Don't know what to do

LannieDuck

Are you really more scared of your granny than you are of your father?

He's pushed you down the stairs, hit you, thrown you around, chased you so you locked yourself in the car.... and for some reason you're more afraid of your granny than you are of him.

If I were you, I'd tell granny that he stopped being my father when he deliberately pushed me down the stairs, and I have no intention of ever seeing him again. And then I would call the police and report the domestic violence that you and your mother lived with.

But at the end of the day you're an adult and it's your choice. Not your father's, not your granny's, not MSE's. If you choose to go and see him again, that's entirely your choice.

Vicky123

thehappybutterfly wrote: »

Yoshi2, believe me, I have had abusers in my life too so I DO know what it's all about. However, I stand by my original diagnosis - nothing about this rings true.

You may well be right but I'm taking it at face value because so often victims of abuse are not believed, this is especially so of emotional abuse as there are no bruises to prove what has been happening.
If this is just a story it's not really a waste of anyone's time because someone out there may benefit from the advice, but a look at womens aid message board will show how many are not believed in the courts up and down the Country.
It's possible that the OP is more afraid of granny than her father because she appears to be very much still in her life, having said that there's no real explanation why this woman who is not related to the abuser should be so keen to help him out, no matter what era she comes from it would never be considered doing things properly to endanger your family.
At face value though I would say get granny out of your life as a priority.

paulineb_2

Yoshi2 wrote: »

I think maybe I'll have to negotiate something a bit more on my terms, if you could even call it that. If I can get the date of the meeting brought forward so its not hanging over me so long, and if I choose the place, then that takes a bit of control off both of them. I can go to a public place that I know is safe.

I will tell granny that I will meet him, but only for her, but on the condition that she agrees not to suggest any more meetings/phone calls/letters to him. She's that keen for me to meet him, she should agree. So that should be the end of it.

Re a couple of posts some people have made, I don't think he could possibly have anything over granny. She always likes to do things 'properly' so wouldn't have got up to anything she shouldn't have.

No, thats the worst thing you could do. Agreeing to meet him only for her, please stop giving this woman this level of power over you.

And if she agrees not to suggest any more meetings or phone calls? Do you honestly think shes going to agree to that given the control she seems to have over your life?

And if your father has no hold over your gran for gods sake why are you allowing this horrible piece of work to dictate your every move.

Shes asking you to go and meet someone who has already physically attacked you and you are still thinking of going to meet this man alone? Do you want to end up attacked again, for gods sake stay away from this man and as someone else said, if you need to lie to her and say you'll go and then on the day, oops Im washing my hair or watching paint dry then too bloody bad.

You are 29 years of age, an adult. You have choices, you can do what you like, stand up for yourself this once and people might realise that you cant be walked over and as I said, if granny cries and has her seizure too bloody bad.

Do you think she would put herself in a position where she might end up harmed because you might cry, I very much doubt it.

Yorkie1

Yoshi2 wrote: »

I will tell granny that I will meet him, but only for her, but on the condition that she agrees not to suggest any more meetings/phone calls/letters to him. She's that keen for me to meet him, she should agree. So that should be the end of it.

Obviously, you know your gran better than I do - but from everything you've written about your gran refusing to acknowledge what has gone on, if you think she'll keep her side of the bargain then I think you're a fool.

sedment

I wouldnt even be thinking of going. If you and your mum are away from this a*sehole, wouldnt go near him with a bargepole, nevermind that he thinks he can click his fingers and you will jump and say " how high".
As for granny, she sounds like a snotty kid who threatens to hold there breath till they get their own way. I say, let her have her strop/seizure. If she isnt supporting you after all this time and all this abuse, might be time to distance and go and speak to someone/doctor/therapist to boost your self confidence. Good luck

hazyjo

Said it earlier, but it seems to have been forgotten - tell him to write a letter. I can't see any reason to see him face to face.

Choice - either you get emotionally (or physically) hurt by seeing your father. OR your granny gets hurt emotionally. She'll get over it. You might not. If she cuts you out of her life, you sound well rid. Can only see GOOD from you not seeing your dad.

Take the bloody power back. How many more years are you going to allow yourself to be manipulated so you don't upset other people?! PUT YOURSELF FIRST.

Jx

harrys_nan

What does your mum saying about you meeting him, also what does she think of her mum?
The choice is yours now, please dont go
I have to say that my maternal grandmother wouldn't help my mum either, actually back in the day,early 60's nobody would help us, the only help my mum was offered was to put us kids into care.

itsanne

Is there a cultural issue which is giving Granny so much power? That's the only reason I can think of for your absolute refusal to accept the advice which everyone has given?

There is not a lot of point in asking for advice unless you are at least willing to consider it.

Yorkie1

In OP's defence, what is described as having occurred from her father is domestic violence. This influence is very powerful, even long after the behaviour has stopped. It can take people a very very long time work their way out from being under the influence of the perpetrator, even if the abuse stopped long before.

It is a myth that all people can just shrug it off and carry on with their lives, particularly if the abuse is now being unexpectedly resurrected through the bullying nature of the granny and the manipulative / controlling behaviour of the abuser. People can go into 'freeze' mode in response, thus preventing them from fighting or fleeing in what objectively would appear to be a sensible way.

Dimey

Yorkie1 wrote: »

In OP's defence, what is described as having occurred from her father is domestic violence. This influence is very powerful, even long after the behaviour has stopped. It can take people a very very long time work their way out from being under the influence of the perpetrator, even if the abuse stopped long before.

It is a myth that all people can just shrug it off and carry on with their lives, particularly if the abuse is now being unexpectedly resurrected through the bullying nature of the granny and the manipulative / controlling behaviour of the abuser. People can go into 'freeze' mode in response, thus preventing them from fighting or fleeing in what objectively would appear to be a sensible way.

I absolutely agree Yorkie1. Well said.
However OP has clearly stated she does not want to meet her father and OP sounds strong in that assertion. She had the courage to post for help to find a way to avoid meeting her abusive father. Those actions seem good sound "fight" actions.

What I genuinely can't understand is that OP has presumably read all the advice but appears to have ignored or blinded herself to many suggestions and posted that although she doesn't want to, she has to meet her abusive father and in fact wants to bring the meeting forward. How can OP have come to that conclusion ?? Is that "freeze" mode? It seems proactive.

It appears the only reason OP has decided to meet her abusive father is so that she is not blamed by family members if her Granny decides on her own volition to have a tantrum and /or fake a seizure or even manifest an actual seizure.

The decision to attend the meeting is so contradictory to OP's purpose in posting and the fear of simply saying NO to Granny seems so misplaced that its hard to understand or to offer any different appropriate advice.

I rather feel this needs face to face support and a better understanding of the people involved. Persuasion by someone closer to OP who she respects needs to be in a language the OP is comfortable with and can believe could work. I hope OP consults her Mum, good Aunt, Police, GP, social worker etc and that at least one of them will give OP the right guidance and support to enable OP to build on the confidence she showed when she first posted. It seems we are too much at a distance to be right there for OP right now and after the fall out from Granny, should OP be able to muster the courage to say NO.