Don't know what to do

aileth

Your granny may want you to go and meet him, but she didn't experience all of these things at his hands.

You DO have a choice.

SueC_2

Yoshi2 wrote: »

That's actually what I'd say to anyone else if they suggested this meeting (if they loved me they wouldn't ask) but I couldn't dare to turn the word on granny. She would get upset, and probably start crying. Then it would be my fault. She lives with my good auntie, so then she would be left with the fallout.

The meeting is definitely something I don't want. When I heard about it, I wished I lived in the far end of the world so I wouldn't have to go. Would nearly pack my bags and go now, only Mum needs me, there is a lot she can't manage with her ms. And I wouldn't have the money to go anyway.

The only way I can be strong in this situation is to act 'strong' by going to see the piece of scum. I can't even refuse to go or granny would never let me hear the end of it, and she'd make my aunties say stuff to me too. I've another aunt who's not a nice one, and she'd delight in having a go at me.

Thank you for the good luck wishes, I've a feeling I'm going to need it

It sounds to me like you're not quite ready to take control of your life yet, which makes me very sad for you. Perhaps you should seek some professional help with that - comments from strangers on a forum are unlikely to achieve what you need to achieve.

All the best.

duchy

Yoshi2 wrote: »

I wish!



I wish!

Be brave ..........You can make those wishes come true. The first time you say no it'll be hard but each time you say it...it gets easier !

*Robin*

Hello Yoshi, :hello:

You've already had some great advice which I support too; don't let yourself be bullied (and maybe use this event as the opportunity to get some talking therapy via GP, to help to lay the ghosts of your childhood experiences to rest).

You obviously still suspect your father's motives for wanting to come back into your life (I would too - and be just as reluctant as you to go and meet him at a time and place he has selected).

Granny obviously has his address. Why not smooth things over with her by saying you'd like to write to him before thinking about meeting him again (ie. you take control of any contact with him)?

..In a letter, include the list you've put in your first post, and ask him how he can possibly make up for treating Mum and yourself so badly when you were a child?
Make it clear that you will not be meeting him in person - at a public place of your choosing - until the matter of his past abuse has been addressed.

Keep a copy of your letter.

Good Luck!
..You never know, your Dad may be full of remorse and wanting to share a lottery win with you?
On the other hand, his habits may have left him a lonely, ageing man who is seeking to regain control - maybe he's found out that he's going to need a carer in the near future?

If he really wants to be part of your life, let him prove it - initially from a distance.

duchy wrote:

As for knowing where you live...if he turns up- refuse to engage with him.....and call the police if he won't go away.

Seconded.

harrys_nan

So granny is your mums mum, that in my eyes make her as bad as your dad, she must know what you and your mum went through.
Has nobody stood up to her? Break the cycle and be the 1st, I know it will be hard but each no to her will get easier, trust me.
If you go and meet him, you choose the day,the time and the place that way you are taking some control.
I agree with getting some kind of help, after all you and your mum have been through you need it.
Can you move completly out of the area when you sell up? If you can, go and make a good life for you and your mum you both deserve one, my mum moved over a 100 miles to get away from my stepfather.

cutestkids

So your Dad bullied and abused you as a child and you got away from him, now your Granny is bullying you into meeting up with your abuser that is not right.

Seriously tell Granny that it is really none of her business and that as an adult you choose not to have anything to do with him.

Just because someone is old or is your Gran does not give them the right to behave like this towards you, too many people confuse respect for an elderly relative with allowing themselves to be harrassed and bullied by them.
You should be able to tell Granny the same as you would anyone else who asked that you are not going, if she can't accept that then maybe it is time to accept that this is another person in your life who you would be better without.

You are no longer a child the aunties etc have no right to treat you like you still are I would tell them to keep their noses out and if they did not I would cut ties with them, people like that are not worth having in your life.

flutterby_lil

Wow, wow, wow!

What a controlling Granny - I have an abusive father too, I would never go and see him, no matter what anybody said, tough !!!!!! if it upset somebody else.

My "dad" and I use that term lightly, abused my mum, family and I. He broke my mums cheekbones, hospitalised her, threw us out of our house, literally at 3am in the morning.....the list is endless. I would not go and see him now. I am 33 this month and strong enough to say those most important 2 words - NO. Please be strong and put yourself first.

hazyjo

All he shouted at you are probably weaknesses he saw in himself. And the chances are, he had them yelled at him when he was growing up.

From my experience, he's probably reached an age (or managed to stop drinking if that was an issue) where he wants to say sorry. Or maybe he's got something seriously wrong with him. You need to think worst (or best?!) case scenario - if he says he's dying, would you feel the need to build bridges? If he says sorry, would it make a difference? If no to both, don't go. You do have a choice now. It'll be empowering to tell your granny NO. If you need to tell her more, then do.

She's probably of an older generation that thinks family comes first, that men can be like that and you have to accept it, and she probably thinks you came out of it okay. People are often more open/empowered/astute nowadays and accept it has permanent damage and effects on those abused. We don't stay in unhappy marriages, we can even get 'divorced' from parents(!), and we have counselling, rehab, treatment, pills, support, and/or jail sentences, and a whole lot of other things that weren't something you shouted about a few decades ago.

I would say to him, write me a letter first saying what you want to say, then I will decide if I wish to meet with you.

Jx

aliasojo

Yoshi2 wrote: »

I wish!



I wish!

I'm really not sure why you posted?

You have already decided what you will do. You say you cannot stand up to Granny so there you are. Off you go to the meeting.

If you were remotely interested in gathering support to help you find the strength to not go, you wouldn't have posted as you have. Imo. All you have done is supply reasons why you can't say no.

Caroline_a

In the light of all the recent celebrities being arrested for abuse, I would be saying to Granny 'that's a good idea, I will speak to the police about what happened to me when I was younger, and they can arrest him when we meet'.

Then see what she says... Of course, you could speak to the police first and see what they say..!