Don't know what to do

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

busiscoming2 wrote: »

I wonder if at sometime in the past your father found out something about your Granny and so has a hold over her or blackmailing her so that she 'makes' you do her bidding?

I don't know why you have to see him. You owe him nothing. Don't go. Granny will get over it and good Auntie will just have to deal with the fall out. She obviously knows what he is like and will be expecting Granny to be 'upset'.

Don't waste the rest of your life doing the bidding of others.

More likely Granny's been knocking him off on the quiet for years.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Yoshi2 wrote: »

See, its not normal crying, she gets all worked into a whole state. Sometimes if she gets stressed she would take a seizure, so if I do anything that makes her upset, and she happens to take a seizure, even a couple of days later, even if its just a coincidence, they will blame me.

Bullish-I-t. Epilepsy is not caused by failing to get your own way. Fake seizures, however, always have a habit of happening just at that convenient point.

lucyhope

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Bullish-I-t. Epilepsy is not caused by failing to get your own way. Fake seizures, however, always have a habit of happening just at that convenient point.

^^^^^^^What JoJo said.

Vicky123

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Bullish-I-t. Epilepsy is not caused by failing to get your own way. Fake seizures, however, always have a habit of happening just at that convenient point.

That's true we musn't confuse a febrile fit with a Hissy fit.

paulineb_2

Yorkie1 wrote: »

In OP's defence, what is described as having occurred from her father is domestic violence. This influence is very powerful, even long after the behaviour has stopped. It can take people a very very long time work their way out from being under the influence of the perpetrator, even if the abuse stopped long before.

It is a myth that all people can just shrug it off and carry on with their lives, particularly if the abuse is now being unexpectedly resurrected through the bullying nature of the granny and the manipulative / controlling behaviour of the abuser. People can go into 'freeze' mode in response, thus preventing them from fighting or fleeing in what objectively would appear to be a sensible way.

But when they have asked for advice and they get plenty of the please get some help before you get really hurt along with sensible suggestions about contacting womens aid, it would be wise to consider them. Because the OP doesnt seem to be in denial about the abuse shes suffered nor is she unable to see how manipulative granny is, all this stems from if she says no granny will have a "seizure".

Im still concerned about the mothers role in all of this, knowing the abuse the OP has suffered and standing by and watching.

If someone has battered you and you have to lock yourself in your car to get away from them, I am sorry to say, you've had a lucky escape.

After my mums experience with her second husband, she opened up an advice centre in her home town with the assistance of womens aid and tried to support a number of women who were fleeing violence. Sadly, in those days data protection is not what it is now and at least one of these women, the police gave out an address that should have been safe and the girl ended up dead.

Im not saying thats whats going to happen to the OP, what Im saying is when you have had more than one warning about how abusive someone can be and you get away to safety, you dont put yourself back in the firing like because granny might cry and have a seizure and people will blame you. Dont take chances with your safety. Full stop.

If thats the absolute worst that can happen, its much better than being on the receiving end of a thugs fist.

Yoshi2

I rang my good aunt last night to arrange bringing the meeting forward to as soon as possible to get rid of it. I told her I can't stand it hanging over me, the thought of going was making me ill, I felt sick a lot of the time, hard to eat, upsetting my IBS so needing the toilet a lot, the stress of it all was disturbing my sleep too.

I think everyone in the family is used to agreeing with granny, and keeping her happy. Granny's just getting over an infection and is a bit depressed after having been in hospital for that. She's been out a while now but still feeling delicate, so it wouldn't go down well to upset her.

Anyway, back to last night's phone call. Good aunt agreed with me and said she'd come with me. She said it would be too much for Mum to have to meet him after all he had done. I said its the same for me. But there isn't much she can do without upsetting granny. I said the meeting has to be a time and place of my choice, so he will just have to get there whatever way he wants. I said I am only going to the meeting on the condition that granny doesn't suggest any other contact. I said if she can't agree to that I won't go. So it was arranged that it could take place this morning.

Mum rang my aunt back and told her about the times I had hurt myself because I hated myself so much. My opinion of myself was so low because of everything he had done, that's what made me do it. Auntie was off the phone in a flash, then rang back and said I don't have to go, its all sorted now.

I've never felt so much relief. I felt so relaxed and happy not having to go. I was actually hungry for the first time since I was first told about the meeting. All my energy came back too, for the past few days I was just going through the days feeling blank or shocked.

Everything that's happened over the past few days, and advice from my auntie, Mum, and from people on here, I've decided that I'm going to make an appointment to see a counsellor. There is one at uni and I'm going to arrange it on Monday, and I definitely will go. Mum had suggested that sort of thing before but I didn't get round to it. Maybe I didn't want to give in and wanted to convince myself I could cope. I was burying all the bad stuff from my past, and just getting on with things, but I know I've just shoved it all under the carpet and not dealt with it properly. Til now.

Thank you all very much for your kind words and good advice, its very much appreciated Thanks for taking the time to read it all, especially when it was so long.


No thanks for the few on here who thought I was a liar though.

SueC_2

Yoshi2 wrote: »

I've decided that I'm going to make an appointment to see a counsellor. There is one at uni and I'm going to arrange it on Monday, and I definitely will go.

That is the best possible outcome. Well done!!!! :T:T:T

Be warned though - it won't be plain sailing, and at time will be out and out bl**dy difficult. But please don't give up on it - you can do this!

Wishing you lots of luck and strength.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Yoshi - well done.

Now, practice saying 'no' to people. Any time you want to PM me and just say 'no' or scream 'no' or anything, just do it. Practice now and it will get easier I promise.

harrys_nan

I'm am really happy for you, both for not having to see him and the fact you are going to get some help. Please persevere with the counselling, it may take a while, you have the rest of your life to look forwood to.
Take care
harrys nan

HPoirot

Well done to your mum for standing up for you OP, and best of luck with the counselling, go for it, it will help you put all of it behind you so that you will never have to give in to miserable abusers again.