Don't know what to do

Yoshi2

........................

Shovel_Lad

You do have a choice.

You don't want to go so don't. It's OK to say no and do what's best for you.

purple.sarah

It's very important to take care of yourself and put yourself first. You deserve to be safe. You did not deserve what happened to you, it was not your fault. You have been let down by people who should have protected you. You do not have to see your father, you do not owe him or your gran anything, do what is right for you.

Toto

First of all I really hope that you and your mum have had some counselling to help you deal with your father's behaviour No one should be subjected to any of the abuse you have described. The blame for this rests squarely at the feet of your father and as a result you owe him nothing, nothing at all.

I don't know how old you are but if you are an adult then there is no reason why you need to have a relationship with anyone who doesn't treat you with kindness and respect, much less blood relations. If your grandmother falls into this category then perhaps you should distance yourself from her too.

Speak to your mum about how you feel and please do not go to meet your father because he has summoned you. Use this as the first time you can really stand up to him and say no, you couldn't before because you were a vulnerable child but now the tables have turned and he has no control at all. Be brave, be strong and do what is right for you.

I also think you need to deal with some of the emotions and scars left from the past, so if you are not currently having counselling I'd advise you pop along to the gp, take your mum for support, and explain that you need a little help.

bagpussbear

Am I right in thinking that Granny doesn't know about any of what you and your mum went through?

If not, time to tell her!

But remember this, you are now an adult that can and should make up their own mind, not based on the opinions of others. Gain some inner strength, decline, and wash your hands of him.

Pollycat

I would be very, very suspicious about him wanting to meet you just to give you a birthday card.

Why now - after all these years?

Yoshi2 wrote: »

Granny won't take no for an answer, she says I must go and meet him.

Is 'Granny' his Mum?

You 'must not' do anything that you don't want to, not even to please other people.

The treatment of you and your Mum that you describe is appalling.

Is Granny aware of what happened?

Yoshi2 wrote: »

She says if I love her, I will go, and do it for her. She is not the sort of person that anyone disagrees with.

This is emotional blackmail and I find it very distasteful in the circumstances you describe.
If you don't want to meet him, do disagree with her and tell her exactly why you are disagreeing.

He ruined your early life, don't let him come back and do it all over again.

CH27

Tell Granny to butt out!
It is your decision if you want to meet him. Do what is best for your mental health & wellbeing. Protect yourself.

System

it sounds like he is still trying to control you op , stand your ground and tell your gran to go meet him if she wants to but you are busy that day !

harrys_nan

Please do not go and see him, you owe him nothing at all. If granny is his mum, she probally won't believe you if you tell her.
My life was similar to your's and my stepfather's family didn't believe a word of what my sisters (his daughters) tried to tell them.
I dont know how old you are but find a family member who will support you in your decision. Is you mum still around?

SueC_2

Yoshi2 wrote: »

She says if I love her, I will go, and do it for her.

Tell granny, if she loved you she wouldn't ask. Smile sagely as you say it.

Your father controlled you as a child. Don't let him do it now you're an adult.

If this meeting is not something you want, you can, and should, refuse it.

And I predict you will feel so much better if you do that and take control of your life back.

Being strong is sometimes hard, but oh so worth it in the long run. Good luck.

Yoshi2

harrys_nan wrote: »

Please do not go and see him, you owe him nothing at all. If granny is his mum, she probally won't believe you if you tell her.
My life was similar to your's and my stepfather's family didn't believe a word of what my sisters (his daughters) tried to tell them.
I dont know how old you are but find a family member who will support you in your decision. Is you mum still around?

I'll be 29 on my birthday next week. Yes my mum is still around, I live with her as she has ms. I have a very good auntie, and my mum is very good, unfortunately, none of them are able to 'stand up to' granny.

Surprisingly, granny isn't his mum! The way she goes on is like he's her golden son.