Christmas - I know it's early but..

ash28

We had a similar "problem". It was OH's mother.....she was 47 when he was born, so by the time OH was 40 she was 87. Once my parents died - my father when I was 33 and my mother when I was 36, she came to us every Christmas.....OH had much older siblings with far more room than we had (we had a 3 bed house and 3 children). Before that it was every other Christmas from getting married in 1975 until she died in 2006 She died when she just short of 99....but the last 2 years of her life we didn't have her....she wouldn't have really known where she was.

As she got older she became a bit cantankerous, she liked the tv blaring....only liked plain food....liked to be (to us) very warm....the house used to seem stifling, but when we visited her, her bungalow was like an oven....she probably was a bit cold when she stayed. Used to tell me how I should have a meal ready on the table for OH when he came home....even if it was only a couple of hours until dinner. I just used to let it all wash over me......

I didn't mind too much to be honest.....she used to drive OH insane and he would often get a bit short with her....I never did. I used to get a bit fed up at times more because everything was down to us than the fact we had her at Xmas....it would have been nice if someone (her other children) had brought her to us or had come to collect her or had even visited her when she was with us. And to be honest I wouldn't have had her sitting on her own on Xmas day.....as she got older most of her friends had died and in the end they all had.

She did go on holiday twice a year on her own....usually on a coach tour and when she was able she used to travel to our nearest station and we would pick her up....she lived 150 miles away but as she became more frail we used to pick her up and take her home....or sometimes take her to her daughters a 120 miles the other way and then have to pick her up from there and take her home.....

The kids were absolutely brilliant with her, especially as they hit their teens, always offering to make her a cup of tea, could they get her a biscuit, a sandwich, a sweet...chatting to her, listening to her....I never thought about it at the time.....it was later that I realised how good the 3 of them were with her, how patient they were and how they were prepared to give up some of their time for her.

She couldn't really hear the tv so we used to watch what we wanted.....she used to like reading and she always had a book with her or I would buy her something I thought she would like....usually some sort of biography about the Royal family.....

When she stopped coming to us Christmas wasn't actually any better just different.

All I can say is if you don't want her, tell the other family members that you can't or won't be having her this year and see what happens....you never know someone might step up to the mark......

MrSmartprice

pingufan wrote: »

And a huge part of me thinks like this. But at the same time I'd love a Christmas that's just us. But I know that when she does eventually go I will probably miss her more than anything

I believe you should be able to celebrate Christmas, or not, as you see fit. Why should you be almost blackmailed into doing things you wouldn't wish to do?

My wife has very elderly parents, but we shall not be spending Christmas Day with them. We don't really bother with Christmas at all and shall be at a curry house for lunch that day. We will not be forced to do the turkey, paper hats and rubbish TV bit. We shall visit them in the morning, make sure they are OK and probably help them sort out their lunch.

Christmas is just another day to us, but the real point is that we are doing things to support them every day, not just on one random Wednesday in December.

mumps

OP I think you are doing your best, Christmas should be fun for the kids but I don't think it is the end of the world if they have to accommodate an elderly relative. When I look back at Christmas I remember my one set of grandparents who didn't spend Christmas with us, my Granny who spent it alone (by choice) and her ex my grandad who was a bit hard going. He was disabled, unhappy living alone and in alot of pain. I don't think it ruined Christmas for us, kids are tougher than we give them credit for. My mil came to us every year, she only had my husband. She was a widow for many year and in many ways drove us both mad. My kids loved her and they don't seem to look back on Christmas as being a time she ruined.

I think Christmas is hard for old people who are on their own, it is different for people in a couple. And you are right, you will miss her like mad when she isn't there for Christmas one year. I hope it all goes well.

I second the idea of having a family Christmas when she has gone, due to work commitments we have had Christmas on the 27th or 28th some years. It doesn't matter really, if you are a Christian you know that no one really knows when Jesus was born and if you aren't a Christian well what does it matter?

mumps

ash28 wrote: »

The kids were absolutely brilliant with her, especially as they hit their teens, always offering to make her a cup of tea, could they get her a biscuit, a sandwich, a sweet...chatting to her, listening to her....I never thought about it at the time.....it was later that I realised how good the 3 of them were with her, how patient they were and how they were prepared to give up some of their time for her.

You must be really proud of them, and you have every right to be they sound lovely.

ttc39

ash28 wrote: »

We had a similar "problem". It was OH's mother.....she was 47 when he was born, so by the time OH was 40 she was 87. Once my parents died - my father when I was 33 and my mother when I was 36, she came to us every Christmas.....OH had much older siblings with far more room than we had (we had a 3 bed house and 3 children). Before that it was every other Christmas from getting married in 1975 until she died in 2006 She died when she just short of 99....but the last 2 years of her life we didn't have her....she wouldn't have really known where she was.

As she got older she became a bit cantankerous, she liked the tv blaring....only liked plain food....liked to be (to us) very warm....the house used to seem stifling, but when we visited her, her bungalow was like an oven....she probably was a bit cold when she stayed. Used to tell me how I should have a meal ready on the table for OH when he came home....even if it was only a couple of hours until dinner. I just used to let it all wash over me......

I didn't mind too much to be honest.....she used to drive OH insane and he would often get a bit short with her....I never did. I used to get a bit fed up at times more because everything was down to us than the fact we had her at Xmas....it would have been nice if someone (her other children) had brought her to us or had come to collect her or had even visited her when she was with us. And to be honest I wouldn't have had her sitting on her own on Xmas day.....as she got older most of her friends had died and in the end they all had.

She did go on holiday twice a year on her own....usually on a coach tour and when she was able she used to travel to our nearest station and we would pick her up....she lived 150 miles away but as she became more frail we used to pick her up and take her home....or sometimes take her to her daughters a 120 miles the other way and then have to pick her up from there and take her home.....

The kids were absolutely brilliant with her, especially as they hit their teens, always offering to make her a cup of tea, could they get her a biscuit, a sandwich, a sweet...chatting to her, listening to her....I never thought about it at the time.....it was later that I realised how good the 3 of them were with her, how patient they were and how they were prepared to give up some of their time for her.

She couldn't really hear the tv so we used to watch what we wanted.....she used to like reading and she always had a book with her or I would buy her something I thought she would like....usually some sort of biography about the Royal family.....

When she stopped coming to us Christmas wasn't actually any better just different.

All I can say is if you don't want her, tell the other family members that you can't or won't be having her this year and see what happens....you never know someone might step up to the mark......

how lovely you and your family sound :-)

I wouldnt want to think of any elderly relation or indeed even as i do, an old workmate (now 75 and no family around) alone. especially at xmas. and i would also have them over at times through the year not just at xmas.

i always think there for the grace of god go I , and the thought that maybe in the future , no one would care if I were on my own or not .. well i perish the thought.

my step kids know, that my old workmate , is like an extended family member, and we have already invited him for xmas day with us.

OP , i also think you are lovely and can understand your fraustrations, just do as you said, have her xmas eve for a couple of days..

we will miss these people once they are gone :-) x

Mojisola

pingufan wrote: »

DH gets at the end of his tether very quickly so goes to sit in our other living room to watch what he wants in peace so I'm left sitting with her - impossible to watch anything on TV or read or use the iPad as she wants to talk constantly so you have to give her your undivided attention.

The kids will scoot off to their rooms or to play in another room so for the last couple of years Christmas has felt like a bit of an isolatig experience - Dh usually in a bit of a bad mood because of it - me tiptoeing around him and her as she senses he's in a bad mood and positively plays up to the fact. Oh and of course she knows how to bring my kids up better than me and she doesn't mind telling me!

mumps wrote: »

Christmas should be fun for the kids but I don't think it is the end of the world if they have to accommodate an elderly relative.

This sounds like a horrible experience to go through year after year.

Just because someone is old and missing their spouse doesn't give them the right to rule the household!

ash28

mumps wrote: »

You must be really proud of them, and you have every right to be they sound lovely.

They were absolute pains in the bottom....however, with her they were really good, it didn't occur to me at the time how good they were with her, it was quite a while later. Years later.

I did mention it to them and they said because my parents had died at relatively young ages (my mother was 56) they realised that she wouldn't be with us forever......surprising what can go through the minds of young teens. And our son who was a real PITA - a proper Kevin - was an absolute star with her....would carry her handbag....and didn't pull a face when she gave him 20p to buy a sweet.......

I put part of it down to the fact their junior school was right next to a special school and they mixed quite a lot with physically and mentally disabled children....I think it made them more patient and respectful towards people who were different from them.

melanzana

This is why I do not like Christmas. As another poster said, it is made out to be full of joy and laughter, and all the rest of it. But for many of us it is not. If we admit it!

Who on earth would NOT like a stress free Christmas? What is that again?

Oh yes.....just us and our immediates. That is because we are used to what goes on, yeah, the pyjamas all day, the slobbing around, eat at four..no! Not ready yet, so it will be six...uh ok. You know, the RELAXED way of families who are together all the time.

Bringing others into that mix is fraught with trouble IMV.

However.... In my family we have three siblings (my sister died sadly in July). We have a rota. Mum is delighted to be with any of us. But she has the same cold, TV, volume etc. issues. Drives us all nuts!

Anyhow, we have invested in remote control headphones. Bliss. Mum can watch TV at her own volume, and we at ours. The program is generally decided amongst us.

I also have a single bed electric over blanket than can Be kept on indefinitely. That goes over mum, and she loves it, especially the feet and toes.

Sorry, I make it sound like its easy. It is NOT. but you can do things to make it good for everyone.

Age is no excuse or bad manners.

mumps

ash28 wrote: »

And our son who was a real PITA - a proper Kevin - was an absolute star with her....would carry her handbag....and didn't pull a face when she gave him 20p to buy a sweet.......

I put part of it down to the fact their junior school was right next to a special school and they mixed quite a lot with physically and mentally disabled children....I think it made them more patient and respectful towards people who were different from them.

This really brought a smile to my face. I can just picture Kevin carrying her bag. What a lovely picture it is.:T

pukkamum

I've got kind of the opposite problem, in a way.
My mum has spent the last 2 xmas's with my sister, she lives quite far away so mum and her husband would come to us in the morning give our pressies erc then drive for 2 hours to get to sisters.
Her husband really doesn't like going but he goes along with it for her as he has done for many xmas's.
This year sister is away and as much as I would love for her to come here I really get the feeling she would like to stay at home and have a quiet xmas just her and her husband, something they have never done.
Obviously I am going to ask them here just so she knows they are welcome but worry if I say how I totally understand if they don't want to come she will think we don't want her!
Catch 22 what do I do?