc..

And I don't want to feel like that at Xmas

This is the bit I'd try to change with her this year.
Don't let her have her own way all the time. Remind her that of course you care about her but that is the children's christmas and holiday as well and that they want to watch x on tv or do y activity for a bit now.
And if she tries to tell you how you should be living/raising your family just firmly say to her that 'thats not how we do things in this family' or 'I've already made my own decision on that' or something along those lines.

Being calm and unmoving in these little snipy battles/digs worked for me with my grandmother.

Also could your family go out for an hour for a walk or bike ride or something each day if she is getting too much (especially xmas day)? Just say to her that you know she won't want to come but the kids really want to go so here is a cup of tea and mincepie and you will be back in an hour.

tayforth

Well done on being proactive and making that phone call - I really hope that you get some joy

pingufan wrote: »

My cousins will all be FAR too busy leading their child free lifestyles - going out till early hours and staying in bed till midday to bother thinking about nan. I am the eldest grandchild and have always been the most close to her - she has truly been like a mother to me as mine wasn't a mum to me at all.

The problem is that she's become so difficult as she's got older! She's just not easy to have around for any length of time. For some reason - probably as I'm a grandchild and she still thinks I'm 8 years old - she feels she can be really opinionated about everything to do with my kids, hubby, home and when she's got an opinion then she'll outright tell you! Christmas can be a fraught enough time anyway and I can do without any extra stress!

I've actually lost my temper with her before when she's overstepped the mark and she gets all sniffy then - no one cares about her etc..

And I don't want to feel like that at Xmas

I'm not sure what point you're making here. If your cousins haven't got children, then naturally their lifestyle will be different to yours. Neither is right or wrong. It's totally normal to go out until all hours, especially if you don't have children; that in itself doesn't make a person selfish.

Keep us posted on the negotiations

margaretclare

You've said it all. 'Christmas can be a fraught enough time'....and yet we have it 'sold' to us as this ideal happy time, all happy families! The media will soon start and it's difficult to escape from having it rammed down our necks from morning to night. I'm glad we've opted out of it. I really mean it when I say I cannot do with people who use age as an excuse for everything.

I have to tell you this to make you smile. A few years ago now I had revision of hip replacement in early December, therefore we were going to be at home over Christmas. DH had a friend from the computer club who was going to be on her own. Doing the Christian thing and feeling sorry for her, we invited her for lunch on Christmas Day. She arrived complete with little dog (who hadn't been included in the invitation) who peed on the carpet. Lunch over, she wanted to watch TV. So did we. Suffice to say she didn't like our choices, made remarks like 'Darcey Bussell has no boobs'. We invited her for lunch, that was all, but she started saying 'you're not going to throw me out are you' and then as it began to get dark 'I can't drive in the dark'. We began to fear that she intended to stay the night, but she didn't like the film we started to watch at 8 pm - no soaps, you see! So she went.

That lady told us she had a son and a daughter but 'couldn't go there'. We realised why!

cutestkids

The people I feel sorry for in all this are your kids OP, have they honestly never had a Christmas without their Great Grandmother staying?

They may not say anything but I am sure it has an impact on them and if as you say you are smoothing over etc to keep the peace then they will sense the tension.

Soon they will have grown up and will be doing their own thing at Christmas and you will have missed the special family times that you could have enjoyed with them, that really is sad.

We always have my parents for dinner at Christmas but I make it clear that the kids come first and make sure that we do things that they will enjoy so no dictating what we watch on telly or what we do.

You need to tell her children straight that you will not be doing it.

pingufan

margaretclare wrote: »

What has just occurred to me is that you've been doing this for 12 years, Gran is 86 now therefore when you started this she was 74, younger than we are now!! And she started to play the age card even then?

I just can't imagine me ever doing that to anybody, or that anybody I know of would be willing to go along with it even if I did.

She was actually a lot easier when she first started coming to me although she was grieving the loss of my Grandad in the early days more so she would be just unhappy in general. I've done a lot of thinking about the situation.

I think she's a bit jealous of anyone in a relationship - she was married to my GD for 55 years and to be honest she's just been going through the motions since he died. She will openly admit Xmas is not a good time for her since he has gone and it doesn't mean anything - in fact she says she's glad when its come and gone. I notice she loves to 'separate' OH and I when she's here - I think partly that's why the doors get closed - keep him out in the other room and keep me as company to herself.

When she first started coming the kids were small and I was always grateful for the extra pair of hands but now they are older Xmas is a far more relaxed affair and I have more time to see what goes on. Not just Christmas - if she comes to stay she will try and come when OH is working the weekend. If he is here she will try and assert her authority - over the years she has gradually pushed her feet more and more under the table. Of course I haven't helped the situation by relying on her to babysit once every few months. I think she feels its her right now to feel VERY much at home when she's here!

pingufan

I will insist the children have what they want on the TV - she'll just make comments all the way through it though - or read through the 100 newspapers she brings - reading you out loud little snippets. When you say - sorry I'm watching TV she'll try and do the crossword and ask you all the questions she can't do instead. Patience!!

Funky_Bold_Ribena

'Dear Gran, well, you had such an awful time at ours last year and presumably for the last 12, that we thought you would be making other plans this year so we have booked some nights away and I'm working between Christmad and NYE anyway.

dandelionclock30

It sounds very difficult for you, what I would do is contact her next of kin, her children and inform them that they need to be taking over with arrangements for her this year.
Tell your Grandma you are happy to have her for a day in the New Year instead. Your entitled to some family time yourself and its selfish of your relatives to leave it all to you.

whitewing

I haven't read all the posts yet.

Are you trying to pack in too much organisation of christmas over the time too, and getting frustrated about that and everybody leaving you to be responsible too?

Do you get and wrap presents in advance, for example? That takes a lot more time than I allow. Last year I was a simmering pile of resentment as I left the wrapping too close to christmas. Could you give your nan little jobs to do? Actually having a task could prompt some memories in her and she would entertain you and the children rather than having to make conversation.

I would get her to peel potatoes or prepare veg or wrap presents.

Could your husband take her out for a drive to see the christmas lights on people's houses? My nan loved that.

Could the children pretend to be interviewers and film her? My nan was really interesting but tired easily.

Can you all look at family photos?

Does the home your other relative is in do 'granny sitting' sessions? Some of those near us let relatives go for the day eg if people are working. They may have Christmas activities scheduled in. (Not xmas day itself obviously).