Don't know what to do

*max*

Dear me...This is a "granny" straight from The Godfather...

Is she going to send hitment after you if you don't go? Will she put a horse's head in your bed? No she won't! She's a deranged old woman, she's not an all-seeing, allmighty being who can make you do as she bids! Who in their right mind would even suggest you meet up with an abuser, nevermind "forcing" you to go using emotional blackmail? She has no right to tell you what to do, I don't care how "bossy" (understatement of the year btw!) she is!

You HAVE to get out of her clutches! She's not right in the head, and you will only suffer more if you listen to her. You're an adult now, don't allow those people to make you a victim once more. You have the power to say no FGS!

marisco_2

Yoshi2 wrote: »

Granny won't take no for an answer, she says I must go and meet him. She says if I love her, I will go, and do it for her. She is not the sort of person that anyone disagrees with.

I just don't know what to do. I can't face meeting him but I have no choice

You have a choice OP and should do only what you feel is right for you. It is completely okay to put yourself first here. Your dad sent you through hell and back and you owe him nothing at all. Please ignore the emotional blackmail your granny is dishing out. Considering all you have suffered, she ought to be totally ashamed of herself trying to guilt trip you into a situation, that would undoubtedly cause you all manner of emotional turmoil.

It really hit home to me just how affected you are by your dads treatment of you, in that you changed the font size in your post when disclosing what he did and said to you. Seeing it too clearly in black and white rips you apart doesn't it? It was harrowing for me to read to be honest so god only knows how it must make you feel. I am so sorry for all you have been through and am sending you a massive hug. You have been incredibly brave to share all this with us and seek advice. Well done OP

Vicky123

Lost my reply in cyberspace but the upshot is this woman [granny] is an enabler, she could well be the reason your mother and yourself were in the clutches of an abuser in the first place.
The threat of tears/seizure/ is nonsense and as for doing things properly, what is proper about demanding your family expose themselves to at best abuse and at worse real danger?
I think you need to get away from granny every bit as much as your father, she is a menace, total control freak, don't waste a second worrying about her, take a leaf out of her book and think about yourself.
Abusive personality's are masters at playing emotional blackmail.

*Robin*

Yoshi2 wrote: »

I remember one time when I was little ringing her up and telling her he wouldn't stop fighting. But apart from that she has been told plenty. Seems it just in one ear, out the other with some people though.

A good few years ago, since he left, he used to come out in the middle of the night and harass us, holding his finger on the bell for ages. Lots of times he used to come into the back garden and wreck things so we got a really high gate to keep him out.

She even tried to make lame excuses for him then, or didn't say much while others scowled about him.

I was sick of him doing that so I found out where he lived. I went round to his house to tell him to stop it. I wasn't going for an argument. I was afraid of him but I still went because I wasn't going to have him controlling us. He roared and shouted at me, lifted me by my wrists, up off my feet, and threw me through the air down the hill so I landed on my back on the road. My handbag had fallen off. He lifted it and threw it at me. I was laying on the ground crying and sore, he didn't offer to help me up. Instead he came down the street roaring after me and I was running down the street waiting to get attacked again. I had to lock myself in the car and try to recover before leaving. My hand were grazed and had bits of grit from the road in them. My good aunt wanted me to go to the police but mum and I were too scared because he knew where we lived and he could have come and taken revenge. Deep down I knew granny would be huffed if I'd done that. So he got off with it.

She knows what he's like, she just won't listen.

Yoshi2 wrote: »

See, its not normal crying, she gets all worked into a whole state. Sometimes if she gets stressed she would take a seizure, so if I do anything that makes her upset, and she happens to take a seizure, even a couple of days later, even if its just a coincidence, they will blame me.

In light of the posts above, a call to the Police abuse team seems a much better option than going to meet this man, no matter how freaky a tantrum Granny decides to throw when she finds out.

But it's your decision. If you do go, could you take half-a-dozen [STRIKE]heavies[/STRIKE] big strong mates along?

Pollycat

Yoshi
you are new to MSE so you almost certainly don't realise this - but it is incredibly rare to get a thread where every poster - yes! every poster! - is in agreement.

That should tell you something.
Succumbing to emotional blackmail from your Granny - who should be trying to protect you instead of doing her damndest to throw you in potential harm's way - is just not the best thing for you.

You need to grow a proverbial pair and start to stand up for yourself.

However, it's clear from your posts that you are going to do what other people want and meet this person, so I wish you luck.
Sadly, I have a feeling you're going to need it by the bucketload.

jedsonack2

I completely agree with duchy,
DO what the best you can without hearting others.

duchy wrote: »

Tell Granny you are going........and then don't go.
If she asks why -say something came up (and no more detail). If you keep doing this eventually this stranger will get fed up and give up trying to see you.

Or give her a huge shock and simply say "No I don't want to-He has not being a part of my life for years by his choice " If she kicks off...she kicks off ..... Just keep saying-He chose to have no contact-now it's my turn. No-one can force you ......although they might be surprised not to get their own way for once.
This man is verbally abusive-speak to Women's Aid for advice and support-the fact he is your father and not a partner doesn't matter.

As for knowing where you live...if he turns up- refuse to engage with him.....and call the police if he won't go away.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Yoshi2 wrote: »

I think maybe I'll have to negotiate something a bit more on my terms, if you could even call it that. If I can get the date of the meeting brought forward so its not hanging over me so long, and if I choose the place, then that takes a bit of control off both of them. I can go to a public place that I know is safe.

I will tell granny that I will meet him, but only for her, but on the condition that she agrees not to suggest any more meetings/phone calls/letters to him. She's that keen for me to meet him, she should agree. So that should be the end of it.

Re a couple of posts some people have made, I don't think he could possibly have anything over granny. She always likes to do things 'properly' so wouldn't have got up to anything she shouldn't have.

What is the point of getting away from an abuser if you are going to walk straight back in again because of another abuser.

You only have one life, use it wisely.

Even toddlers learn how to just say 'no' and mean it.

However you do it, you need to stop being manipulated by granny. If she starts to cry and have a seizure, pass her some tissues and tell her you will call an ambulance when the seizure arrives.

thehappybutterfly

Yoshi2, believe me, I have had abusers in my life too so I DO know what it's all about. However, I stand by my original diagnosis - nothing about this rings true.

hazyjo

Tell you what... why don't you print this thread off, post it to granny, and say you are NOT meeting with your father, and if she continues to 'bully you', you won't be meeting with her any more either. Say you'll speak with her in a week's time if she wants to call you. Shove the ball back into her court.

She may well be defensive - turn off all your voicemails, ignore her calls, etc, don't speak with her for that week if she does try to contact you, let her calm down and absorb it. THEN discuss it with her.

Jx

Dimey

This is incredibly frustrating Yoshi 2.
All these people giving you good advice and then we hear you are going to the meeting anyway. It appears you are ignoring the good advice and are only responding to the sceptics or you are sticking to a negative line without adapting or changing when you hear enlightening advice.

Can you get your Mum to read all the replies on this thread and the two of understand how wrong you are to be afraid of your Granny.

Get the Police to tell Granny you don't have to go an meet your abuser. Warn Granny's Doctor that after she's told this she may work herself into a state/seizure so he can stand by.

How many times have you been told - you will not be to blame. Granny will be. Its her choice if she has tantrums when she doesn't get her own way.

Not going to the meeting is very simple. Stop talking to Granny and just don't go. Stay with your Mum.

Do you have a social worker or a supportive GP? If so, show them this thread and ask for their help to protect you from your Granny and your Father.

If you continue to ignore advice not to meet your father, then only go to the meeting with a Policeman. Tell your local police station everything about what's happened and ask them to send a constable with you for your protection to keep the peace.

If for some reason the police won't attend then pay to hire a bouncer from a security company for the 5 minutes you are intimidated enough to meet your father for. Meet outside in the street, not in a room. Do not speak to your father and do not rise to the bait if he taunts you. Just listen to what he says and leave. If he gives you the card, lay it down on the floor and walk away with the policeman.

Ignore anything your father says, don't give it another thought. Don't crucify yourself with it. He will be manipulating you, thats all.

Move away from Granny and this family to a secret new area with your Mum and start your life.