Christmas - I know it's early but..

pingufan

Hmmmm, here we go again - the annual sinking feeling when I think about it.

Every year since I've had my children (12 years) I have had my widowed Gran to stay. My aunties and uncles are VERY happy for her to come to me as to be frank she is hard work (plus they all say they have no room).

The house is never warm enough - hence all the doors are shut tight into every room making all the rooms dark, overly hot. She doesn't watch TV (she will tell people) but will complain loudly if she doesn't like a particular program and it has to be up loud enough for her to hear.

DH gets at the end of his tether very quickly so goes to sit in our other living room to watch what he wants in peace so I'm left sitting with her - impossible to watch anything on TV or read or use the iPad as she wants to talk constantly so you have to give her your undivided attention.

The kids will scoot off to their rooms or to play in another room so for the last couple of years Christmas has felt like a bit of an isolatig experience - Dh usually in a bit of a bad mood because of it - me tiptoeing around him and her as she senses he's in a bad mood and positively plays up to the fact. Oh and of course she knows how to bring my kids up better than me and she doesn't mind telling me!

My MIL used to come but this year for the first time she will be in her care home too ill to attend. I feel dreadful saying this as Gran is 86 (in excellent health though) but I just crave a Christmas where me, hubby & kids can just be ourselves to all sit together in our own home with the heating turned down , watch what we want on TV, relax and and just be our little family.

She hints regularly at coming to stay for a few days and she does come every few months but when she goes she's on the phone then saying that she shouldnt come as she feels too lonely when she's back home on her own! You can't win!

I love her and I feel guilty in feeling the way I do - she is very kind in that she looks after the children now and again for hubby and I to go out (stays over then mind and we grit our teeth and put up with it) so I would feel dreadful in saying she couldnt come for Christmas - there is nowhere else for her to go though anyway so I wouldnt do that to her. I know she is lonely, needy old woman but she's become quite difficult with age ( like a spoilt child in lots of ways and uses her age as an excuse for everything).

She's already talking of coming earlier than usual (she used to come on Xmas Eve and stay till just before NYE) and to be honest I'm dreading the thought of another tense Christmas - I know my hubby has had enough of it....so difficult though - she'd be heartbroken If she knew I felt like this

There aren't any solutions - she will come to me as usual but I just needed to get it off my chest x

julie03

I know you feel guilty but your own children aren't exactly getting happy Christmas memories from this. I would put my kids and husband first and say no

Gigglepig

I would either have a word with other family members to ensure she could stay with them, or try to make the arrangements more tolerable

For example

- making the visit no more than 2 nights. Just say youbhave oter plans after christmas this year.
-inviting another family member she can chat to so she won't need your undivided attention.
- focus on some activities/tings that work - will she sit down with a book and a drink? Is there anything you might enjoy doing together as a family?

tayforth

Sounds difficult. You have my sympathy. We had a bachelor uncle for a couple of Christmases when I was a child, he was hard work too.

Why don't her own children host her now and again? 'No room' - yeah right!

Could you call one of your relatives and pretend that you've won a trip away at Christmas? Or something else that means you won't be available? That way, you could arrange something (or have an offer in place) before telling your Gran. They might host her if they think that there's no other option.

If you can't do that, perhaps you could say that you've won/booked a trip away just after Christmas (say the 27th/28th) so she'll have to leave early or go to one of your aunts and uncles. You'd still have her for Christmas itself, but then you'd get your family time afterwards.

OR you could always pretend to have a terrible flu closer to the time... but that doesn't leave much time for alternative arrangements to be made. And you sound like a lovely person, so you would no doubt feel guilty and that would ruin your Christmas anyway.

HTH. Let us know what you decide.

RancidM

Gran is coming and there is nothing you can do about that.

You can however sit down with your husband/kids and explain that everyone gets old sooner or later and Gran is only there for a few days.
Rather than letting them all sulk off to do their own thing, they should all be chipping in and making them hours pass a bit more smoothly, not for your Grans benifit but for yours.

it wouldn't hurt your siblings making the effort to come and visit gran (at yours) over the xmas period to give you a bit of room to breath.

margaretclare

Say no.

I assume you feel you can't say all these things to Gran, the things you've listed here, which make the so-called 'festive season' somewhat less than festive (understatement???) for you and your family?

Tell her you've made other arrangements.

BTW I'm just 8 years younger than your Gran, and I'd hate to feel I was laying this kind of burden on another generation.

Saga do Christmas getaways, where people can be with their own generation.

tayforth

julie03 wrote: »

I know you feel guilty but your own children aren't exactly getting happy Christmas memories from this. I would put my kids and husband first and say no

I agree. 12 years is a long time.

RancidM wrote: »

Gran is coming and there is nothing you can do about that.

You can however sit down with your husband/kids and explain that everyone gets old sooner or later and Gran is only there for a few days.
Rather than letting them all sulk off to do their own thing, they should all be chipping in and making them hours pass a bit more smoothly, not for your Grans benifit but for yours.

it wouldn't hurt your siblings making the effort to come and visit gran (at yours) over the xmas period to give you a bit of room to breath.

I agree that the OP's husband and children should make more effort; however, the OP's aunts and uncles (Gran's own children) are making no effort at all! They could make room for their mother for a few days if they wanted to. Sounds like they can't be bothered and will happily take advantage of the OP's kind nature.

pingufan

Thanks for all of your suggestions

I couldn't realistically do any of the above - we are a close family and they would know If we weren't actually going away!

I speak to my nan almost every day on the phone (she lives 30 miles away) - we are close so I couldn't lie to her - its just that when she comes to stay she kinda takes over the house! Everything has to be tailored to her comfort - 'because she's 86 don't you know'

Since my Grandad died 13 years ago she's become almost afraid of being on her own for any length of time - she has built up this huge social network of activities but it all stops over Xmas and people tend to go to their families. Its a hard one. Like I say if anything happened to her I'd be then crying over Xmas because I missed her. Difficult! But she's become a bit of a PITA to have stay for any length of time.

tayforth

Could you make it a shorter visit?

I do think that your aunts and uncles should share the responsibility for having her at Christmas.

kelpie35

I know this might be harsh OP but I really think you need to put your Husband and children's happiness first.

Yes, Christmas is a family time but your Gran has other members of family who NEED to share the responsibility.

If I was you I would phone your Grans nearest relative and say that you have made other arrangements for Christmas this year. You need them to arrange, with your Gran, what their intentions are going to be with having her for Christmas, then say to your Gran that you hope she has a lovely time with xxxx.

You don't need to get into any arguments with any family members, it is not just your responsibility for your Gran it is a family thing.

I hope you, your OH and children can have a wonderful Christmas together.

scooby088

I was going to suggest euthanasia but get the rest of the family to share the burden.